Phil Watch: Cutesy Chicago Team Comparison Issue

Rare Wednesday offering from the Philster.

This is the time of year columnists all over this land of ours belch forth silliness assessing the state of sports in their respective cities. I'm sure Detroit's residents have been inundated with crap along these lines with the Pistons and the Red Wings in the playoffs at the same time (ESPN sure thinks it's cute).

Anytime multiple sports converge - in the spring and in the fall - it's a gold mine for the lazy to fulfill their minimum contractual obligation by spewing dippy 'State of the City' crap.

Phil follows the theme by comparing the state of Chicago's baseball teams by making up categories and doling out symbolic baseball bats to the team who is better in the category in Phil's mind.

In other words, more potential for stupid stupidness.

Today, Phil Watch will focus on how many times Phil recycles shit he's already said in the past.

Let's get started.

Historic season looms for Chicago baseball

Quite the script. Two teams in first place. Nearly June. Will it bring playoff baseball to both sides of town? Both have what it takes for a Hollywood ending, but who is more likely to have a hit?

I insert the heading and sub-heading because it's funny that Phil used a sub-heading, period.

He's never used it and we all know his struggles with nut graphs.

Not that this is any better. Linking baseball with Hollywood is soooo hackneyed.

If the Cubs hold off St. Louis for another few days, this could be the first time in 31 seasons the Cubs and White Sox have both been in first place at the end of May. This, however, might not be the greatest harbinger of good times. The "South Side Hit Men" Sox slid to a third-place finish, 12 games behind division winner Kansas City that 1977 season, while the Cubs finished 81-81 and in fourth place.

Holy Crap! What is the hell does what happened 31 fuckin' years ago have to do with 2008?!

This harbinger crap is one step short of meatball Cub fan 'billygoat curse' shit (I'm feeling a bit potty-mouthed today).

The Cubs are a better team than the White Sox, but it is the Sox, surprisingly, who could be better situated to advance as a division champ or wild card, based on their competition.

Overall, give the Cubs a marginally better chance to survive until October than the White Sox.

Make up your freaking mind! These were back-to-back sentences. It's not like Phil got lost along the way and contradicted himself a la Carol Slezak. Back. To. Back.

That's based on the tangible (more organizational depth) and the intangible (general manager (sic)im Hendry seems better suited than counterpart Ken Williams to pull off a blockbuster trade at the July 31 deadline).

Those two are basically the same thing given we are 1/3 of the way into the season. Since teams can't play more than eight fielders and pitch more than one person at a time, Phil's argument presupposes an injury and sudden ineffectiveness from some player.

Since the most expected to happen would be one or two players w/r/t the organizational depth argument, the Sox can fill that gap for THIS year with what they have at Charlotte on par with what the Cubs have at Iowa.

Here's a look at the factors, with rankings based on a scale of one to five bats:

Goody. Phil-Math.

Nothing is more important in winning when it matters most, in August and September, than the ability to win low-scoring games. Hitters rarely take pressure off pitchers, but it often works the other way around.

Bullshit. Hitters routinely take pressure off pitchers by scoring a gazillion runs for them, hence the pitchers with wildly inaccurate win totals not representative of their actual ability. See Jon Garland for the Sox and Daisuke Matsusaka who, BTW, reportedly now has shoulder fatigue.

Pitching and defense: White Sox 5 bats, Cubs 4 bats

It probably can't be sustained for a full season. But there's no reason the Sox can't remain near this level, as manager Ozzie Guillen preserves starters as well as any manager and these starters are allowing him to avoid overworking his relievers, as he did in 2006 and 2007.

Got a question. Yes. The bald guy in the third row. Yes. How exactly did Guillen 'overwork' his relievers in 2007 when the starting pitchers sucked balls? Did Guillen has a choice?

A follow-up question please. Yes, go ahead. If preserving starters is important to baseball teams being good at baseball over the long haul, does that alter your perception of His Dustyness?

Sir? Sir? I think Phil fell asleep.

Scoring: Cubs 5 bats, White Sox 3 bats

While Piniella bemoans the need for a left-handed run producer—a sign Kosuke Fukudome isn't living up to his potential—the Cubs are clubbing foes into submission.

I thought we loved his approach to the game?

In fairness, Fukudome hasn't been spectacular lately with a .271/.370/.353 line in May.

But I think in fairness, 'potential' is a rather dubious description for him. There was inevitably an adjustment period coming. Pitchers realized he wasn't swinging at just everything and started pounding him low-in and realized he does, in fact, guess a bit, leading to the change-up being quite effective against him.

Organizational depth: Cubs 4 bats, White Sox 3

The White Sox should be glad they didn't trade Joe Crede. Third baseman Josh Fields, who hit 23 homers a year ago, and outfielder Jerry Owens, are available at Triple-A Charlotte. Ditto sixth starter Lance Broadway (5-2, 2.85 in 10 starts) and off-season addition Brad Eldred, a career minor-league slugger who has 18 homers and 49 RBIs in 49 games. He's a first baseman by trade but is playing some outfield.

And there's your one or two players to fill the gap I spoke of.

But there's a reason Brad Eldred couldn't crack the lineup in Pittsburgh. He's struck out 62 times in 186 abs in Charlotte while walking...10 times. He's all or nothing. He's an ersatz Rob Deer.

And Fields and Owens aren't exactly lighting up the International League. But they do have a track record in the Majors and can fill holes.

Kerry Wood will have to prove he can hold up in the closer's role, as he never has made more than 25 relief appearances in a season.

Um...what? Wood's pitched out of the bullpen for exactly one season, last year, with a clearly defined bullpen role! 2005 doesn't count as he moved back and forth between the pen and the rotation because of his arm issues and a well-stocked rotation. I'm not even a Cub fan and I remember the circumstances surrounding Wood's 2005 season. Criminy.

Hendry hasn't tapped into his supply of prospects seriously since the disastrous three-for-one deal for Juan Pierre before 2005.

By golly, I nearly forgot Pierre was a Cub. That seems like eons ago.

The White Sox opened the season over budget, raising a question about their spending.

Let's go back in time. On February 18, Phil wrote a column bemoaning the Sox payroll as bloated, saying it will be in the range of $115-120 million this season. The Sox receive $8.5 million in cash considerations not factored into the current $121 million payroll, leaving the actual payroll at about $112 million.

They of course had to sign the key players from the '05 championship season because it was the right thing to do and those players are still on the books because, you know, it was only three years ago. Since then, Kenny and Jerry have been quite sensible about long-term payroll projections while still staying relatively young and should be a major player in the free-agent market next year.

Major shit comes off the books next year. Look past the superficial, Phil.

The list of players possibly moving at the deadline includes Oakland's Joe Blanton and Rich Harden, Baltimore's Brian Roberts and Cincinnati's Adam Dunn and Ken Griffey Jr.

More recycled Dunn shit. And I think the A's are going to have issues. Yes. But that probably won't come until late July when a brutal road stretch takes effect. I don't see Oakland dumping two young and good pitchers given the AL's curious drop in power across the board this year and the effect good pitching could have on future prospects for goodness.

One or two bats could do it for them and that can be had on the free agent market next year. Too young to do any serious damage this year but primed to be a contender in that shitty division for years to come IF THEY KEEP THEIR PITCHING!

When spring training began, many predicted the free-spending, free-swinging Detroit Tigers might challenge 1,000 runs. They're on track to score 781 and that's not the worst news; their pitching staff is 13th in the AL in ERA, including a 5.17 mark from the starters. Because this is a carryover from 2007, it could have been anticipated.

You, you, you, you, you. You didn't!

Headline: Don't expect fully-loaded Detroit to be paper tigers. Phil, March 4, 2008.

'Many' includes Phil. Read your own words.

That's a problem that can be cleared up, but last week's sweep by the White Sox could have lasting implications for embattled manager Eric Wedge and the Indians, who might have to consider trading free agent-in-waiting C.C. Sabathia.

Phil. If you're going to repeat yourself over and over again, at least use different words/logic. Make it at least look like you're making an effort.

Power Rankings last Monday: 7. White Sox (10): Sweep of Cleveland last week could have lasting implications for both teams.

And Sunday: The Indians' visit to Chicago last week seemed like a dangerous stretch for the first-place White Sox. But by sweeping Cleveland, they not only maintained their lead in the American League Central but dealt the Indians a blow that could be remembered in September if they have joined Detroit in having a disappointing season.

It's lazy. Just lazy. When playing out the string in life, it's important to at least look like you're trying.

Otherwise, it's just sad.

Phil Watch: Power Rankings For Morons Continues

Did you know that Phil is from the same town (Denton, TX) as Mean Joe Greene?

Or did you know that Phil wrote a book about the 2005 Chicago White Sox? I didn't. I think I'll be buying that. Aside from the dopey title, the two Amazon reviews tell a tale of vintage Phil. Oh, the haphazardness!

Maybe we have a new entry for Book Corner.

Let's get to the power rankings.

1. Red Sox (3): When in doubt, go with Boston as the best team. The Red Sox slipped past the Cubs based on the good karma created by Jon Lester's no-hitter, Daisuke Matsuzaka's 8-0 record and the arrival of Bartolo Colon, who looks like he'll stick in the rotation. Colon and Manny Ramirez, who are close friends, could benefit from the chance to be teammates. Yes, they got swept in Oakland, but a trip to Seattle should get them winning again.

Now the Red Sox have karma on their side to go along with fate and cancer heros. Let's just give them the trophy right now. Who can compete with that?

Colon: 5 innings, 6 hits, 2 runs, 2 walks, 4 k against Kansas City at home. One start. I repeat. Please give Colon a spot in the rotation long-term. I beg you.

Mate. When you were at the plate in high school, did you 'benefit' from us being friends?

2. Cubs (1): The Cubs are the highest-scoring team in the majors, and Lou Piniella isn't happy. He would like to add a left-handed hitter with pop who can play center field or right field. Jim Edmonds could still be that guy but needs to come out hitting against the Dodgers' right-handers in the upcoming series.

Hey. Phil didn't mention Adam Dunn. Is this progress?

3. Diamondbacks (2): The Arizona lineup has cooled off, which was probably to be expected, but its pitching staff is built to last. Randy Johnson opened some eyes with his 10-strikeout performance on Saturday at Atlanta.

More progress? Phil admitted that Arizona's lineup crapiness of late was to be expected, though strikeouts are just above merely cute for most pitchers. It's a contextual thing.

5. Rays (4): Is anyone home? Only 13,635 attended Friday night's homestand opener against Baltimore. That's disappointing considering how well these guys are playing.

Gotta say. If I lived in Tampa Bay, continuously showing up under the sole auspices of 'supporting the local sporting venture' would get a little old after a bit. They're good and there are oodles of reasons to believe this team is for real. But after 10 years of crappy ownership and thrifty spending, I'd be a little hesitant to go on a consistent basis.

But 30,000 showed up Saturday, the home opponents haven't exactly been 'Gold at the Gate' lately and school's still in session. This will inch up.

6. Angels (11): Francisco Rodriguez is on pace to enter free agency coming off a major-league record for saves. He could go past 60 at the pace he's on. What would that be worth on the market?

Angel pitchers had a 2.08 ERA over the last week but a dippy saves projection for Frankie Rodriguez is Phil's nugget and the reason they jump 5 spots.

7. White Sox (10): Sweep of Cleveland last week could have lasting implications for both teams.

May. May. May. May. May!!!!!!! IT WAS IN MAY!!!!

When Cleveland hitters go to the plate over the next 115 games of the season, they ultimately will think about that sweep in Chicago and just give up. How does a player get over such things? A sweep.

All games matter. May is of course just as important as August and September. But it's still May. Quit peddling this crap. For further evidence, here are the standings at this time last year.

14. Phillies (15): Ryan Howard is heating up.

Wait a minute. I thought Ryan Howard was looking more and more like an AL player about to be traded?

16. Dodgers (16): How much could Adam Dunn help these guys? The deals with Andruw Jones and Juan Pierre must make it tough to add the power hitting that Los Angeles continues to lack.

There's the Adam Dunn reference. He has a 1.364 OPS over the last fifteen days and a 1.633 OPS over the last seven. Cincinnati should trade the bum. Especially in May because everyone knows that games in May have lasting implications. We take the record in May and use that to determine playoff teams. It's a little-known baseball fact but it's true.

I say again. Given Dunn's production, his contract is reasonable and given his k rate and average, he is in no position to ask for some wildly silly contract. If the Reds trade him, they would be stupid in a very stupid way.

I just don't get it. Phil seems to think Dunn would help every team in the majors except, you know, the team he's currently plays for. In a Reds uniform, he's a terd blocking Mr. Jay Bruce. In any other uniform, he makes them an instant playoff contender.

17. Indians (8): Fausto Carmona departs as Joe Borowski returns. Cleveland should be better than this, but after getting swept in Cincinnati and at U.S. Cellular Field, you have to wonder if the Indians will get it together this season. It's hard to believe that this lineup could be struggling to stay above .230 this late.

Why should they be better than this? Why is this hard to believe?

Please. Just look at the bodies currently being plugged into the lineup.

Because the Indians were good last year does not automatically mean they will be good this year.

20. Tigers (22): Triple-A Toledo is outslugging its parent club. The Mud Hens are leading the International League with 88 home runs, 34 more than runner-up Charlotte, the Sox's affiliate. Toledo's Mike Hessman has 19 homers, two more than Charlotte's Brad Eldred.

I outslugged Juan Pierre in high school.

Was I a better player than Juan Pierre?

Let's take a poll.

Was I better than Juan Pierre?



No.



Hell no.



What are you smoking?

View results

Free surveys

21. Orioles (18): Have we seen the last of Steve Trachsel? Baltimore has been skipping him whenever possible, which hasn't helped him stay sharp. Trachsel gave up nine runs in 12/3 innings on Saturday against Tampa Bay.

So the Orioles are skipping him whenever possible because he's bad. When they weren't skipping his starts, he had a 6.08 ERA.

Stay sharp? Heck, stay sharp?

22. Brewers (19): You know the manager is trying to save his job when he lets Ben Sheets throw 123 pitches, as Ned Yost did at Pittsburgh on Wednesday. Keep an eye on Sheets the next couple of times out.

As opposed to Phil's soul-mate, Dusty Baker, trotting out the best young pitcher in the game right now, Edinson Volquez to pitch in the 17th inning (39 pitches) of the game against Padres on Sunday after throwing 92 pitches Friday night?

When are Phil's standards going to apply to everyone?

Phil Watch: You Too Can Be Courageously Courageous

Welcome back, folks. We're back to our usual Phil schedule. Aside from a half-hearted effort posted on Thursday about instant replay in baseball, nothing of relevance showed up this week.

Sunday's three articles opens with the flagship Phil column spending 800 words on the courageously courageous Jon Lester who threw a no-hitter last week.

Now here's the thing. On April 29, Lester threw eight innings of one-hit ball. But on May 19, he threw nine innings of no-hit ball.

Eight innings? Ppppppffffttt! Pussy. And what are you doing giving up a hit?

Nine innings? He's my hero! And he had cancer. He's my courageous hero!

Good for Lester (and Doug Davis). Bad for people who read platitude-spewing sportswriters that tend to milk this stuff to the last drop. So let's just ignore that and move on.

Let's get started.

The 24-year-old Lester's no-hitter came only 77 games after one by 23-year-old Clay Buchholz on Sept. 1 at Fenway Park. And on the night after Lester's effort, 23-year-old Justin Masterson held Kansas City to one run over 61/3 innings in his second big-league start.

If my team had this collection of pitchers, I might feel almost ready to be mildly okay with my team's prospects. I wouldn't feel like it's some sort of arsenal of Anton Chigurhs ready to destroy everything in their path, though.

Just because ESPN belches out their names every four seconds doesn't mean they get better with each mention.

Beckett: Good pitcher - probably in the top six or so in the AL. Anton Chigurh in the playoffs. Shown to be a bit tweaky in the past and the Red Sox should feel lucky to get 30 starts out of him in each of the last two years. He never hit that mark in any of his four years in Florida.

Matsusaka: 8-0, 2.40 ERA this year. But his WHIP is a pedestrian 1.32 and shows a correction is on its way. The Red Sox wised up and started pulling him earlier this year given his record of tiring late last year and hitters catching onto him (4.96 ERA when seeing the lineup for the third time). His 42% ground ball rate is terrible and he's once again the recipient of superlative run support. Things will even out here.

Lester: Still young with potential. Control was a worry in the minors (3.78 BB/9) and that has so far carried over to the majors (4.49 bb/9). Gave up 8 hits/9 in the minors and giving up almost 9 hits/9 in the majors. A no-hitter doesn't make a pitcher great (see Joe Cowley, Bud Smith, Anibel Sanchez and Jose Jimenez). Probably a #3 at best with issues. He's Ted Lilly.

Buchholz: Ridiculously good in the minors and ridiculously average to bad in the majors. He also threw a no-hitter but didn't have cancer so that didn't count. Once again, still young with oodles of upside but curiously having control problems in the majors (4.15 BB/9).

Masterson: C'mon. Good pedigree but has pitched a grand total of 18 games above Single-A ball. In those 18 games in Double-A, he had a 4.31 ERA with a 1.25 WHIP. Not exactly mowing them down. He's a funky delivery guy with a modicum of upside who could be a decent #5 with Matsusaka-like run support.

Simply put, if the Red Sox didn't have a lineup filled with Anton Chigurhs, their pitching would be a major concern given their youth. If this staff had an average lineup (read: The Angels) backing them up, it would be average at best. Funny what wins allow people to gloss over.

Masterson stands 6 feet 6 inches and reminds some of Dennis Eckersley with his delivery. He pounds the strike zone with hard sinkers. He often is compared to Derek Lowe.

Throwin' around a lot of names there. Let's see a track record outside of two starts before we anoint the young man. See Johnny Cueto.

Not that they really seem to need him, but Bartolo Colon was impressive in his 2008 debut. He held Kansas City to two runs in five innings Wednesday night, mostly working in the low 90s but hitting 96 a couple of times. He's in the rotation to stay, which could mean Buchholz will go to the bullpen when he returns from the disabled list in a week or two. Masterson also could be used in the bullpen at some point.

Hey. Phil got through a Bartolo Colon sentence and didn't mention that the White Sox passed on him in the off-season. Good for him.

BTW, I watched that game and Colon had has fastball and that was it. His breaking stuff was borderline terrible. As an Angels fan, I beg for the Red Sox to insert Colon into the rotation full-time. Please put him on the post-season roster and please start him against the Angels.

Please.

The Indians' visit to Chicago last week seemed like a dangerous stretch for the first-place White Sox. But by sweeping Cleveland, they not only maintained their lead in the American League Central but dealt the Indians a blow that could be remembered in September if they have joined Detroit in having a disappointing season.

After ranking sixth in the AL with 811 runs a year ago, Cleveland had fallen to 12th — on a pace to score only 645 — this season.

Okay. Here's the thing. Baseball teams are not a collection of robots in uniforms. They are actual people.

With an outfield rotation of Dellucci, Gutierrez, Francisco and Sizemore and an infield of Cabrera, Blake, Peralta and Garko, this is not a good offensive team. They were good last year because a few players hit out of their gourd (see Casey Blake).

Actual players not hitting actual baseballs in actual games may be the final analysis for the Indians at the end of the season, not being swept by the Sox in May.

Moving to Phil's Whispers. He has his ear to the ground for us.

Manager Joe Girardi's plans to keep Joba Chamberlain in the Yankees' bullpen all season have come crashing down, making it appear Co-chairman Hank Steinbrenner or general manager Brian Cashman overruled him. Girardi was right to value Chamberlain's set-up role, but it appears he will be a starter by the All-Star break.

What's this 'appear' crap? Who with a rational baseball mind gives a shit about appearances?

Girardi's hand was forced by the fact that Hughes has been bad and injured and Kennedy's been bad and bad. He already ripped Rasner from the minors. What else can Girardi do? Have Giambi don the golden thong and take the bump?

It's a numbers game. Someone has to take the ball every fifth day.

With summer still around the corner, it's too early to read much into league stats. But 2008 does look like a down year for hitters. The AL slugging percentage entering the weekend was .397. It hasn't been .400 or less since 1992.

WWWWWHHHHHHHAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTT??????!!!!!!!???????!!!!!!

It's still too early to read that much into league stats?

Phil's been superficially using and manipulating numbers without context all freakin' season!

For whatever reason, Arizona hitters are killers at home (third in the NL at .296 entering Saturday) and pussycats on the road (16th, .217).

Wait a minute:

It's over

The remaining five months of baseball will be played, but Arizona's 20-8 April took any suspense out of what figured to be a very good race in the National League West.

This is what Phil wrote on May 4. Over. 28 games into the season.

And probably more prescient, the D'Backs are hitting .245 in May overall, good for 25th in the league. What does that say? Arizona had a hot April. That. Is. All. Season-to-date numbers for the D'backs are specious at best given the April they had.

It's called a filtered split, Phil. Use it. It helps.

Moving Dontrelle Willis to the bullpen is a sign of how little margin for error the Tigers believe they have after their awful start. Manager Jim Leyland says Willis needs only some "fine-tuning," but it will be interesting to see how long it will be before he starts.

Or it means that Willis still has an issue of finding that thing called the strike zone, even in his rehab starts.

Power Rankings for Morons tomorrow. I'm done with predicting Phil but where's that Jacque Jones column?

C'mon. You are deliberately denying the BRE office staff oodles of fun.

Phil Watch: PFRM - Watching Baseball Is Optional

After being completely exasperated from yesterday's All-Star ballot argument from Phil, I thought I would have a brief sabbatical from Phil at least until the inevitable Jacque Jones column comes Wednesday (I CANNOT WAIT for that...I'm already letting out a little pee).

And then I remembered the Monday Power Rankings. Crap.

Let's get started:

3. Red Sox (1): You can’t lose five out of six to the Twins and Orioles without exposing some vulnerability. Clay Buchholz’s trip to the disabled list is alarming, as some scouts have wondered about him since spring training

We'll start small. Trip to the DL with (drumroll) a broken fingernail on his throwing hand. let me repeat. Broken. Fingernail. Placing him on the disabled list has absolutely nothing to do with some implied arm trouble. No reports on Buchholz talk about structural issues, only badness issues.

4. Rays (10): These guys were beaming after taking three of four, especially enjoying Hank Steinbrenner’s comment that the Yankees need to start “playing like the Rays.’’ Tampa Bay is 11-2 against AL East opponents at Tropicana Field, and also swept a home series against the Angels. That’s impressive.

Hey boys, did you hear what Mr. Steinbrenner said about us? Now we're legit.

On this front, good to see the George apple didn't fall far from the tree. Hank's a bit of a loon.

5. Mets (6): Willie Randolph received a vote of confidence from Omar Minaya on Friday, which is never a good sign for a guy’s job security. A Tuesday doubleheader in Atlanta is crucial for a team that hasn’t regained the strut it lost during the 2007 collapse.

It's also crucial for Willie to keep his bowels regular. It's crucial for Jose Reyes to keep the game 'fun'. This is crucial, that is crucial, everything's crucial.

It's mid-May. Even if Minaya did the incredibly stupid move of firing Randolph this early, the doubleheader against Atlanta means as much as two games in April or two games in July. That's how baseball standings work. The loss does not weigh more in the standings because it was more potentially demoralizing.

6. Athletics (5): Even with Frank Thomas aboard, they can have trouble scoring runs, as three recent shutouts against Cleveland and Texas indicate. But the pitching staff remains a pleasant surprise.

1-5 last week and they drop one spot. Nobody's hitting, a sign that this team, who played an absolutely cushy schedule early on, may be regressing back to their career averages.

Frank Thomas, by the way, has four extra-base hits for Oakland since joining the team with no home runs. It was a good pick-up, but by no means is he some savior at his age and by no means was his release by the Blue Jays some boneheaded move. I will contend this to my grave Phil-style.

7. Braves (7): A 2-12 record in one-run games has hidden the overall impressive play of baseball’s most upwardly mobile team. If Tom Glavine and John Smoltz can hold together, Atlanta easily could recover from a mediocre start to win another division title.

4-6 is the last ten is upwardly mobile?

If Smoltz can hold together? He's already injured, his return now pushed back from the end of May to 'a lot longer' and isn't going back to the rotation when he does return. The latter was news two weeks ago.

And I love one-run game records being used by the lazy to buttress an argument. At one turn, it's a sign of bad luck and it will improve. At another turn, it's a sign that a team doesn't have the guts to close the deal. It's application is just so random.

10. White Sox (11): Jose Contreras’ forkball is again a serious weapon. His performance likely will determine whether Ozzie Guillen’s team has enough pitching to hang with Cleveland all season.

First, let me say that Contreras' forkball last week against the Angels was just ridiculous. Some of the Angels looked like a flailing, drunken boob swatting at imaginary flies.

But $20 says that Phil proclaims Buehrle's the key next week.

Like in life, no one thing is a key to ultimate success. It's an amalgam of things.

11. Angels (8): Orlando Cabrera says Mike Scioscia "is on another level" from the game’s other managers, and he’s not the only one who thinks like that. In many ways the Angels have sputtered this season, but Scioscia has still had them consistently in front, thanks to the pitching of Joe Saunders and Ervin Santana.

It expected more from Phil. Well, that's debatable. With the Sox playing the Angels four times last week, it figured the only visual exposure Phil has of the team would bring forth a little more.

First. Sputtered? They're in first place while not playing their top two pitchers. Only a dope thought this was going to be an offense with prodigious output.

Second. Garret Anderson is hitting .451 over the last 15 days, better than Chipper Jones and just behind Soriano and Berkman in terms of run production. Just a thought. Might be worth mentioning instead of Santana, a guy who was absolutely shelled in his last two starts.

13. Astros (15): When Lance Berkman homers, Houston is 11-2.

When I take a crap and the Hawks are down at halftime, they are 8-3. Call your bookie and lock it in.

14. Blue Jays (18): This might be the team that could benefit the most from taking a flier on Barry Bonds. Second place in the AL East, and a shot at a wild-card spot, is very achievable given the Yankees’ down year, but it’s not going to happen without some help.

Not one mention of the pitching. But seeing Bonds hit in Yankee Stadium and Fenway Park would be 'a lot of fun'.

15. Phillies (12): Jimmy Rollins’ return hasn’t provided the big spark they hoped for.

Hasn't....has...ha..h...hasn't...hasnthasnthasnt...!?!???!?!??!!!??!?!

Since he returned for the DL, Rollins is hitting .375 with 7 doubles, a homer, 7 RBI and 4 steals in 40 abs.

Let's project those numbers out to a full season to make them look gaudy:

600 abs - .375/.419/.625 105 doubles, 15 hrs, 105 RBI and 60 steals.

Hasn't....has...ha..h...hasn't...hasnthasnthasnt...!?!???!?!??!!!??!?!

The Phillies average averageness has NOTHING to do with Rollins!!!!?

16. Dodgers (14): Japanese import Hiroki Kuroda is 0-3 in his last eight starts despite a respectable 4.02 ERA.

Talk about randomly (and wrongly) picking a player to summarize a team's performance.

And an aside here. Wins mean practically nothing for a pitcher, mainly because so many other players on the team factor into the equation. For evidence, see Jon Garland.

20. Yankees (16): Can anyone remember the last time these guys weren’t scoring runs? The early-season failings at the back end of the rotation have spilled over to the lineup, which has had to tread water without Alex Rodriguez and Jorge Posada after getting Derek Jeter off the disabled list. The pinstriped uniforms and consistent excellence of Chien-Ming Wang and Mariano Rivera are the only reasons to project New York as a possible contender.

Take the real Baseball Jesus (Berkman's a false prophet) out of any lineup and production will inevitably go down.

Replace two of your best hitters with Morgan Ensberg/Alberto Gonzalez (who?) and Jose Molina and you have a recipe for crappiness.

Kind of answered your own queries (I said queer, huhuhuh) w/r/t the lineup.

21. Twins (22): The Livan Hernandez signing was a smart move by first-year GM Bill Smith.

That's all ya got? I thought this was the 'surprise' team in the AL Central, a team that was going to surprise with their surprising surpriseness.

22. Tigers (19): There aren’t many teams that can win when their ace is 1-7, as is Justin Verlander.

Okay. The Tigers have the second-worst record in baseball, behind only the Padres, yet eight teams are worse than the Tigers? Including the Royals?

Again. I don't get it. Sometimes Phil uses recent performance as a gauge. Sometimes a gut instinct. Sometimes a dart board.

Why are these power rankings that every freakin' sports website does relevant again?

23. Pirates (26): Raise your hand if you saw Nate McLouth coming … didn’t think so. He’s already registered 28 extra-base hits, matching Dan Uggla for the second most in the majors, behind Lance Berkman.

I raise my hand. And so do a buttload of fantasy baseball drafters. McLouth's average draft position this year was ahead of J. Upton, Votto, Pettitte, Frank Thomas, Blanton, Randy Johnson, Micah Owings (and Mickey Morandini, Joe Carter, Buddy Biancalana), the list goes on.

If this collection of 14 year-olds and mouth-breathers saw something, I'm thinking a few people with a reasoned baseball mind might have as well.

25. Reds (28): Six-game winning streak was well timed to help Dusty Baker feed the fading belief in a disappointing team.

Dusty had Adam Dunn attempt a bunt in the ninth inning two days ago. When is Dusty going to be part of the problem in Phil's mind? That's all I have to say on that.

27. Mariners (25): Richie Sexson = Dave Kingman. Discuss.

Um...what? He was always Dave Kingman. This is new? Compare here and here and discuss.

30. Padres (30): Jake Peavy’s slow elbow and Mark Prior’s continuing shoulder problems are the last thing that San Diego baseball fans need. The Padres haven’t had a starting pitcher work eight innings in a game since Peavy did it in the 22-inning loss to Colorado on April 17. That game started the downward spiral that has dropped San Diego to the bottom of the barrel.

Prior? Prior!!!?

I gots nottin' else. Christo out.

Phil Watch: Sunday Cornucopia Of The Obvious

Gonna be a short one today, as Phil spent the majority of his Sunday words blathering on about Lance Berkman's recent appointment to the position of Baseball Jesus.

All in all, it's not a bad article. Some of the Florida stadium stuff is interesting, if a little stale but it's a readable sojourn from his usual stuff - a brief respite from the reactionary.

Phil's Whispers is another matter. He has his ear to the ground so he can belch forth the obvious couched in the stupid.

Let's get started:

The Cubs' farm system has improved since Tim Wilken was hired as scouting director, but two underproductive decades are evident in there being only five players on the All-Star ballot who started their careers in the organization. Baltimore and San Francisco (three each) are the only teams with fewer representatives among the 230 players on the ballot. Oakland and Washington/Montreal lead the way with 13. The White Sox have 10, which is tied for the fourth most. …

Oh, come on! Check out some of these names that made the ballot. Tell me this matters. Please. I want you to put that in the books.

I thought I'd only have to say this once but let's reiterate for shits and giggles. World Series Championships are ALL that matters. Not some cutesy 'we won with our own players' crap. Half the reason a team develops a farm system is to have the option to trade said farm system for better talent that fits the club's needs.

For a brief example, the three best players for the White Sox this year have been Quentin, Floyd and Danks. Where would they be without them? All three were acquired in the last year for players doing marginally nothing for their respective clubs at any level. If the Sox go on to have a great season, does it mean less because the Sox didn't draft them? In case you were wondering, the answer is no.

And All-Star appearances mean zero, zilch, nada w/r/t a player's worth. It's a popularity contest heavily influenced by mouth-breathing fans who vote on how cute a player is or how awesome their name sounds let alone just being on the ballot. That means about as much as getting a blue ribbon that says 'Participant' on it. C'mon. Garciaparra (31 at-bats) is on the ballot.

The Mariners apparently are serious about wanting to bring back Ken Griffey Jr. They have had Duane Shaffer scouting him recently.

$20 says Phil works in Jay Bruce and Adam Dunn into the conversation.

...It's clear Jay Bruce is ready to replace Griffey or Adam Dunn for the Reds. …

There it is.

First, we readers of Phil are going to be subjected to incessant Dusty Baker Reds updates all year. I've resigned myself to that fact.

Second, the minute Dunn and/or Griffey are traded, the Reds have officially written off the season. Deadline deal at best, meaning they won't get much back. If earlier, value is diminished due to contractual obligation and unsignability, meaning they won't get much back.

Third, from FireJoeMorgan.com, Dusty Baker had Dunn attempt two bunts last night in the ninth inning of a game they were losing. Now that's some managing.

Fourth, saying Dunn should be traded over and over again won't make it come true. He won't command a salary bigger than he has right now. The Reds will have to fill that position in the batting order in the offseason, probably at a higher market value than Dunn from this weak-ass free agent market next year.

The only player worth considering given the Reds needs is Pat Burrell and he's a career Adam Dunn clone.

I just don't understand the logic here.

While Carlos Quentin tears it up for the White Sox, Arizona's Eric Byrnes entered the weekend in a 6-for-62 slump that had dropped his average to .214. The Diamondbacks traded Quentin to the White Sox for minor-league first baseman Chris Carter because its outfield was set with Byrnes, Chris Young and Justin Upton.

I don't exactly know the implication here. Is he saying the D'backs should have kept Quentin and not signed Byrnes? Because of 62 at-bats?

If he is, then it's stupid.

If he isn't then why in the fuck write that?

BTW, Chris Carter is well on his way to becoming a journeyman minor leaguer - a lot of power, hits for a low average, doesn't walk much while compiling these attributes at Single-A ball or below. Seems like a steal to me.

On that front, Nick Swisher, not exactly ripping it up lately, was traded for Gio Gonzalez, Fautino De Los Santos and Ryan Sweeney. Phil cried foul from the highest of all high mountaintops.

An update:

Gio Gonzalez: 0-2, 4.85 ERA, 1.67 WHIP, 9.92 H/9. Compare every peripheral to last year. Ugh.

Fautino De Los Santos: 2-2, 5.87 ERA, 1.74 WHIP, 11.35 H/9...in Single-A ball.

Ryan Sweeney: Having himself a nice little season. Still 4th outfielder at best. Not an everyday player.

Given Swisher's career averages, versatility, age and wildly reasonable contract obligation, seems like a steal to me again so far.

Just some thoughts.

Phil Watch: Damning With Faint Praise

Figured I'd pound this one out before tomorrow's inevitable Pirates preview.

After being banished to Sunday, it appears Phil begged for and got a mid-week column comprising of belching out statistics from MLB.com on the Cubs weekend opponent, tossing in a few comparables from this point last year and adding a dash of catcher efficiency and/or one-run game records.

In other words, it's that 'putting him in a box' I was talking about, giving him something even Phil's laziness can't mess up.

This week's offering says Kerry Wood is better than Jason Isinghausen and Eric Gagne, because the world revolves around the Cubs and their immediate competition. Everybody else just plays for fun.

Let's get started.

Kerry Wood never has been a more effective pitcher than he has been in 2008, at least when he is measured by most standards.

This is my new favorite Phil qualifier: When Measured By Most Standards, taking over for Entering The Weekend.

It's just so elusive. Say you have ten standards to judge whether you should marry someone.

And say 'most' are met, like she has all four limbs, she's not bulimic, she enjoys breathing.

But a 'few' aren't met, like she has a fecal fetish, she's bi-polar, she loves My Boys.

Well, you're not going to marry that person, are you? 'Most' doesn't necessarily make a bride.

Let's see where Phil is going with this.

He entered the weekend series against Arizona having made 16 appearances. He had allowed 11 hits and three walks in 17 innings. The opponents' batting average against him was .183, the best of his career, with a .258 on-base percentage, again the best of his career. He had 5.3 strikeouts for every walk, again his best mark. He has thrown only 13.4 pitches per inning, by far the most efficient pitching of his career.

Entering the weekend? Two Philisms in the first 25 words! Holy Cow!

These are nice statistics to offer a loyal Phil reader, although most loyal Phil readers who comment on his columns are misanthropic douche-bags like myself who get their rocks off picking apart the guy's strange meanderings into the stupid.

And I think this column is an attempt to quash the flames coming from some Cub fans to remove Wood from the closer's role and give it to Marmol, which is just more stupid stupidness given the huge gap that opens up in the setup role and Marmol's inexperience.

But a few problems here.

1.) Embarrassingly small sample size.

2.) Wood's whole career was as a starter. Give me the ten best starters in the history of the game and the ten best closers in the history of the game. Compare their numbers. Of course the relievers numbers are going to be better when 'measured by most standards'.

Closers, especially in the last twenty years, usually come into the game in an advantageous situation (i.e., one to three run lead). They also only have to face the heart of the lineup about a third of the time (and only one time through in the rare case) or they face a bevy of pinch hitters who have been sitting on their ass the whole game. None of the hitters have seem their stuff that day to calculate pitch sequence, velocity, location of said closer and the losing team in usually playing catch-up because, well, they're losing. It's a relatively good gig for Wood. He has many advantages at the outset.

And Friday, all he did was throw a perfect ninth inning with a strikeout and two groundouts on nine pitches, all strikes.

Well shit, give him the Rolaids Relief Award.

He struck out Chris Young and induced groundouts from Jackson and Upton on May 9 of this year. That backs up everything. It's just so 'of the moment'. More J-School 101.

Yet Wood's move into the closer's role means a closer inspection. His performance, for many, has been defined by the three times in nine chances that he could not convert a save situation—failures against Milwaukee, Colorado and Pittsburgh.

But...but...but.

A 66% success rate in the closer's role is something to look at. Again, embarrassingly small sample size and his peripherals aren't bad. But he's already plunked four batters this year and when he's missed the strike zone, he's missed bad a few times.

I don't in any stretch of the imagination think Wood should be replaced but if I were a Cub fan, I'd be feelin' some Thigy vibes in some respects.

Where's he going with this?

Luckily for the Cubs, they aren't the only teams in the National League Central who have had trouble nailing down leads. In fact, Wood is an All-Star compared with the 2008 versions of Jason Isringhausen, Eric Gagne and Jose Valverde, the ninth-inning specialists in St. Louis, Milwaukee and Houston, respectively.

Talk about damning with faint praise.

And he just said the Cubs have had trouble nailing down leads yet Wood is Good? To make a case - any case - you don't use the reeking, rotting flesh of the league as comparables even if they happen to play in the same division.

In that case, Juan Uribe is an All-Star because Asdrubal Cabrera has been worse at hitting baseballs, if only slightly.

Isringhausen's hometown is Brighton, Ill., just across the Mississippi River from St. Louis. That has made his success with the Cardinals sweeter than it might have been elsewhere, but it also has personalized the failures.

"My wife and I were talking about that the other night," Isringhausen told the St. Louis Post-Dispatch. "When I was in Oakland and I did bad, it wasn't near as hard. It's not near as hard as it is when these people are your neighbors and you see them at school the next day or out when you go to dinner. Every once in a while, Dad will say, 'Don't make me look bad at the coffee shop.' "

Now that's a nice dad. Thanks for the encouragement.

Gagne hasn't needed any ties to Milwaukee to make this a trying season. The burdens he carries are a $10 million contract, mentions in the Mitchell report and a standard set by predecessor Francisco Cordero, who left the Brewers as a free agent after going 44-for-51 in save situations.

Call me crazy, but I think Milwaukee's concerns may have been legitimate when considering signing Cordero to the biggest contract in terms of dollars for a closer in the history of the game. Last year, he had a 4.57 ERA after a ridiculously unsustainable April and May with a 6.55 ERA away from Miller Park overall last year.

IDK. Give a 33 year-old closer this kind of change? Let's see how the Reds feel in 2011 when Cordero's 36 and collecting $12 million.

The Yankees pulled the plug on Ian Kennedy after he couldn't get through the fifth inning against Detroit on May 1, his fifth consecutive start without a victory. General manager Brian Cashman might have felt like pulling out some of the few remaining hairs on his head Tuesday night when Kennedy turned into a young Greg Maddux in his first start for Triple-A Scranton.

Now we're comparing Triple-A hitters to Major League hitters.

This is what is called regressing and is generally considered not to be a good thing.

"I'm trying to say it humbly, but it doesn't matter what I say, it's going to come out cocky," Kennedy told the Scranton Times-Tribune. "You just know. I woke up today and told my wife, 'I just have a feeling I'm going to make these guys look stupid.' … I felt like I was getting better and better every time [with the Yankees]. It just led up to this. It was inevitable for me to do well. It was just a matter of time."

I remember pitching well against Mater Dei in high school after getting my ass handed to me against Dyersville Beckman. I was not a good pitcher. It was high school. Even I kept it in perspective. It was Mater Dei. Striking out seven eight-graders paled in comparison to giving up prodigious shots to a couple of guys who went on to play in the minors.

It just didn't mean that much.

It's called context.

Phil Watch: More Power Rankings For Morons

I have to give Phil credit. This week's power rankings are only the second-dumbest power rankings on these internets this week. ESPN take the honor for the dumbest of the dumb for saying the A's are the best team in baseball on Friday.

Let's get started:

2. Diamondbacks (1): Since the 9-2 start, Arizona is under .500 when Brandon Webb is not starting. Nothing seems to bother Webb, but ongoing contract negotiations have a chance to unsettle him.

Okay. Here's the thing. Say I play golf against Tiger Woods and lose. And then say my four year-old nephew plays against a rotting corpse and wins. Does that mean my four year-old nephew is better than me at golf (for the record, I'm not that good at golf)? Of course it doesn't.

Entering the weekend (hey, I used a Philism), The D'backs played 21 games at home and 14 on the road and from April 4- 27, they exclusively played the NL West, a division that stinks like the rotting corpse that my four year-old nephew hypothetically beat. With that, they compiled a 23-12 record, good for the best record in baseball entering the weekend.

Nothing wrong with Phil putting them here...yet. But would somebody start talking about this?

And look at these individual offensive performances over the last 15 days.

Their pitching is good. Once Max Scherzer learns how to pitch as opposed to trying to overwhelm everyone, it's a more than solid staff.

But this offense swings and, you know, misses a lot. Let's see how that plays after they beat up on the NL West and reach the playoffs. A lot to like but some concerns here. Far from the type of team that Phil declared 'it's over' w/r/t the division race and should win the division by Memorial Day.

3. Cubs (3): Ted Lilly and Ryan Dempster came up big in the playoff rematch against Arizona. But Lou Piniella’s constant tinkering with his rotation has not been a good thing. It’s too long of a season to keep sending Carlos Zambrano out every five days, regardless. The Cubs would be better off picking five starters and going with them in order, even if it means not stroking Big Z’s ego.

Gosh darn it! It wasn't a gosh darn playoff rematch! Be more of a meatball Cub fan!

A playoff rematch would take place in the appropriately-named playoffs!

Knock. This. Shit. Off!

4. Cardinals (4): Jason Isringhausen’s disintegration has slowed the momentum that Tony La Russa’s team was building. It’s rare to see a veteran lose his confidence like Isringhausen has, but La Russa and Dave Duncan are reasonable bets to help him salvage the season, which could be his last in St. Louis.

Wait a minute. According to Phil, Isringhausan was off to a solid start, anchoring the bullpen, as late as May 1. Now he's a bum in Phil's world? He was chockablock with terrible terribleness well before that so, kinda late to the party, don't ya think?

5. Athletics (5): The secondary numbers still impress, but Oakland has won only one of its last four series, a dangerous trend. The A’s need a lift when Rich Harden returns.

Much more on this later. It involves the amount of innings the entire pitching staff has logged in their entire major and minor careers and how that factors into the equation in late July. As an Angels fan, no worries...in the least.

6. Mets (6): Willie Randolph’s team has gone 6-2 in Johan Santana’s starts, but the former Twin is not dominating the way many figured he would. He has allowed at least one hit per inning in three of his last four starts, including 10 hits in six innings vs. Cincinnati on Saturday. Historically he has been better in the second half than the first.

This is absolutely true. Good point Phil. Fantasy nerds know this. But the patchwork offense may be a more salient point.

7. Braves (8): Atlanta picked up its first one-run win on Thursday, finishing off a sweep against San Diego with a 5-4 win. But naturally the Braves lost a one-run game the next night at Pittsburgh, falling to 1-10 in one-run games.

More 'record in one-run games' bullshit. Please tell me why I think this Braves team finishes better than six games over .500 like last year? I want to know. Chipper Jones is not going to hit .410. I want definitive answers. This is a mediocre bullpen, a slightly above-average starting staff and an offense fair to middling when it all shakes out. They're this year's Blue Jays. A team that everyone irrational jumps on as a surprise pick to watch. In other words, they're the Mariners of this year plus one month of actual games.

8. Angels (7): Few teams would have played as well without their ace, and John Lackey is due back on the mound Wednesday. This is a deep, deep pitching staff.

If Joe Saunders and Ervin Santana pitched to their career averages this year, the Angels are the biggest disappointment in baseball right now. Two pitchers DO NOT make a 'deep, deep pitching staff'.

9. Marlins (18): The numbers had shown these guys were winning with mirrors, but they kept winning, including an impressive sweep of Milwaukee last week. The starting rotation has picked up the pace, with recent wins by Andrew Miller and Ricky Nolasco providing help behind Scott Olsen and Mark Hendrickson.

Impressive sweep? Phil ranks Milwaukee as the 21st best team in baseball. That's bad. What makes it impressive...and it was in Florida?

11. White Sox (11): After regaining steam against Minnesota and Seattle, they will be tested by the Angels. They swung the bats better last week but will need to be sharp in a four-game series against Rick Adenhart, Jered Weaver, John Lackey and Jon Garland.

It's Nick, not Rick, Phil and he's not that great. It wouldn't be a big deal but Nick Adenhart has been the best pitching prospect in the Angels' system for a few years now and Phil writes for Baseball America. Kinda pertinent. And don't fuck with Jered Weaver. Pitchers 2-5 with 5.59 ERAs and 1.48 WHIPs are ninjas (well, for the Sox they might be).

14. Dodgers (9): Back-to-back losses by Brad Penny and Derek Lowe ended a run in which Los Angeles had gone 10-1 and begun to put some heat on Arizona.

Wait a freakin' moment! I thought it was over. What is this heat you speak of?

17. Twins (14): Minnesota’s standing atop the AL Central has been amazing given that its hitters haven’t produced a single multihomer game.

Interesting stat. I didn't know that. I'm sure it was in the game recap on MLB.com.

18. Blue Jays (13): With Vernon Wells on the disabled list, Toronto could use Reed Johnson, whom GM J.P. Ricciardi released. Ditto Frank Thomas, who was also released by Ricciardi. He looks a little desperate picking up Kevin Mench from Texas’ Triple-A team and plugging him right into the lineup.

Here we go. Which do they miss? Reed Johnson's .128 average in the last 14 days or Frank Thomas' 10 RBI, half of which come when the game was decided. How do I know? I WATCHED THE GAMES!

19. Tigers (17): Could Jacque Jones wind up in Minnesota or Toronto after being canned by Detroit? This might have been an impulsive move by management as there’s no way Gary Sheffield can last long playing left field at Comerica Park.

WTF!!!??? Phil has some weird relationship with Jacque Jones. I won't get into details.

Jones was designated last Monday and nobody - not even the Padres - has made a move, even with the Tigers paying his salary. He can be signed for a prorated league minimum and still no takers. Put this on the Phil list of 'impulsive GM moves' along with Frank Thomas, Reed Johnson, Jeremy Affeldt and Scott Rolen. Ask yourself. Would you sign them given the obligations?

21. Brewers (20): Yovani Gallardo’s season-ending knee injury looks like a crippler for an already thin pitching staff. Outside of Corey Hart, the much ballyhooed lineup hasn’t produced as expected either.

Corey Hart? Sure, he's hitting .299 but he's down in every category compared to last year. I know. He's on three of my fantasy teams.

He's on pace to hit .299 with 4 homers and 64 RBI with 16 SBs. In other words, about what Jacque Jones offered the Cubs last year in terms of production.

22. Rockies (25): Ubaldo Jimenez is winless in his last six starts. Talk of reacquiring Josh Fogg from Cincinnati didn’t pan out.

Ancillary Dusty Baker Reds team mention.

24. Nationals (24): Tim Redding couldn’t get a look when he passed through the White Sox organization in 2006, but he’s developed into the Nationals’ ace. Yikes.

OOOOOHHHH!!!! We're comin' back to this bullshit two months from now. How dare Kenny take a pass on...Tim Redding? Tim Redding of the prodigious 28-43 career record and 4.83 ERA and 1.50 WHIP. How dare he?

26. Pirates (29): Where would they be if closer Matt Capps wasn’t quietly having a good season?

Probably in the same position they are now with Nady and McLouth hitting out of their gourd.

28. Reds (30): Isn’t there an American League team interested in Adam Dunn?

I give Phil props. He's bound and determined to make sure this crap happens.

30. Padres (23): It was nice to see Greg Maddux get his 350th win out of the way before he shows up at Wrigley Field. He’s been pitching solidly, which makes you wonder if he’ll finish the season with San Diego. One team he could help is Milwaukee, where his brother, Mike, is the pitching coach.

Stop it. Stop it. Stop it! The world doesn't revolve around everything that happens on Clark and Addison. Shit like this is called pandering by rational human beings. Or the type of crap old people say...like Ron Santo. Oh, shit! We have a connection. Phil's Santo minus ten years.

I get it now.

Phil Watch: Finishing Up And PRFM

As always, when reading Phil, I really just want to read something I didn't read five days ago.

It's what any fan of baseball would like from the their city's national baseball columnist instead of reading a local version of Larry King's musings. Wait a minute. I think we have something here.

What if Phil began to pepper his columns with wildly idiotic movie reviews in between telling us the Tigers' rotation could be 'a lot of fun' and Dusty Baker is going to turn around the Reds.

But that's just a Christo fantasy land populated with sprites, fairies and unicorns.

Let's get back to reality with Phil's Whispers Around The League.

The A's can't believe how well Frank Thomas is running since he joined them last month. He recently delivered his first triple since 2002. "I played with the guy in '06 and I don't think I've seen him beat out a ball, much less go home to third," A's pitcher Chad Gaudin told CBS Sportsline.

I saw this 'triple' live. It was a Carney Lansford-like milker dink down the right field line that Vladimir Guerrero - who seems to have left his knees in the dugout back in 2006 - tried to make a play on it and, you know, didn't. You can see it for yourself here.

Any Major League player who couldn't have made it to third on that play shouldn't really be playing baseball. And Frank Thomas is running so well that he was lifted for a pinch runner in the seventh, his team up 6-2, when he was a homerun away from the cycle.

Probably a wise move with the opportunity to put the Angels away - which they did in prodigious fashion - but 'running so well' is entirely relative to Thomas' previous three seasons where it looked like he was carrying two Bengie Molinas and a Ron Karkovice on his back whenever he ran. In other words, he's not especially fast.

Like the 2007 Cubs, the Braves have started poorly because they haven't been winning close games. And the shaky shoulder of John Smoltz won't make it any easier to recover from a 13-15 start that included an 0-9 mark in one-run games.

Phil's been pushing this line w/r/t the Braves for a few weeks now. In fact, it's really the only thing he says about the Braves aside from the fact that Chipper Jones is good at hitting baseballs.

The Braves are 0-9 in one-run games. They're not going to go 0 for, say, 50. Granted.

But to excel at winning one-run games, any team needs a good bullpen. The Braves don't have a particularly good bullpen.

Rafael Soriano - bad elbow.

Peter Moylan - bad elbow.

John Smoltz - bad shoulder. Will be closer when he comes back.

Will Ohman - He's Will Ohman. Peripherals say that ERA is an illusion.

Jorge Campillo - Unspectacular track record. Will return to Earth.

Manny Acosta - More walks than strikeouts. Failed miserably when handed the closer role.

I don't exactly know how Phil thinks they will be markedly better in this area.

Arizona's Max Scherzer, who retired all 13 hitters he faced Tuesday in his big-league debut, had 38 strikeouts in 23 innings in his four starts for Triple-A Tucson. The University of Missouri product had worked only 114 career innings in the minors. He's moving into the rotation Monday, replacing No. 5 man Edgar Gonzalez.

I saw his first appearance, mainly because the Angels were getting their ass handed to them late in the aforementioned Frank Thomas 'triple' game. He's good. Ridiculously good. Small sample size but watching him pitch left me a bit agape, and not in the Kiekegaard sort of way.

Scherzer pitches with a confidence not seen in a long time. He makes his first start against the Phillies tonight. Watch it if you can.

And he's the spitting image of a young Curt Schilling, his look, the way he holds his glove, his delivery, everything.

Which means Phil will probably hate him.

Bartolo Colon, who is about to resume his minor-league assignment with Boston, has an out clause in his contract that should attract scouts from other organizations, including the Yankees. That could be interesting.

Or not.

And then there's Phil's Power Rankings.

3. Cubs (3): Yes, they’ve been spinning their wheels lately. But they’ve still scored seven-plus runs 11 times in their last 18 games, giving them the most prolific lineup in the majors. With no saves since April 18, Kerry Wood has become a problem but will either straighten himself out or become a setup man for Carlos Marmol, who is a closer in waiting.

3-7 in the last ten games. Holds steady at #3. What a Cub fan.

5. Athletics (5): Ignore the 2-5 record. Joe Blanton has been a rock for the young starting rotation.

Joe Blanton is the definition of a slightly above-average pitcher. A number three on a respectable team. And someone that some dopey team like the the Dusty Baker Reds will pursue vigorously and wildly overpay because he throws 200 innings and hasn't been hurt. He's a poor man's Buehrle.

TTO hero Jack Cust went 10-20 (.500) for the week with 3 hrs. More relevant.

3-4 for the week, BTW. They are not better than the Angels (#7 in Phil's world). Yeah. I'm an Angels fan. Wanna fight about it?

7. Angels (11): Mike Scioscia’s team has found its groove after a 6-6 start. It has done it without John Lackey and Kelvim Escobar, which is scary.

Only thing he says about the Angels. Still no mention of Erick Aybar.

9. Dodgers (20): Rafael Furcal ranks behind only Chipper Jones in batting average. Through Saturday, 11 of the majors’ top 12 batting averages were by hitters with NL teams. Does this represent an end to the American League’s dominance of the last decade or is it a sign that the AL now has the best pitchers too?

WHHHHHAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTT??????!!!!!!

Because NL hitters are beating up on crappy NL pitching through the first 30 games of 2008, that possibly means that somehow the NL could now be a better league than the AL?

Phil. This is not a sign of either question you posited. By its very structure, each league's hitting (and conversely, each league's pitching) is directly relative to that respective league. The AL is head-and-shoulders above the NL in every freakin' facet of the game. I can't believe I even had to write that.

Why even ask the question? It's dippy, even as a whimsical joke.

10. Rays (8): With a chance to cement their newfound credibility, the Rays took their lumps at Fenway Park over the weekend.

Tampa Bay Rays. Go home. You lost three games at Boston. Ppppffff! You are no longer credible. All that crap I stole from the NY Times and said about you is no longer relevant. You will lose 90 games now.

Go away.

13. Blue Jays (19): Before winning a weekend series against the White Sox, Toronto hadn’t won a series since sweeping Texas April 11-13. Manager John Gibbons isn’t getting the most out of his team, which is 2-8 in one-run games.

We know Phil doesn't like the Blue Jays anymore because they released the next Lou Brock in Frank Thomas. But they jump 6 spots by sweeping a slumping White Sox team at home.

Never mind that the whole starting staff seems to have found their legs over the last 15 days.

Halladay: 1-0, 2.63 ERA

McGowan: Beat Boston at Fenway, 3.57 overall ERA.

Marcum: 1-0, 2.97 ERA

Burnett: 2-0, 2.70 ERA

Litsch: 2-0, looked like Sandy Koufax against the White Sox.

One-run game record is this week's catching efficiency for Phil. I think he's just fascinated by the customizable standings page at MLB.com.

14. Twins (25): Don’t expect Francisco Liriano to return quickly from the minors. He’s given up 10 hits and walked eight in 81/3 innings in his two starts in Triple A.

The Twins jump 11 spots because Liriano sucked in his two Triple-A starts.

16. Indians (12): Victor Martinez leads the AL in hitting but would rank sixth in the NL.

I got nothin' else to say on that.

17. Tigers (14): When Detroit scores four runs or fewer, it is 0-15. Good lineups don’t carry bad pitching staffs. The Tigers’ starters are 27th in the majors with a 5.39 ERA; their relievers are 21st with a 4.32 ERA.

HE SAID IT!!! HE SAID IT!!! HE SAID IT!!!!

Good lineups don't carry bad pitching staffs! $20 says he will heretofore never heed this maxim again.

19. Orioles (17): The Erik Bedard trade looks like a steal for Andy MacPhail and the Baltimore front office.

Adam Jones' .239 avg. and .282 OBP hasn't drawn any comparisons to Willie Mays and George Sherill's 5.00 ERA hasn't confused him with Dennis Eckersley yet, but I get the point...I guess.

29. Pirates (31): Somebody is going to make them a good offer for Damaso Marte before the trade deadline.

Maybe an offer, not a good one. Something along the lines of Ken Phelps being traded for 12 boxes of baseballs.

30. Reds (26): Dusty Baker might have found himself with a bigger challenge than he expected. A 6-15 slide badly dented the chances for Baker to write an overnight success story in Cincinnati, as he previously had in Chicago and San Francisco.

Compare the team rosters of both the Giants and the Cubs the year before and the year following the hiring of Dusty Baker.

A rotting corpse could have managed those teams to 81 wins.

Can everyone stop perpetuating this 'Dusty Baker is a genius' crap?

And he's weird. Just Weird.