Phil Watch: PRFM, Part Quatre

Let's plow through Phil's latest game of darts as he blindly moves teams up and down the power rankings irrespective of the previous week's play.

There's a vague feeling that Phil compiled the list late Sunday (includes the Rays sweep of the Red Sox).

There's also a palpable feeling that Phil also found out that baseball statisticians keep tabs on catcher efficiency in throwing out potential base stealers. Today's offering is like when a four year-old learns a new word and finds a way to use it in every sentence for a week. We'll mark it with a (*****).

First zone rating and now catcher efficiency? My mind is awhirl in transient nodes of thought.

Let's see in this article how he incorrectly and/or randomly applies his new-found arbiter of baseball success or failure.

1. Diamondbacks (1): This is the third week in a row for Arizona atop our fictional standings, and why not?...One of the hidden keys to their fast start: Third baseman Mark Reynolds, who is hitting .264 with seven homers and 22 RBIs; he and first baseman Conor Jackson have been among the NL’s best with men in scoring position.

Yet Justin Upton is one of Phil's offensive candidates for the early MVP. I fully understand how painfully stupid dissecting Phil's weekly column can be. He's like Mike Murphy in many ways, a guy who has a job because...well...he's always had the job.

Both talk about 'hidden' things like nobody else has ever thought of them.

An exercise: Is Carlos Quentin an early favorite for the AL MVP?

Justin Upton: .333/.376/.578, 144 OPS+, 5 hr, 14 rbi, 3 errors in right field, 0 assists.

Carlos Quentin: .288/.435/.562, 166 OPS+, 5 hr, 21 rbi, 1 error, 1 assist.

You make the call. I really like Quentin. MVP? No.

And anyone who thinks Reynolds and Jackson are some kind of 'hidden' keys doesn't watch baseball and aren't fulfilling job descriptions.

7. Mets (3): Catcher Brian Schneider shouldn’t have to buy many meals for himself on the road. The Mets are allowing fewer stolen bases than any team in the major leagues—a welcome change from the results in the Mike Piazza and Paul Lo Duca eras.

*****

This would be mildly impressive if the Mets hadn't played two-thirds of their games against teams in the bottom seven of stolen bases. And it's not like Schneider is throwing out a crapload of potential base stealers. He's 3-6. Casanova - seeing a third of the time - is 2-3.

Is this really more relevant than Reyes' .272 OBP or Delgado 'curious' power outage (until yesterday) and .208 average? Of course, we know that Reyes just needs to up his fun quotient.

10. Cincinnati Reds fans (NR): The Big Red Machine isn’t coming back any time soon, but at least the leadership tandem of new GM Walt Jocketty and Dusty Baker provides some hope for the future.

If Dusty's wife ever becomes barren and the Baker family wishes to have more kids, Phil will gladly volunteer to be a surrogate.

11. Angels (9): Remember the early concern about Francisco Rodriguez’s lack of velocity? He somehow found a way to earn seven saves in an 11-game stretch.

Pretty impressive.

Some people find out new information after stating something and correct themselves. He had a sore ankle. It was widely covered. His velocity was back up even before Phil first wrote this crap.

And the Angels go into Boston and Detroit this week and take two or three from both. Verdict?

Drop 'em two spots.

$20 says Phil will never mention Erick Aybar this year, probably the best young shortstop in the game.

15. Marlins (16): Hanley Ramirez is a great player. This is anything but a solid team, despite what the standings indicate. Only Pittsburgh has gotten weaker starting pitching than Florida, among NL teams, and the Marlins often exacerbate their problems with erratic fielding. The power hitting of Ramirez, Mike Jacobs and Josh Willingham has hidden many flaws thus far.

Well fuck, why's Fredi Gonzalez your NL Manager of the Year with that early review?

18. Mariners (19): Erik Bedard returned strong on Saturday against Oakland. The M’s lost 21/2 games in the standings while he was out, but the saving grace was that it was to the A’s, not the Angels, who have had problems of their own.

I'm acutely aware of how pissy and miserable my reviews are sounding...so I'll continue the motif.

PROBLEMS?

Joe Saunders and Ervin Santana are both 4-0 and both have ERAs below 3! I think they've compensated for the temporary loss of Lackey pretty well.

And the Angels are tied for the second-most wins in baseball. What are these problems?

19. Blue Jays (7): Frank Thomas could get the last laugh on J.P. Ricciardi’s surprising decision to eat almost $8 million in salary. Toronto lost its first five games after the show of force by the Jays’ front office.

Recycled crap. Again. Saving $10 million next year by not signing a soon-to-be 40 year-old DH. Stupid, reactionary, surface analysis.

24. Padres (20): Gentlemen, start your baserunners. No team is easier to run on.

*****

26. Reds (27): Would the Cubs trade for Ken Griffey Jr. and move Fukudome to center field? There are whispers that Jim Hendry is looking for a left-handed-hitting outfielder and it doesn’t figure to take long for new Cincinnati GM Walt Jocketty to trade Griffey or Adam Dunn to open up a spot for Jay Bruce.

So the Reds should trade Adam Dunn because he's a bum and blocking a center field prospect even though Dunn plays left field and Corey Patterson with his .286 OBP in the leadoff spot should stay?

And he's a bum but a last place team should trade him to a first place - and Phil's favorite - team? And wouldn't that mean everybody's new favorite Cub, Reed Johnson, wouldn't have a position? Maybe it's a veiled reference to the idea of benching Soriano.

Christo confused.

30. Giants (32): Closer Brian Wilson has quietly been a bright spot.

Tim Lincecum: 4-0, 1.23 ERA, 36 strikeouts in 29.3 innings.

Jonathan Sanchez: 2-1, 3.54 ERA, 36 strikeouts in 28 innings (1.50 ERA in last four starts).

Not stories. Brian Wilson. Story.

Everybody and their mother thought the Giants would be epically bad. Early on, they're not.

Heck, they might only lose 90 games.

28. Nationals (30): When Wil Nieves hits a game-winning home run, you know the worm is turning. Taking two out of three from the Cubs could get Washington off the mat.

Cub fan logic. A team is considered good if they play well against the Cubs, mainly because it's the only time most Cub fans see other teams. It's their only barometer.

Phil Watch: This A's Masturbation Is Getting Old

Happy Day Of Your Marriage Plus One to Mr. & Mrs. Mate Famber.

May your days be filled with joy and splendor. Congratulations.

Let's make a transition to one great thing in life to one stupid-ass Sunday sporty-type column.

And I think we can call it...Phil's a Sunday boy.

Today's offering tells us that the A's are a contender with the addition of Frank Thomas.

Long before the New York Yankees gave Jason Giambi a $120 million contract, he was the Oakland Athletics' most popular player. General manager Billy Beane let Giambi walk over his insistence to get a no-trade clause in his contract.

Right out of the gate! The A's payroll over the last ten years has never reached $80 million while hovering at or below the league average every year since Beane took over. They've shedded Mulder, Hudson, Zito, Tejada and Giambi to precisely keep the payroll in check, banking on a superlative farm syyyyyyyyyyyyyyssssssssssssssssssss.............

Sorry. I fell asleep typing something rehashed ad nauseam over the last ten years. Everyone knew Giambi was eventually going to walk and the "I want to stay in Oakland and will sign for less money" crap was the definition of lip service. The no-trade crap as a sticking point was a way for both sides to save face.

I can't remember what I had for lunch two days ago but even I remember the details of this.

Like Giambi, Thomas had been a popular player in Oakland. He signed a bargain-basement deal there in 2006 after the White Sox cut him loose, then joined the MVP discussion with 39 homers and 114 RBIs as he led the A's to an unlikely playoff spot.

Unlikely???!!! Seven of the nineteen writers polled at ESPN.com picked the A's to win the World Series that year!

Twelve of the nineteen writers, INCLUDING PHIL, picked them to win the division!

Cripes!

Toronto GM J.P. Ricciardi coveted Thomas as part of a planned attempt to crash the elite tier of the American League East. Thomas delivered in 2007, hitting .277 with 26 homers and 95 RBIs. He was off to a bad start this year and had complained about being benched, going as far as accusing Ricciardi of trying to keep him from getting the 376 plate appearances he needed to kick in the $10 million option for '09.

It's tough to blame a team for saving $10 million by cutting a soon-to-be 40 year-old DH with a recent track record of injuries.

And something a little more pertinent and not really talked about w/r/t the release of Thomas is the fact that Scott Rolen's activation from the DL lined up almost directly with the move.

Now I'm not a huge fan of Rolen and his contract is nearly identical to Thomas' with one more year (including Thomas' vesting option). One bad contract is better than two. Why would the Jays want to keep so much potential dead weight with bad contracts?

But Rolen could easily match .277/26/95 and gives the Jays much more flexibility because he, unlike Thomas, owns a baseball glove.

In short, any team paying Frank Thomas $10 million in 2009 is not really a financially responsible baseball team.

Yet it was not wise for Ricciardi to kick him to the curb in favor of a platoon of Matt Stairs and Rod Barajas at designated hitter. Ricciardi said quick action was called for, as he didn't want his team falling too far behind Boston, but the Blue Jays dropped their first four games after releasing Thomas, scoring only 11 runs.

Well shit, they lost four in a row after releasing Thomas. Nothing proves it was a stupid move like evaluating a team's four game stretch.

Oakland had nothing to lose by picking up Thomas. The A's figured to have written off this season when they traded Dan Haren, Mark Kotsay and Nick Swisher to get the payroll down to $48 million, but they started 14-9. Pitching injuries threaten the anticipated dominance of the Angels and Mariners, creating a chance for a huge Oakland surprise.

25 games? Give 'em the pennant. It's over. The move was interesting in the sense that the A's already had Mike Sweeney at DH, a guy off to a nice start so far but is the definition of injury-prone. The Thomas acquisition moved Sweeney to first base and into a platoon with Daric Barton, a guy off to a bad start but considered a top shelf prospect.

I thought prospects were a good thing in Phil's world, especially w/r/t the A's system?

But Sweeney has to see time somewhere if the A's hope to have any chance to trade him. Seems like a bit of a clusterfuck to me.

BTW, Thomas is 1-10 since joining the A's. Using Phil's logic of four game stretches to determine value, I think the A's have to waive him.

Thomas could be a part of that surprise. He's not what he once was, but he still is going to win some games with his bat. The Blue Jays may wind up wishing he was doing that for them.

Or the Jays could take that $10 million saved by the release of a 40 year-old DH and the money saved by A.J. Burnett's expected walk and go get some real starting pitching to build around Halladay, McGowan and Marcum.

Might need some pitching in the AL East. Just a thought.

On to Phil's news and notes...

Eric Gagne appeared five times in six days and warmed up in the bullpen on the one night he wasn't used. He had converted only six of 10 save chances entering the weekend but nobody was complaining about his durability.

Durability should probably be second to inherent goodness at pitching.

Gagne so far hasn't been pitching good with inherent goodness.

Of course it's nice to see Gagne healthy (...it's early) but he's topping out at 94 and pitching like he still throws 100. Until he finds a way to get crafty, the Brewers will have issues getting saves on a constant basis from him.

Point taken, though. Eric Gagne's arm hasn't fallen off through April 27. Good for him.

Given the Reds' 3-10 slide that dropped them to the bottom of the National League Central, Jocketty's first assignment is probably to trade Adam Dunn (or even Ken Griffey Jr.)to open up a spot for 21-year-old Jay Bruce. He's hitting .338 with four homers and six stolen bases in 19 games in Triple-A and was Baseball America's Minor League Player of the Year last season.

Curt Schilling and Adam Dunn broke into Phil's house and urinated all over his new suede couch.

Both have been mentioned three times by Phil in the last month either in a snide manner (Schilling) or in a 'trade that bum' manner (Dunn). This paragraph is just a recycling of this column where Phil essentially defends the signing of Corey Patterson, the guy currently blocking Jay Bruce in CENTER FIELD (!), not left field where Dunn plays.

Again, Phil is advocating trading a guy with a .381 career OBP and has hit 40 or more hrs in the last four years to essentially allow Corey Patterson to stay in the lineup. That's dumb baseball thinking.

Let's move to Phil's whispers. With his ear to the ground, Phil hears more silliness.

You can't say Curt Schilling isn't an optimist. He bought a 26-acre estate in Medfield, Mass., for $4.5 million in 2003 from Drew Bledsoe and now is listing it at $8 million.

There's the third. What the hell does that have to do with anything?

Chien-Ming Wang is the best pitcher nobody talks about. He has won 50 of his first 85 starts for the Yankees, the best start to a career since Dwight Gooden.

My mom doesn't talk about Wang (heh, heh, heh). My mom doesn't know a lot about baseball.

If she represents everybody, then yes...nobody is talking about Wang (heh, heh, heh).

MVP watch as April winds to a close: AL— Manny Ramirez, Joe Crede, Nick Markakis, Josh Hamilton and Jonathan Papelbon; NL—Chase Utley, Derrek Lee, Chipper Jones, Justin Upton and Brandon Webb.

Mildly logical choices here (it's not that hard).

But we have the Andre Dawson theory put to the test with the selection of Josh Hamilton.

He's off to a hot start this year for the worst team in baseball, currently 8-17 (tied with the Nats for last). How can a player be considered the most valuable in a game where winning is the only barometer for success?

Papelbon's entry is too cute by half.

And Justin Upton? C'mon.

Early front-runners for the other BBWAA awards— Cy Young: Cliff Lee, AL, Webb, NL; Rookie: Greg Smith, AL, Geovany Soto, NL; and Manager: Bob Geren, AL, and Freddy Gonzalez, NL.

BBWAA? Phil's a member...and he'll probably just forget to vote. More A's stroking with Bob Geren and Freddy Gonzalez manages a team that just last week Phil said has been winning with smoke and mirrors in his power rankings.

Miguel Cabrera's move to first base may be the best thing for the Tigers but doesn't exactly reward him for losing weight and getting himself into shape. But at the time manager Jim Leyland announced plans for the switch, Cabrera had made five errors in 14 games and had the lowest zone rating in the majors at third.

Reward him? For getting himself into shape? Isn't that Cabrera's job?

And I'm positively atwitter with Phil's reference to zone rating. Holy Crap!

I wonder if he'll ever mention Ryan Theriot's abysmal zone rating?

The Angels and Braves could push to division leads when they start getting their injured pitchers back.

In Phil-world, the Angels are not in first place. It's funny because on this Earth, the Angels have been in first place since April 15. In fact, in the first 25 days of the season, the Angels have been in first for 21 of them.

Back to Phil-world because I like lands filled with sprites, fairies and unicorns. It's prettier than this realm. In Phil-world, the A's could be the surprise team of the year with the addition of Frank Thomas but the Angels could regain the upper hand in the division once Lackey is back (I won't tell Phil that Escobar is most likely out for the year and headed to the bullpen if he comes back in August).

Oh, and Seattle could win the division because of their pitching and Josh Hamilton is the only contender for the MVP race from AL West teams, a guy who plays on an absurdly bad team.

A bevy of coulds. I could win the lottery tomorrow. My dog could learn Spanish.

Phil could think about displaying some level of consistency. I wouldn't bet on it.

The Cubs Threw The 1918 World Series (?) And Phil Watch

Apparently the Chicago Historical Society is in possession of an affidavit where Chicago White Sox pitcher Eddie Cicotte says the idea to throw the 1919 series came from the Chicago Cubs throwing the 1918 series.

I don't know who owned the group of documents, notes, etc. before the CHS acquired them last December, but how has it taken ninety years for this to be revealed?

It's an interesting read but not exactly definitive. Funny it's released now, in the 100th year of the Cubs drought. Just newsworthy enough. Our culture's peculiar fascination with round numbers and benchmarks aside, I smell something. Seems too perfect.

On to Phil. His weekly power rankings are up and there's not outrageously stupid. I think someone told him to stop being a dope. The Braves jumped 12 spots by going 4-3 for the week and losing 2 out of 3 to the Marlins and the Orioles are apparently better than half of the other teams in baseball but overall, it's a little more sane.

But one of my favorite Phil features in his Whispers Around The League where Phil puts his ear to the ground and gives us entirely inconsequential tidbits that are essentially throwaway news items culled from MLB.com.

Let's get started.

Tough stretch for the Yankees, who have started a three-city trip to Baltimore, Chicago and Cleveland. Because of Pope Benedict XVI's weekend visit to Yankee Stadium, they are playing 18 road games in a stretch of 20 days.

If you knew this, why are they the 22nd-best team in your power rankings? They scored 968 runs last year, almost a half-run better than the next best team and their pitching was even crappier last year to start the season (Carl Pavano was the opening day starter). They finished 94-68.

They'll be fine.

Gabe Kapler, a minor-league manager last season and a Brewers outfielder this season, missed a three-game series in St. Louis with a bruised shoulder caused by crashing into the outfield walls shagging fly balls. Did he fine himself for the silly injury?

Phil made a funny.

Roger Clemens isn't completely out of sight. He has been a frequent visitor to Lewis-Gale Medical Center Field in Salem, Mass., where Koby Clemens is the starting catcher for the Carolina League's Avalanche. He rented out a local sports bar so the Avalanche front office and players could watch the NCAA tournament title game between Kansas and Memphis.

When I say inconsequential, I mean it.

Nice of Curt Schilling's doctor to go on a radio station to say Schilling would be interested in pitching for the Yankees next season. Craig Morgan is upset with the Red Sox for not signing off on surgery to repair Schilling's partially torn labrum and loose biceps.

I swear, Schilling must have murdered Phil's cat.

Four items into the whispers and we're given tidbits about the completely irrelevant goings-on of Curt Schilling and Roger Clemens, two players utterly useless to the current baseball discussion.

Sportswriters do this all the time. Bitch about the perpetuation of stories not germane to the current relevance and go ahead and perpetuate it themselves.

Pitchers having serious velocity issues: Nationals closer Chad Cordero (topped out at 82 m.p.h. in one recent outing), Braves starter Tim Hudson (fastball at 84-85 against Florida on Wednesday), Angels closer Francisco Rodriguez (low-90s) and the surgically repaired Francisco Liriano (low-90s).

A bit of an innocuous tidbit but pretty telling in what is not said for a couple.

Chad Cordero - Right shoulder tendinitis so what do you expect?

Tim Hudson - A ton of pitchers go through a dead arm period in April. Never threw hard.

Frankie Rodriguez - A bad ankle. Back up to 95 on Saturday. Watch the games.

Rockies shortstop Troy Tulowitzki,who drove in 99 runs last year, didn't get his first RBI this season until Wednesday, when he ended an 0-for-20 slump. He might be the biggest disappointment in the majors thus far.

'Entering the weekend', Tulowitski had about 14 plate appearances with runners in scoring position, well below the league average. Last year, he was above the league average in opportunites to drive in runs. This year, he's batting almost exclusively second and is hitting behind a leadoff platoon that is getting on base at a .303 clip. BTW, he had more 5 rbi over the weekend.

Biggest disappointment?

Here's a few better candidates to consider, guys hitting in lineup spots demanding performance:

Ryan Howard: Hitting .186 with only 9 rbi.

Prince Fielder: Hitting .222 and just hit his first hr over the weekend.

Ryan Braun: Also hitting .222.

Andruw Jones: Hitting .169 with only 3 rbi and has struck out 21 times in 59 abs.

David Ortiz: Was hitting .111 entering the weekend with one hr and 7 rbi.

And that's just hitters. Sabathia, Verlander and Oswalt are infinitely 'mostest disappointing' compared to Tulowitzki as well.

Can't wait to hear next week's whispers. I predict a Julio Franco and Jason Giambi item.

Phil Watch: Revising His Preseason Pshaws

Something's going on.

Something curious in that the Tribune's baseball columnist seems to only be posting a column on weekends for the Sunday print edition.

Could Phil be the 'failing Tribune columnist' that Mariotti referred to today?

'Lacking creative juices and originality' kinda fits? But that could be anybody really.

Possible reasons:

1. Vacation - strange that he would take it the first month of the season.

2. Repositioning - Sunday fits Phil's writing better. Musings for the semi-blurry, casual reader.

3. Buyout Coming - A move to Sundays is a clear sign management ain't diggin' ya.

4. A temporary schedule reshuffling - maybe they're just trying something new.

As always, probably a combo of all of them. Management is probably still deciding.

With that, Phil went all voluminous for Sunday, cranking out three (count them, three!) columns for the blurry-eyed just biding time until the crossword puzzle.

Let's get started with Phil's revision of the AL Central.

Perhaps the White Sox's neighborhood isn't so dangerous, after all.

The stumbling starts of the Detroit Tigers and Cleveland Indians force a reassessment of the American League Central. The feeling here is that it's too early to read much into the early problems of C.C. Sabathia and the Indians but that the Tigers have pitching issues that aren't going away any time soon.

Could this be the start of a national 'reassessment' of the AL Central? If it's reached the depths of Phil, maybe the rest of the world will jump on board. It is not head-and-shoulders above the rest of the Divided-Up Groupings in these Leagues that are Considered Major. It's not better than the AL East and probably not better than the NL West.

Anyone with a modicum of baseball acumen could have predicted Detriot's bullpen and rotation shortcomings while Cleveland added nothing to a team that had a few players enjoying career years last year (Byrd, Blake, Betancourt). If Cliff Lee didn't suddenly learn how to pitch this year, it could be worse.

After splitting a two-game series at the recently renamed Progressive Field in Cleveland, the Indians and Tigers entered the weekend at 11-21—and even that record shrinks to 9-19 (less than one victory for every three games) when the head-to-head matchups are eliminated.

Ding, ding, ding!!! New Phil-math. Not as good as this, but still pretty good in its utter uselessness to create a picture of badness. Analyze offensive numbers like how both teams were bringing up the rear in OPS 'entering the weekend'? Nope. Just look at the standings and come up with some dopey combined record that isn't that glaring outside of the original numbers.

And I love the 'entering the weekend'. It tells us when Phil is typing words. Something's goin' on, my friends.

What happened to the teams that won at a .551 pace over the last two seasons and were expected to improve that margin a little bit this season?

More? I'm gettin' a woody. Slight improvement, though. It probably took a calculator.

The Indians' fate will sink or rise with Sabathia and the recently disabled Joe Borowski or his replacement as the closer. They have a solid, deep pitching staff capable of complementing their well-balanced lineup, which makes it clear to identify Sabathia and Borowski as the primary reasons for the bad start.

Or the fact that they were hitting like .220 'entering the weekend'.

Solid and deep? Cliff Lee will come back down to earth soon enough. Jake Westbrook is still Jake Westbrook. Paul Byrd is already back to being Paul Byrd. Sabathia has major release and balance issues. Really. It's like he forgot how to pitch.

Well-balanced? Okay. They were a pretty darn good run-producing team that was good at producing more runs than the other team wearing different colored uniforms.

But with Franklin Gutierrez and David Dellucci anchoring the outfield corners, Casey Blake playing third and looking more like the Casey Blake we're all familiar with and Asdrubal Cabrera attempting to play regularly after an unspectacular minor league career and never rated high in the Mariner's organization before being dumped in the Eduardo Perez deal, they field a team with four positions being played by terrible average to below-average hitters.

How's that balanced?

And that's not even taking into account Hafner's strange decline at an age when he should be just destroying the baseball.

Borowski, who led the AL with 45 saves last season, picked up two saves the first week of the season but then blew his next two, giving up a game-ending grand slam to Torii Hunter and a monstrous two-run homer to Manny Ramirez. He had an 18.00 ERA and a .412 opponents' batting average when he went on the DL on Tuesday, the announced reason being a strained triceps muscle.

Can't we just shorten this? Joe Borowski is bad at baseball. He's always been bad at baseball.

He's like the guy who gets a promotion because everybody else just left the company and a warm body is needed to shuffle the papers. Never really qualified but cripes, someone has to do it.

Yes. He saved 45 games last season. And he also finished 149th among relievers in the league with 40 innings pitched last year.

Let's use Phil-math. That's about the average fifth-best reliever when you average all the league's team bullpen player averages and assessing just how below-average to bad a reliever is.

It's strange Phil doesn't know how bad he is. Borowski used to play for the Cubs.

The Tigers were the only AL team with an ERA higher than the Indians entering the weekend. Their pitching seems like the kind of problem that could haunt the vaunted lineup all season.

Something that could be seen by a deaf and blind gibbon entering the season. The pitching is bad. And they're not even good at being bad. Assuming the Tiger's pitching wouldn't be an issue this year assumed Dontrelle Wills was suddenly going to be good again, Kenny Rogers was going to be healthy all season at 43, Jeremy Bonderman was going to correct his abysmal second half performance last year and Nate Robertson was suddenly going to learn how to pitch.

Bullpen? Zach Miner and Jason Grilli? Todd Jones as closer? C'mon.

The Tigers have the potential to score a bazillion runs. But that assumes the pitching is going hold the opposition to a bazillion runs minus one.

After all, Dontrelle Willis (currently on the DL with a hyperextended knee after walking nine with no strikeouts in his first two starts) was the only significant addition to a pitching staff that ranked ninth in the AL in ERA and runs allowed a year ago.

Where was this shit before the season? Cripes!

More coming with the other two articles. I apparently have all week. But I'll get to them before we 'enter the weekend'.

Phil Watch: Updated Dopiness

For the last 25 years, media-types have howled about the precipitous decline in circulation of the American newspaper.

Among the myriad of reasons for the decline - and at the top of the heap - has been, of course, the rising prevalence of these internets.

But one reason particularly pertinent to my world is that newspapers pay $80,000+ to dippy dopes like Phil Rogers, a man who gives the Tribune his entirely nonsensical weekly baseball power rankings.

To wit:

2. Cardinals (7): Jason Isringhausen has been the most valuable pitcher in the majors so far, figuring in on six of St. Louis' first nine wins. Kyle Lohse and Todd Wellemeyer combined to allow two or fewer runs in five of their first six starts.

There's a trend coming. Apparently Phil found some statistical website that has a column showing a team's record relative to a pitcher's appearance in an individual game. It's a flawed statistical model with such a small sample size. I will mark it with a : ( .

Isringhausen, in his seven appearances, has come in to save a one-run lead in the ninth exactly once before blowing the save yesterday. His one win came as a result of that blown save.

And if the Cardinals are the second-best team in baseball, I'm quitting my job and becoming a Hari Krishna because everything I thought I knew about this world has been wrong.

5. Athletics (23): Two Sweeneys (Ryan and Mike) are better than none. But they need Rich Harden to get back quickly from the "mild" strain of a muscle under his right arm.

The A's had a good week. They swept the Blue Jays in Toronto and took two out of three from the Indians. How does that affect Phil's rankings. The Blue Jays are ranked #3.

They're hitting .239 as a team, good for 27th in the majors. And don't think I missed Phil slipping a Ryan Sweeney reference in there. He's bound and determined to make sure his original opinion on the Swisher deal will hold up.

7. Brewers (12): Ben Sheets is leading the way. Milwaukee is 3-0 in his starts -- against Carlos Zambrano, Barry Zito and Santana.

: (. Am I supposed to think Zito is a good pitcher again? I put the over/under on the next Ben Sheets injury at May 21, 2008.

8. White Sox (14): Gavin Floyd is starting to make the Freddy Garcia trade look like a good one. His breaking pitches against the Tigers on Saturday were nothing short of wicked.

Freddy Garcia went 1-5 with a 5.90 ERA and a 1.60 WHIP last year and probably won't pitch this year.

Starting to?

9. Marlins (24): Hanley Ramirez is picking up where he left off last season. He's as talented as any kid in the majors.

The Marlins, Athletics and Cardinals are three of the top ten teams in baseball right now in Phil's world. They sweep the Nationals and jump 13 spots. BTW, the bullpen has a 7.17 ERA, good for dead last...by far.

18. Twins (17): No manager builds the confidence of his pitchers better than Ron Gardenhire. He trusts his bullpen, which is how workhorse Livan Hernandez can be 3-0 and still have not thrown 100 pitches in a start. No Twin has yet hit the 100-pitch mark.

: (. Hernandez = bad #1 pitcher = bad team at winning baseball games.

19. Orioles (30): Doubleheader sweep at Texas ended a six-game winning streak. Did it remind the Birds of their lack of pedigree?

The Orioles jump 11 spots by going 2-4 on the week.

20. Royals (15): It's been a credit to the pitching staff that Kansas City hasn't already fallen to the bottom of the AL Central. The struggling lineup has produced two homers in the last nine games. That's exhausting for everyone involved.

Christo confused.

It's obvious that a team's unbelievably recent performance wholly determine Phil's rankings.

Kansas City starters? 3rd in the majors. Bullpen? 1st in the majors.

21. Mariners (22): The temporary loss of closer J.J. Putz hasn't derailed a team that might have the starting pitching to challenge the Angels all season.

Good enough starting pitching to challenge a team that Phil said has incredible balance and is one of the best teams in the AL. Heck, let's rank the Mariners 21st.

29. Giants (32): Zito is 0-3 but has pitched a lot better; the Giants have scored two runs in his first three starts and have been shut out twice.

: (. A lot better? He has a 4.50 ERA (meh.) and a 1.69 WHIP (ick!). 0-3 is about right. With some luck, 1-2. Only one of his three starts would qualify as a 'quality start' and he's already given up four homers in three games.

Let's start a list. It will be a list of baseball thingys that dippy sportswriters like solely because everyone else either rips on them or doesn't care about them with that being the seemingly only qualification for said sportswriters to blather on about them.

Some early entries:

Barry Zito - bad at throwing baseballs past the age of 28.

Chris Young, ARI - Superstars don't hit .237, strike out 141 times and have a .295 OBP. Stolen bases are cute and don't win games more than, you know, getting on base in the first place.

The Blue Jays - This shit got worse with the Eckstein and Rolen signings.

Erik Bedard - Just because he was the best available pitcher this offseason doesn't make him a great pitcher.

Angel Pagan - It's week two, people. And it's Angel Pagan.

Gabe Kapler - See above.

Phil Watch: Power Rankings For Morons

Anybody else surly because of the weather?

And I mean deeply-embedded surliness, the kind where you realize ten times a day that you have a scowl on your face for no immediate reason.

I used to get mad at people whose mood was affected by the weather, thinking they were wholly incapable of controlling their emotions and willingly letting something as simple as weather dictate their level of contentedness.

But if someone told me to shut the fuck up today, I would have relented...and said thank you. I deserved every bit of that.

But you know what immediately makes me giddy?

Phil putting fingers on the keyboard.

He's got the cure for the daily blues.

Did you know that he has weekly baseball power rankings?

Let's get started.

2. Angels (4): With John Lackey and Kelvim Escobar out, Jered Weaver, Jon Garland and Joe Saunders have been as good as the front end of any rotation in the majors. That says a lot about the depth of a well-balanced team.

I sort of hate being a fan of a team that all the baseball writers and oodles of fans like but don't know anything about because their games end at midnight. The bullpen blows. Darren Oliver is the best pitcher in the pen. Get it. Not the second-best team in baseball right now.

3. Indians (1): This is a very strong team, but it already has one serious question: Is the pressure of pitching for a nine-figure contract a negative for C.C. Sabathia? The reigning Cy Young Award winner allowed nine runs in 10 2/3 innings in his first two starts.

Yes. C.C. Sabathia forgot how to throw a baseball. Those first few years where he went 100-64 with a 3.86 ERA actually didn't happen and were a mirage. His first two starts of the season are an absolute determiner of future success. Fuck, why play the rest of the season?

Is it just me or has this year brought out more stupid stupidness about hot/cold starts from players/teams?

The. Season. Is. About. Ten. Days. Old.

Shut. The. Fuck. Up.

5. Padres (10): Oh, what would Jake Peavy give to have turned in a performance against Colorado in that one-game playoff last season like either of his first two 2008 starts? He's the best pitcher in baseball until stakes get raised.

The Padres are the fifth-best team in baseball. Maybe he means the Padres in the Camanche Minors 12 and under league sponsored by Determann Blacktop.

You see, in order for the powers that be to consider a particular team the victor in a given contest, they must score more runs than the other group of guys in a different colored uniform on the field at the same time.

The Padres do not score more runs than other teams. It's not in their blood.

Sidenote: There Will Be Blood was quite good. A bit of a mess but a glorious mess.

6. Smart hitters (NR): Kosuke Fukudome's bunt single Saturday was a stroke of genius. It's embarrassing how much better Japanese superstars understand the game than those who learn in North America, watching sluggers swing for the fences.

Too cute by half, ranking 'Smart Hitters' in the power rankings. And get ready for this drum to be beaten all season long. I expect many dopey columns about Fukudome from Phil when he can't think of a topic.

Gutsy + Smart + Heady + Playing the Right Way + Smarmy Comment About How Stupid American Players Are = Column.

Throw in a few quotes loaded with platitudes from a five-minute, pre-game walk-through and presto! You have a column. And it takes you about twenty real minutes.

7. Cardinals (20): Remember us? The next few weeks will determine if Tony La Russa is capable of making a rebuilt Cardinals team matter again. Who would have predicted an 0.79 ERA the first trip through the rotation?

The Cardinals are the seventh-best team in baseball in the Rogers' household. Better than the Cubs, Mets, Yankees, Blue Jays, Rockies, Phillies and so on and so on.

9. Cubs (6): For this to be a magical season, they will have to play better. They were on a pace to allow a majors-worst 162 unearned runs through five games.

More dippy 'magical' talk from a Cubs fan. How about scoring more runs than the other team on a consistent basis that spans 162 games. I heard that works.

10. Mets (9): Despite one of the most productive lineups in the NL, these guys spun their wheels out of the gates. The loss of Pedro Martinez to a hamstring injury robbed them of early buzz.

Because buzz wins games.

11. Rays (27): A good lineup flexed some surprising muscle on a season-opening trip to Baltimore and Yankee Stadium. Two homers in the first three games is a good sign for Carlos Pena.

And promptly lost four straight until tonight. What would prompt this 16 spot jump? They played the Orioles once (the second game was rained out) and THEY LOST that one. They split the Yankees series and according to your own rankings, the Yankees aren't that good.

15. Royals (25): That season-opening sweep of Detroit signals improvement under rookie manager Trey Hillman. Kansas City won't outslug anyone but might have the pitching to make a run at .500.

Last year, the Boston Red Sox won the World Series. They were good. In July, they lost two of three to the Royals in Fenway.

Now unless I missed the memo, games in April count the same as games in July. And the Royals were bad at winning games last year. So I'm confused. What's the signal? Good for them and their pitching indeed looks better but a signal?

17. Twins (18): Livan Hernandez beat the Angels and Royals in his first two starts, for the moment neutralizing the loss of Johan Santana.

In Phil's world, the Twins are one notch better than the Yankees. And simple math tells me L. Hernandez ≠ J. Santana ever. Two Starts.

30. Orioles (30): George Sherrill, acquired from Seattle in the Erik Bedard trade, nailed down easy saves in three consecutive games against Tampa Bay and Seattle.

I'm confused. The Cardinals jump 13 spots, the Rays jump 14 spots and the Royals jump 10 spots but the Orioles start 6-1 and stay at #30. What is God's name is the criteria for this shit?

This makes me think Phil believes these rankings are, indeed, the rankings in terms of quality of each club w/r/t the rest of the league and not some hot/cold bullshity-type bullshit.

Holy Crap!

31. Tigers (7): Yes, this is a harsh ranking, but it's no worse than the postgame assessments of Jim Leyland. This lineup is going to hit but will feel a big strain from the weight of high expectations and a mediocre pitching staff.

Yes. Only the Giants are worse at baseball than the Tigers. You win, Phil. I give up.

Phil Watch: A Two-For-One Deal

Doin' some catch-up.

I swear, sometimes reading Phil makes me anticipate an "I can count to four!" at any time.

On Opening Day, he was relegated to watching TV baseball as opposed to, you know, actually watching a game from the press box.

He gave his pithy observations here.

Let's get started.

Weird day, Monday.

Rather than joining our corps of reporters in the field, I was put under house arrest by The Guy in the Big Office. He assigned me to watch as much baseball as possible and see if I could learn something to pass along to readers.

This is what managers do to people to limit any impending damage a person is capable of thrusting on the world. Keep their contribution innocuous. It's called a box. You'd think a national baseball columnist for a major newspaper could pretty much dictate how he would like to cover Opening Day. You know, because he's the national baseball columnist and it's, you know, Opening Day.

Many possibilities here. Could be a Mcguffin. Could be laziness. Could be a McGuffin prompted by his laziness. Could be his laziness prompted the actual assignment. I think it's a stew of all of them.

Despite the apologies of Ken Harrelson and Darrin Jackson, you probably ought to score from second base every time on a double. Joe Crede didn't on Juan Uribe's drive over Jason Michaels and off the left-field wall in the eighth inning. That cost the Sox one run, as had Paul Konerko's lack of speed an inning earlier. Konerko could advance only from second to third on a Jermaine Dye single to right field and was stranded when Alexei Ramirez and A.J. Pierzynski failed to come through.

Send Konerko with one out on a sharp single directly at Franklin Gutierrez down 6-1 in the seventh with one out? Just because Konerko's slow doesn't make it a baserunning blunder, especially down 6-1 late in the game when you need runs in bunches, not taking that opportunity to run yourself out of an inning.

The Crede blunder was legit. Why include the Konerko one, aside from making it fit into a Cubs-Sox baserunning comparison, already a dopey proposition.

Just let the Sox play their game and the Cubs play theirs. Just because they both play in the same city doesn't mean they're related in any way, shape or form. It's more pandering to the stupid.

• Johan Santana, yes. The former Twins ace didn't have his best stuff against Florida, but the new New York Met cruised to a 7-2 win that could be the first of 20-something this season. In his final inning, the seventh, he was throwing his fastball in the low 90s and fanned Matt Treanor on an 80-m.p.h. changeup that ought to come with a condolence card.

I bet $20 that was the only play Phil watched of that game. It was the Marlins. Santana's great, probably one of the top three/four pitchers in the game, but I expect Phil to beat this drum for the rest of the year. Phil, your weekly check from the Johan Santana promotional foundation is still in the mail. No worries.

• Joe Torre, relocated to Los Angeles after 12 seasons with the Yankees, is more interested in proving his old owner wrong than his new general manager right. He benched Juan Pierre to play Andre Ethier and Matt Kemp—both better hitters—on the outfield corners even though the ping-hitting Pierre had played 434 consecutive games and is still owed $36.5 million.

How in all that is holy is playing two players that you admit are better hitters than Juan Pierre a case of Joe Torre proving Steinbrenner wrong? That makes absolutely no sense.

Who gives a shit that he's played 434 consecutive games? He's bad at getting on base to the tune of a .329 OBP over the last three years...for a leadoff hitter. Criminy.

• Gary Sheffield has become the most patient hitter in the game. He walked four times in Detroit's extra-inning loss to Kansas City, twice after falling behind 0-2. In the ninth inning, with two outs and nobody on base, he took a strike on 3-1 rather than flailing for the fences, then walked on 3-2. Magglio Ordonez popped up to end the inning.

Probably factitious, but Sheffield was 41st in OBP last year, 78th in 2006. So if you mean for April 2, 2008, Gary Sheffield was the most patient hitter in the game, sure, why not.

But it's another example of Phil just writing what he briefly sees. Say what you see, Gareth.

Tie some shit together Phil and give me some analysis please. That's what columnists do, or at least it's in their job description.

• Cubs manager Lou Piniella should think about moving Felix Pie into the No. 7 spot. He's not going to get anything to hit with the pitcher behind him. Alfonso Soriano, a 70-RBI disappointment a year ago, is no No. 2 hitter either.

This is the stupidest thing I've heard over the last month. Mike Murphy has been pushing this crap since Steve Stone mentioned it on his show in early April.

Let me be clear and to the point. The Chicago Cubs baseball season's enjoyment/success does not hinge on the cutesy development of Felix Pie. If you move the pitcher up one slot, it means Geovany Soto will not see pitches. Soto is a much better prospect with much more power potential, anchoring an important position that the Cubs have desperately needed production out of for a few years now.

It's a dumb argument. Stop it.

• The Piranhas aren't turning into guppies just because Torii Hunter and Santana left. With Livan Hernandez starting in place of Santana, the Twins knocked off Hunter and the Los Angeles Angels.

One game. The Twins are bad at baseball, especially at throwing the ball to home plate from the bump in the middle of the infield.

• Why doesn't Cincinnati cut the cord with Adam Dunn? Yes, he hits home runs, but, man, the strikeouts. He couldn't lay off ball four leading off the ninth, not even with the Reds trailing by two runs, and Dusty Baker lost his debut in Cincinnati 4-2. Dunn isn't the future; Jay Bruce is.

Aaaaah, the crown jewel. Cut the cord on Adam Dunn? A guy with a career .381 OBP and has hit 40 or more home runs in each of the last four years? Ryan Howard struck out 199 times last year, and he missed some time. Should the Phillies dump him?

Jay Bruce is the heir apparent in CENTERFIELD, not leftfield where Dunn plays, you dope. And he would be there now if Dusty didn't ask the front office to sign Corey fuckin' Patterson.

I wish Phil was in my fantasy league.

I was going to do Phil's weekend offering but I'll just summarize.

* Doug Davis is a hero for contracting thyroid cancer, more than that smarmy Curt Schilling fella.

* Phil says, "many scouts and analysts thought Detroit would be the best lineup ever." Not 'many scouts and analysts'. Phil did...here.

* Kevin Youlikis is a 'winning player' who 'plays the game right'. And he met Steve Garvey, which was neat.