Phil Watch: More Words, Still Stupid

For the last 18 days or so, Phil's been a busy little bee.

He's had a column/article a day every day since September 11.

It's been the usual amalgam of game recaps straining for big picture analysis coupled with dumb-ass opinions like "Cabrera Worth Keeping Around" and "Despite Off-Night, Alexei Rookie Of The Year Frontrunner".

And my personal favorite would be Phil passing off the declaration of Arizona as the NL West winner on MAY 1 (!) onto the Tribune instead of himself.

Sorry, Phil. You can erase your columns in the Tribune archive but BRE diligently keeps all of theirs. You said it. Not in your dippy power rankings that supposedly come from a roundtable discussion but your column.

But that's the reason Phil Watch has died a slow death here at BRE. Phil wore me down. There's nothing fun about beating up on an unmitigated moron. You need some level of sanity interjected with stupidity to keep it spicy.

100% dumb = 100% boredom.

And I've said it before and I'll say it again. Who reads Phil the first time...and comes back for MORE?

With that, let's go back for more.

Phil's Ranking Of Playoff Teams:

Editor's note: These picks are the result of statistical analysis weighted toward pitching and defense and performance since the All-Star break. The Tribune used this formula after the regular season in 2007 and correctly picked Boston over Colorado in the World Series and six of the seven postseason series. That analysis gives us Cubs over Boston in the 2008 World Series.

Thanks for the actual formula. Oh...wait. There is no actual formula. Just some vague reference to 'pitching and defense and performance' (yet another clue that Phil's editor gave up years ago).

1. Cubs (3): Picked to go to the World Series by many during spring training, the Lou Crew handled the heat during the regular season, but it's about to get turned up several degrees. It's a veteran team with quality leaders in Derrek Lee, Mark DeRosa, Ryan Dempster and Kerry Wood, but there's no getting around the burden it carries with fans. This is a much better team than the one that got within five outs of the World Series in 2003, but Carlos Zambrano has become a question mark and the lineup remains built around guys who were shut down by Arizona in the 2007 playoffs.

Using Phil's own 'statistical analysis and tying that to players actually mentioned, let's see the results.

Kerry Wood: 3.92 ERA after the All-Star break (good for 18th among closers). 7.45 ERA in September.

Derrek Lee: .270 5 hr 34 rbi. OPSed .745 since the break, good for 3rd-to-last among first basemen with 200 abs, ahead of only Kotchman and Millar.

Mark DeRosa: Has a calf issue, hit .234 in September and his first half was nearly identical to his second half. Basically had two productive months (with August accounting for nearly one-third of his overall production).

Carlos Zambrano: Take out the no-hitter from his September starts and he has a 12.71 ERA with a 2.12 WHIP.

The team was 12-12 in September and a merger 4 games over .500 on the road for the year. There ARE issues here.

I know Cub fans don't like trends and statistics and...you know...analysis outside of "The Cubs are goin' all the way, baby!!!! WOOOO!!!!" but can they just be like real baseball fans and look at their team through sober goggles. Just once. It would be soooo refreshing.

2. Red Sox (4): The closest thing to a dynasty at this time, Boston has won two of the last four World Series and is a serious contender again. Jason Bay came up huge after being acquired in the Manny Ramirez trade, which veteran players welcomed. The Red Sox's pitching is set with a rested Josh Beckett, Jon Lester and Daisuke Matsuzaka. Mike Lowell's hip bears watching.

Okay. Boston's played well since the Manny trade. True. But they basically had a generous schedule, allowing them to a crapload of teams under .500 and they beat them, especially in August.

Lowell's hurt. Drew's hurt. Youkilis and Pedroia cooled off dramatically in September and Ortiz still isn't his usual self.

And it was reported 48 hours ago that Beckett's start has been pushed back to Game 3 because of an injured side. Just check the wires once, Phil.

Oh yeah, and their bullpen has been anything but stellar this year.

This aren't concerns?

3. Rays (1): You need a microscope to find the separation between Tampa Bay and Boston, who could meet in the American League Championship Series. The Rays are a good bet to get past the AL Central survivor in the first round. The strength of this team is its ability to stop opponents from scoring, but none of the starters goes into the playoffs on a roll.

No complaints. About right. Though they will be riding into the playoffs without a real closer.

4. Dodgers (7): You know Joe Torre loves taking this team to the playoffs when the Yankees couldn't get there behind Joe Girardi, his replacement. Some say the key to the Dodgers' turnaround was the trade for Casey Blake, not the more widely celebrated deal for Ramirez. Either way, the lineup was successfully rebuilt on the fly. Derek Lowe and Chad Billingsley are a solid 1-2 combination.

Who is 'some'? He's hit .251/.313/.460 for the Dodgers.

Let's project Blake's Dodger numbers out to a full season (about 530 abs):

.251/.313/.460 25 hrs, 57 rbi, 30 db, 40 bb, 130 k

Guess how that's astonishingly close to being? Nick Swisher. 2008 Nick Swisher. Blake's ever-so-slightly better, statistically. He had some big hits in August, but a grand total of six RBI in September.

It's cute but entirely wrong to think Blake had a better impact than Manny. So-So-So Wrong.

Let's project Manny's numbers with the Dodgers out to an entire season (about 560 abs):

.396/.489/.743 51 hrs, 159 rbi, 42 db, 105 bb, 114 k

That's an OPS of 1.232! And an OPS+ of 213! Mickey Mantle OPS+ed higher than that exactly once. Willie Mays never did. Babe Ruth had a career OPS+ of 207.

You make the call. Who's meant more to the Dodger turnaround?

Dope.

5. Phillies (6): Charlie Manuel's bullpen, anchored by Brad Lidge (41-for-41 in save situations), is the envy of just about every team still playing. First baseman Ryan Howard is a serious MVP candidate after a 48-homer, 146-RBI season, albeit with 199 strikeouts. The Phils have a legitimate four-man rotation.

No complaints, really. I think Howard deserves serious consideration as well. He hit .352 in September when they needed him to and .320 with RISP on the year.

I don't know who this 'legitimate four-man rotation' is that Phil speaks of, though.

Hamels = Good

Moyer = Pitched kind of out of his gourd this year

Blanton = Pretty terrible

Myers = One good six-week stretch and absolutely terrible otherwise.

Legitimate?

6. Brewers (15): General manager Doug Melvin made some dubious history by sacking manager Ned Yost on Sept. 15. The move did arrest a slide in which Milwaukee had lost seven of eight games, but no one's bragging about a 6-14 record in non-CC Sabathia starts down the stretch. A shaky bullpen is sometimes exposed by poor fielding.

No. A shaky bullpen is exposed by their inherent shakiness. They're terrible.

Now. Someone explain to me how the Brewers are a better team than....THE ANGELS!

7. Angels (2): They led the majors in victories but aren't close to being the best team. Like the Cubs, their key is their organizational depth, especially in starting pitching (Jon Garland and Jered Weaver, who combined for 25 wins, work out of the bullpen in the Boston series). The lineup improved dramatically in the second half, thanks in part to Mark Teixeira, but teams with middle-infield questions usually don't go a long way in October.

100-62, folks. And in Phil's world, they're no better than the two shittiest teams on this list.

And here's the best part. See that number in parenthesis up there next to the team name. That's what they were rated LAST WEEK!

So using 'statistical analysis based on pitching and defense and performance' since the break, Phil says, as of last week, the Angels were good. They had the unmitigated gall to go 4-3 for the week, playing their Salt Lake team for the most part, and that drops them to the 7th best playoff team!

They've scored the second-most runs among playoff teams since the break, had the second-best OPS as a team among playoff teams since the break, have a clearer pecking order in the bullpen than any playoff team right now and went 17-8 to finish the season.

What's the problem?

Oh, apparently the middle infield is a concern. Howie Kendrick has committed a grand total of 4 errors in 446 chances this year and Erick Aybar, while committing 18 errors, never had a error that really meant anything. How do I know? I WATCHED THE GAMES!

If he would have written about concerns over Lackey's consistency and velocity and the second-half fade of Joe Saunders, fine. Even the crappy second half Figgins had, that would be legitimate.

But there's nothing wrong with Kendrick and Aybar that's going to stop the Angels from advancing in the postseason. Nothing.

And they are NOT a worse team, given the pitching and defense and performance and trends and heart of the lineup and bullpen and managers and bench and everything else than the Brewers, Phillies and Dodgers in the least and probably the Rays. I worry about Boston but they beat them 8 of 9 times this year, finally getting over the Red Sox hump.

JESUS!

I'm under no illusions here. The postseason is a whole new ballgame. And the Angels have their issues but...

DOUBLE JESUS!

8. Twins (12): Minnesota has come this far only by backing up more slowly than the White Sox. The Twins have gone 14-20 since Aug. 23 with a young starting rotation looking very ordinary. Batting champ Joe Mauer and Justin Morneau are leaned on heavily.

I'm still mad about the #7 ranking of the Angels.

9. White Sox (9): Poised on the edge of extinction, it's hard to see Ozzie Guillen's team doing any damage in October. It's a team badly in need of rest, and at this point the only way to get a break is to be eliminated. The White Sox hit more homers than any other team but badly miss MVP candidate Carlos Quentin.

Still mad.

Phil Watch: It's Been Awhile

Last night's 11-3 loss to the Orioles coupled with the Twins' come-from-behind win proves yet again that Kenny Williams and Ozzie Guillen are too arrogant to understand the complexities and importance of every game in August.

Uhhh...wait. Jay doesn't write for a Chicago newspaper anymore.

But unlike Jay, I don't want Phil to go away. He's my muse, a man truly tapped into the mind of dippy Chicago Baseball Fans (an Icky Eight contender in BRE's TOA-AE).

He does the work so I don't have to.

When Mate, Rube and I used to play pickle in Mate's side yard, conversations like this used to happen.

We were eight.

Sox are Cubs' worst nightmare

Nightmare scenario for North Siders is finally getting to World Series and seeing team with nothing to lose

Beware the sneak attack.

I think that's a gay joke and it's entirely uncalled for.

In baseball, more than any other sport, it's unwise to draw attention to yourself. First-round draft picks who come with hype often turn out to be Corey Patterson or Kip Wells. The trades that don't make big headlines, like the White Sox's deal for Carlos Quentin, often turn out to be a lot better than the ones that are analyzed in day-by-day detail for weeks, like the Mets' addition of Johan Santana.

Boy, it HAS been awhile. Christo forgets.

Um...yeah. Phil himself gave Johan Santana a reach-around by comparing him to Sandy Koufax and Bob Gibson a mere eight months ago and thought giving up Chris Carter was another bad move by Kenny because - drum-roll - giving up prospects is bad.

So...you know...hype and big headlines...Phil means his own oeuvre.

Just ask those New York Yankees. They have won exactly one of their last six playoff series—being "upset" by Florida (2003), Boston ('04), the Angels ('05), Detroit ('06) and Cleveland ('07)—and find themselves awaiting regular-season extinction this time around. Headlines, sadly, are like Alex Rodriguez. They can't hit in the clutch.

I'm already tired. I have the demented melancholy of a Tennessee Williams heroine.

Alex Rodriguez has a lifetime .303 average with RISP. He's hit...oh, hell, just go here.

It seems Jay may be going to Boston. Maybe Phil wants to go to New York? He'd fit right in with the 'JETER RULES!' crowd.

This brings me to the newest nightmare scenario for the Cubs: A date with the White Sox in the World Series.

[Flashback to 1980] "Rube, you're a pud. No way the Brewers'll play the White Sox in the playoffs."

"Yeah they will. Shut up. Ben Oglivie and Moose Haas are awesome!"

"The White Sox are going to win the World Series. Burns and Dotson are more awesome."

"What if the Cubs played the White Sox in the World Series?"

"Shut up, Christo. The Cubs suck."

"Let's go to Casey's and get Suzy-Qs."

There's little doubt the Lou Crew is not only the best team in Chicago but the best in the majors. No lineup is as deep as the one that goes from Alfonso Soriano through Jim Edmonds and Reed Johnson. No rotation is as talented and as durable as the one that begins with Carlos Zambrano and runs through Jason Marquis. No bullpen has more impact arms than the one with Kerry Wood, Carlos Marmol and Jeff Samardzija.

"The Cubs are so awesome, man, they're so awesome, Samardzija rules! Go Cubs, YEAH! WOOOOOOOO!!!!!

But the Cubs won't want any part of the White Sox in October. If this is going to be the year the North Siders scratch their 100-year itch, it won't include a matchup against the Sox in October.

DINGDINGDINGDING!!!! And that's the one ga-jillionth time I've heard about the '100-year itch' in the last month.

Under normal circumstances, I am one of those rare people who believe Chicago's baseball fans should all get along—that it's silly to root against the Cubs just because you're a White Sox fan, or vice versa. But these are hardly normal circumstances, right?

Shouldn't this really be the normal circumstances? Or maybe the circumstances that put mindless platitudes to the test? All Chicago Baseball Fans (IECITBREsTOA-AE) should probably worry about their own damn team ALL THE TIME!

With five weekends left before baseball's postseason passion play begins, it's looking more and more likely that the Cubs and White Sox will both earn spots in the field. It has only been 102 years since that happened.

Umm. The Cubs are in but I'd ask White Sox fans whether it seems 'more and more likely' that the Sox will earn a spot in the playoffs.

The Cubs were expected to make it. The White Sox, leading the American League Central by two games and almost even with Boston on the wild-card landscape, would be surprise guests—the worst kind from the perspective of other teams. A team with almost nothing to lose.

But, but, but, but...Phil just said it's 'more and more likely'! Christo needs a drink.

We're getting ahead of ourselves, sure. But imagine the fear and loathing in Wrigleyville if the Cubs advance to the World Series for the first time since 1945 and have to start the event at U.S. Cellular Field, where Michael Barrett couldn't budge A.J. Pierzynski with a sucker punch, where Jerry Reinsdorf put staffers in tuxedos to deliver World Series rings to Mark Buehrle and the fellows a mere 29 months ago.

"I think Jerry Stenulson is going to hit a thousand home runs in Pony League next year."

Wouldn't it be just like the Cubs to put together arguably their best team ever and have it lose the World Series to a White Sox team that had been picked for third place or worse?

At least he didn't write 'ultimate irony'. I'm trying to find the bright side of things, here.

He also didn't write "Dusty Baker should be managing this team. He deserves it."

See. Good things have come from this.

More to the point, wouldn't it be just like the White Sox once again to outplay their crosstown neighbors with the bigger fan base, superior resources and historic ballpark?

Anybody else love what Obama said about Cub fans yesterday? And Derrek Lee agreeing with it? And the calls to 670 from Cub fans?

'Member that? That was awesome.

While the Cubs have continued to stretch their margin for making the playoffs—a comfortable 10 games when their sweep of Pittsburgh was completed Wednesday—the White Sox have shown strong signs of outlasting Minnesota for their second AL Central title in the last four years.

Wouldn't it be awesome if the Sox could play the Reds and Pirates 18 times a year? And the entire NL West. That would be awesome.

They are pitching well again—compiling a 3.98 staff ERA in August after marks of 4.44 in July and 5.14 in June—in part because lefty Clayton Richard and right-hander Lance Broadway have more than filled Jose Contreras' spot.

Filling in so well that they have a combined 6.81 ERA. I don't think any Sox fan wants to rely on these two right now.

They go to Boston this weekend with a chance to be measured head-to-head with the defending World Series champion Red Sox, who are in what has become a three teams-for-two playoff spots battle with the White Sox and Minnesota. Most analysts favor Chicago's Sox to last into October.

Well, shit. Let's end the season. Analysts favor the Sox. Let's call it by acclamation.

Any team that makes it to October is a threat to win it all.

Thank You, Captain Obvious.

Imagine how Cub fans are going to feel if their supposed once-every-century season ends with them being overshadowed by the White Sox, of all surprise guests.

"Girls are bleeeecccchhhh!"

Phil Watch: Making Up For Milquetoast

Quick stat for Sox fans: Starting Monday, the Twins play 30 of their next 45 games on the road.

On to Phil.

It's been a positively boring Phil Watch world for the last two weeks.

Last week, he told us that the Cubs and the Brewers are good bets for the post-season, which was kind of predicting that the ground gets wet when it rains.

A few days ago, Phil made up imaginary people in his head that were screaming for the Cubs to make a trade at the deadline and told us that these imaginary people were silly.

In short, he couldn't have been more dull if his name was Dull Dullerson.

But he gets up, dusts himself off and jumps back on the horse today.

It's vintage Phil, equivalent to a beautiful 2000 Bourdeaux.

Let's get started.

Ramirez gives the popgun-hitting Dodgers enough punch to overcome Arizona in baseball's lightweight division, the National League West. His departure, coming at a time when David Ortiz isn't himself because of a wrist injury, could leave the Red Sox without the runs they will need to catch Tampa Bay and hold off the New York Yankees in the American League East.

Okaaayyy. The Dodgers offense was indeed bad before acquiring Ramirez and taking him out of the Red Sox lineup of course will have an impact.

Manny's OPSing .936 this year. Jason Bay's OPSing .906, so there's an ever-so-slight dropoff there when talking about purely offensive numbers.

But the team's decision to dump him hardly has anything to do with purely offensive numbers. It had to do with the fact that Manny may be fucking nuts. In the span of two weeks, he told Red Sox ownership to fuck off, accused them of racism, pushed a 64 year-old traveling secretary to the ground for not having tickets for him, decided that running hard was now optional and continued to show that playing bad defense is the stuff of comedy, not part of the job. All that in a period of two weeks.

Would you go into the off-season with his $20 million option hanging over the team, with no hand to play w/r/t trading him and continue to listen to him blather on to the media about how gutless/racist/dishonest ownership is?

All that for two months of Manny's offense in a year when the Red Sox starting pitching is NOT anything stellar and the bullpen's terribly mediocre. This is not the '07 Red Sox. It's a bit of a patchwork going nowhere, really. Time to give the team a reasonable chance this year while keeping a firm eye on building a contender for next year, which they did while jettisoning a cartoon character whose act had grown woefully tiresome.

It's true that the deal gives Ramirez exactly what he and his agent, Boras, wanted. The Red Sox agreed to erase Ramirez's 2009 and '10 options in exchange for him approving the trade. But it's crazy to think Ramirez wouldn't have been productive the next couple of months. He needed to keep his value high in case he did wind up as a free agent.

Again. Production's not really an issue. It's the fact that he wouldn't have shut up. All the shit he said about ownership was absolutely calculated. He forced it by being an over-the-top asshole.

But here's the flawed logic here. Why would Manny lose any money on the free agent market if he didn't produce as a Red Sox in August and September if he's so wonderful? And erasing the option years was a bit of a no-brainer for the Sox. The trade was going to happen in some form so doing it was no loss for the team. It was no longer their problem. It just meant they would get a little less in return as the team getting him loses the option/s.

They got Jason Bay in return, a guy that can approximate Ramirez's numbers and is signed for $7.5M next year, a $12.5M savings over Manny without the assholishness and is seven years younger.

For 16 years, Ramirez has done two things: made his employers scratch their heads and driven in runs like nobody else in his generation. He was hitting .299 with 20 homers and 68 RBIs at the time of the trade, putting him on track for his 10th 100-RBI season in the last 11 years.

And here's where it gets really stupid.

Manny's played on two teams in his career - Boston and Cleveland - that were built as perennial playoff contenders. Sure, in part because of Manny but only in part. Look at the rosters of every team he's played for.

He's a first ballot Hall of Famer. No doubt. But cripes! He better drive in 100 runs a year on those teams.

And since the last two weeks have been all Manny all the time in the media, stupid-ass commentators have found it proper to say that he's the best right-handed hitter of his generation bar none, which is patent bullshit.

Alex Rodriguez is the best player in baseball period. And he played a full two-thirds of his career on wildly mediocre-to-shitass Seattle and Texas teams. Their career numbers are nearly identical even given the protection and lack thereof for each player.

To say 'bar none' is just fucking stupid.

Maybe, but no one should underestimate Ramirez's value as a run producer. No matter how far manager Terry Francona and veterans like Jason Varitek and Mike Lowell go to welcome him to Boston, Bay will feel pressure like he never has.

Who's underestimating Manny's value? More imaginary people in Phil's head?

And I missed the symposium on Jason Bay's fragile psyche. It's not Iraq.

As much as pitching from guys like Josh Beckett and Derek Lowe, it was the 3-4 combination of Ortiz and Ramirez that allowed Boston to end its 86-year World Series drought with two championships in four years. Here are the '04 and '07 postseason numbers from those two:

•Ortiz—28 games, .386, 8 homers, 29 RBIs, 27 walks, 29 runs.

•Ramirez—28 games, .349, 6 homers, 27 RBIs, 25 walks, 19 runs.

Good luck trying to replicate that kind of production with an aging, injured Ortiz and a guy who has spent his previous six seasons playing in Pittsburgh. In Boston, Ramirez was the best kind of problem to have. Now he has become a major problem for the Diamondbacks and 14 other teams in the NL.

He admits Ortiz isn't himself yet makes the case that those numbers will be duplicated should the Red Sox make the playoffs this year. The Red Sox aren't given a two game lead right off the bat in the playoffs this year because they did so well in the last few years.

I know a guy that Phil LOVES and played seven seasons in Pittsburgh...Barry Bonds. What the hell does it matter where Jason Bay played?

I think Phil hasn't really been watching the trade deadline the last three years. This episode with Manny was just the worst case of him being a loopy dipshit. Who wants to deal with that every year? At some point, cut the cord. This year was just the best time because the Red Sox have iffy pitching and a lineup with serious issues when trying to predict performance in the playoffs.

And then he moves to the Ivan Rodriguez trade...

Two questions arose when the Tigers dealt Ivan Rodriguez even up for Kyle Farnsworth: Was this a misprint? And, if not, since when has Detroit GM Dave Dombrowski lost his mind?

Lost his mind? For trading Ivan Rodriguez? A guy who's drawn 65 walks...in the last four years combined? A guy who's OPSed .734, .769, .714 and .759 the last four years?

Why?

While Farnsworth has pitched well lately, there are always long stretches when he's unusable. Rodriguez always has been one of the five best catchers in the game during his 18 big-league seasons, including this year.

Okay. Farnsworth's nothing special but he's having a good year and had a really good year in Detroit in 2005 before being traded to Atlanta. With middle relievers, you try to catch a one-year wave of goodness. Farnsworth's been that this year.

But just because Ivan Rodriguez was good eight years ago doesn't mean he's still superlatively good...and that includes this year.

This was an absolute steal for the Yankees, who now may be the team to beat in the AL East. It had to be more about an anti-Rodriguez feeling in the organization than any belief that the Tigers can stay in playoff contention with an improved bullpen.

Steal? Team to beat because of this?

They had to get Rodriguez because Posada's done for the year and their regular catcher was Jose freakin' Molina!

Rodriguez's OPS over the last four years averages to about .740. Guess who's OPSing .740 this year. Jose Bautista of the Pirates. Heard of him? Now picture four years of that and tell me the value of Rodriguez is so wonderful offensively.

Dombrowski insists there's not much difference between the 36-year-old Rodriguez and the next regular catcher, Brandon Inge, making this a net gain for his team...Come on. Detroit has had a tough enough time stopping opponents from scoring runs (an average of 5.1 per game, second-worst in the AL) with Rodriguez behind the plate. He had a 4.22 catcher's ERA; Inge was at 5.50 entering the weekend. This deal simply doesn't add up.

Oh you c'mon. Catcher's ERA? Really? First, it's one of the more flawed statistics out there, only really useful when comparing regular catchers over an entire season, not one that's primarily played third base over the last three years and sporadically catches.

When Nate Robertson gives up eight runs on a given day, Inge is not the primary reason. It's because Nate Robertson is not good at getting outs. And Inge has played 27 games at catcher this year with a few of those being a late defensive replacement.

It's called a small sample size.

So we add a new chapter to the Logic of Phil. 36 year-old catchers who OPS .740 and loopy asshole sluggers should never be traded because they're neat.

Phil Watch: Moronic Monday

åChristo and Mrs. Ney took a weekend trip back to where it all began Saturday and Sunday.

It's still the same. I could still feel three or four panic attacks going off within a square mile radius and everyone still passes the time by shopping, drinking and morosely bitching about their situation in life.

In other words, par for the course.

So no restaurant/grocery store tales today.

Moronic Monday will get all old-school today and do a feature not seen for about a month.

It's Phil Rogers' Power Rankings For Morons! Seems apt.

Let's get started.

2. Yankees (10): Brian Cashman has a habit of making helpful moves at the trading deadline. He did it again by adding the underrated Xavier Nady and Damaso Marte in the weekend deal with Pittsburgh. He’s still working to add another starting pitcher (Jarrod Washburn?) or catcher before Thursday’s deadline. Hank Steinbrenner might have spurred Cashman into action by leaking his interest in signing Barry Bonds.

And this is why it was time to explore Phil's PRFM again...Barry Bonds.

First, let's clear this up. Cashman was asked about Bonds as an option and he said:

So when Cashman was asked on Friday if he had talked with Jeff Borris, the agent for Barry Bonds, he quickly amended his instinctive response.

“I wouldn’t say,” Cashman said, before waiting a moment and answering definitively. “I have not. I don’t want to take this down the wrong path.”

All this came from a reporter asking Cashman whether Bonds will be discussed in Tampa and Cashman played the 'all options open' card to display his gritty determination to improve the team. He was a dope to not see this coming but after signing Sexson and trading for Nady, where does Bonds hit?

Second, let's review recent quotes by Phil on Bonds. Numero Uno:

If Williams wants to do something dramatic — and isn't that always his style? — he can try to cut a deal with Barry Bonds. That would certainly give Guillen something to chew on. The surly Bonds could replace the respected Thome in the biggest clubhouse shake-up imaginable.

and my personal favorite that's stood the test of time:

If Friedman wanted to really roll the dice, he would sign Bonds and then trade his most marketable chip, Carl Crawford, for pitching and prospects. The Rays think they have a chance to be taken seriously this year, with or without Bonds, but it would be fun to see him battle the Yankees in New York and the Red Sox in Boston.

Phil gets a little pregnant every time he types Bonds' name. And it continues.

4. Cubs (3): You can argue that this is no longer a top-five team, given the 11-11 record in July, but the Cubs’ plus-110 run differential is still the best in the majors. It suggests that they will be able to hold their own in the upcoming four-game series in Milwaukee. It may seem that the Brewers have captured the NL Central mojo, but we don’t remember anyone offering $1.3 billion when Bud Selig’s team was for sale.

And they had a +90 run differential at the end of May. You do the math.

I had to get the mildly annoying thing out of the way before we get to that last sentence.

And for it, I can only say...WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN AND WHAT DOES IT HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING?!

6. Red Sox (2): David Ortiz’s long-awaited return resulted in a 1-0 loss to the Yankees, and now they’re seriously considering trading Manny Ramirez? It’s Panic Time in Beantown!

I hate it when people refer to Boston as Beantown. Not worse than Hotlanta, but still bad.

Did putting Ortiz into the lineup Friday result in negative five runs scored? Ortiz. That bum. He lost that game.

7. Rays (4): The All-Star break couldn’t have come at a better time for the first-time contenders. After dropping seven in a row going into the break, they’ve won their first three series in the second half, showing signs that they might be able to hang with Boston and the Yankees a little longer.

They took two of three from a brutally mediocre Toronto team and a refreshingly lightweight Oakland team at home and split a four game series at Kansas City. 6-4 since the break.

Aside from being wrong about winning three series, that isn't exactly competition that would tell you where they stand in playoff goodness.

9. Mets (12): There’s no way Philadelphia can hang with New York if Johan Santana turns in one of his typical August-September performances. He’s as strong a finisher as there is in the business.

More evidence that Phil concerns himself with about eight things relating to baseball at the beginning of the season and sticks with it throughout the year.

The Mets are 17-6 in July and have a run differential of +56 this month! They're hitting .309 for July, 45 points higher than any month this year. Carlos Delgado, a guy everyone thought was creeping into Richie Sexson futility, is now on pace to hit 34 home runs this year and is hitting .379 for July. Reyes is back to being the superlative leadoff hitter he should be and Wright's found his stroke after a fair to middling start. And oh yeah, Matt Pelfrey record, ERA and every peripheral is the same as Santana's outside of those pretty strikeouts in the last two months.

This team was dead 45 days ago. Santana's a part of the comeback but not even one of the top two or three stories. BTW, that took me about eight minutes to find. And I don't write for a sports column for a living.

11. Phillies (11): Something’s up with Jimmy Rollins this year, and a lot of smart people haven’t been able to figure it out. He hasn’t been quite himself and it has carried over to his team. Could it be a little jealousy after all that Chase Utley MVP talk in April and May?

Read that a couple of times and tell me it's not more dumb than the dumbest of dumb things.

Rollins isn't playing well because of the residual jealousy of Chase Utley MVP talk.

And because he's playing bad, the rest of the team has decided to also play bad.

I mean, what do you do with that as a reader?

12. Twins (7): It’s time to play the Francisco Liriano card. The longer they keep Liriano in the minors, the better things are for the White Sox and the wild-card contenders from the East.

Liriano had a nice little five-start streak this month. In fact, it was pretty great, giving up one paltry earned run in 35 innings.

He got shelled again last night, giving up 8 hits and 4 runs in 6 innings.

I will say this once. Tommy John surgery a year and a half ago and 35 innings against Triple-A teams does not translate to the majors. Let's cool our jets here a bit, people.

18. Diamondbacks (19): Mark Reynolds has become one of the best players no one knows. He’s outplaying all the young Diamondbacks who carry bigger reputations and wallets. Arizona’s win on Saturday gave the NL West a team over-.500 for the first time in almost a month.

Phil's still under the assumption that everybody pays the same amount of attention to teams outside of Chicago as he does.

Reynolds has been a decent little player for about a year now. And that's as far as one can go when using descriptors for him.

He's on pace to hit 34 home runs and drive in 105. That's pretty good.

He's also on pace to strike out 205 times and hit .246/.330. He's mini-Rob Deer.

23. Orioles (21): Will they really trade closer George Sherrill? They would have some explaining to do with their fans.

Why? Sherill is at absolute peak value right now. He won't get better than this. Trading him makes smart baseball sense. Any Oriole fan who thinks otherwise is a stupid baseball fan.

29. Giants (29): Lincecum, like Volquez, is showing signs of a second half not befitting his impressive first half.

Um...What?! He had one bad start against the Brewers since the break!

Against Arizona on Saturday, he went 7 innings, giving up 2 earned, walking none and striking out 13 fucking batters!

Cripes!

I forgot how frustrating doing this shit is!

He just makes me so mad!

Phil Watch: It's Like A Roundup Of First Half Phil

Before we get to Phil, BRE would like to give a stand-up, hands over their heads clapping Bravo! to Jack Cust.

When he struck out yesterday against the Angels, it was the 19th consecutive game he's done so. It also was his 114th strikeout of the year, one short of the team record for Ks before the All-Star break. C'mon Jack, give me a couple of whiffs today and break that record (remember, Dave Kingman, Reggie Jackson, Jose Canseco and Mark McGwire played for this team).

And Jack's passed the minimum 1000 PAs to now qualify for the all-time TTO list! His 56.5% career mark puts him well ahead of the historical pack! He's well off the prodigious 61.2% that Russell Branyan put up in 2000 for a single season, but 55.2% this year for Jack? Not Bad. Not bad at all.

Now to put this in perspective, in 2004, when Barry Bonds walked 232 times, his TTO that year was 52.5%.

On to Phil.

It's Phil's Whispers. You know, that regular column where Phil puts together a hodgepodge of items he found in the game recaps at MLB.com. Journalisme très sérieux.

Let's get started.

The Tigers and Orioles will be playing Thursday while every other AL team gets a four-day All-Star break. Detroit manager Jim Leyland calls that quirk "a joke," and he's right. …

Sorry. Not MLB.com. The Detroit News. Hot damn. I can do this shit. Sign me up.

And anybody else think if someone interrupts Leyland's morning poop, he'd be a raging asshole the rest of the day?

The Mariners put Erik Bedard on the disabled list with some tightness in his forearm but still hope to trade him before the July 31 deadline. He hasn't gone more than six innings since May 28, so look for the Mariners to try to get seven-plus innings out of him his next couple of times out. …

Ya think? Don't go out on a limb there, Phil.

Frank Thomas, out since late May with a partial tear in his right quadriceps, has been cleared to start hitting and hopes to get back in Oakland's lineup before the end of the month. …

Phil got his undies all in a bunch over the Blue Jays trading Frank. He screamed, he moaned, he threw himself on the coffin. It's was a full-fledged death-wail.

First, let's get the patent wrongness out of the way. He's not expected back until the beginning of August, not before the end of the month. That's straight from Big Hurt's mouth.

Second, how's that roster move for the Blue Jays lookin' now? He's had 180 PAs so far this year. Let's say he comes back on August 1 and gets 3.5 PA/game over the last 60 games of the season. The A's will be on the hook for $10 million next year as his 2009 option is guaranteed with 1000 PAs over 2007-08...for a 41 year-old who CAN'T play the field and can't stay healthy. Future HOF? Sure. Worth $10 million in 2009. Fuck No.

The Mets are crediting the more relaxed attitude created by new manager Jerry Manuel for their winning 8 of 10 entering the weekend. They had eight consecutive starts with their starters allowing three or fewer runs. …

The Mets are up 86 games in the alternate standings that measure relaxed attitudes.

Ron Mahay just keeps increasing his value for Kansas City. …

More please. And I can't name one middle reliever that helped a team win the World Series in recent memory. Can you? There's been a lot of disasters (see Kyle Farnsworth, Scott Linebrink, Eric Gagne, et al) but I can't name one that really helped.

There's also rumblings that KC might spend a little next off-season. I don't know if he'll really be moved.

Bob Sheppard, the Yankees' 97-year-old PA man, isn't going to make it to Yankee Stadium for the All-Star Game. …

Phil had to go to the bathroom, stopped typing and just moved on to the next whisper.

Geovany Soto made a Futures Game appearance last year before joining the Cubs late in the season. The White Sox could follow that scenario with infielder Chris Getz, who could wind up as Alexei Ramirez's double-play partner in 2009. …

Wait a gosh darn minute here. I thought the White Sox farm system was decimated? They have a couple of guys playing in the Futures Game.

Again, an organization absolutely should build their farm system. But a team in a large market with moderately deep pockets doesn't need 5,000 prospects playing at Triple-A and are near major league-ready. They need two or three each year at key positions. The rest is fodder for trades. Like trading for Nick Swisher (we're getting to that).

Boston and Arizona did talk about signing Barry Bonds, but why not the Angels? Or the Dodgers? Or Minnesota? Somebody should gamble on Bonds, but nobody wants him around. …

Oh JHC! First, didn't he just answer his query. Should but nobody wants him.

And the Angels will NOT sign Bonds! Quit pushing this shit! Please tell me where he fits. Do they trade/release Anderson or Matthews? How is that going to work? Just because a team is bad at hitting home runs doesn't mean they should force-fit a new player known in the past for hitting home runs (among other things to put it mildly) into a lineup.

If anybody is trying to find a Joe Baseball Fan as an example of someone who represents the surge in baseball attendance in the late 90s that thought home runs were pretty and nothing else matters, see Phil Rogers.

Rangers newcomer Chris Davis might be having the best season of anyone in baseball. The 22-year-old first baseman has 28 homers and 84 RBIs in 91 games. …

And he's struck out 87 times while walking only 30 times. He's eight foot tall and has about 12,000 holes in his swing. He was so bad at third and in the outfield, he had to be moved to first to limit his defensive liability. I have more.

He's had a great year so far but screams Dallas McPherson and Brad Eldred to me.

Left-hander Gio Gonzalez, who was sent to Oakland by the Sox in the Nick Swisher trade, is leading the Pacific Coast League in strikeouts. …

Just a wee bit has been omitted here. Phil's still hoping his January hissy fit will somehow hold up. So far, we have Fautino De Los Santos having Tommy John Surgery and Ryan Sweeney losing his starting and platooning job to Matt Murton. Gio's the only one left.

Gonzalez is also 4th in the league in walks and sports a 4.56 ERA and 1.36 WHIP. And that was dramatically improved by a stellar three game stretch (0.86 ERA in 21 IP) where he pitched against three teams that are a combined 26 games below .500 right now. On June 28, he had a 5.51 ERA and a 1.51 WHIP.

He's a good pitching prospect that has oodles of issues. The Sox weren't going to get Swisher for free and giving up Gonzalez was right and just. You know what you get with Swisher and he's signed through 2011. With Gonzalez, nothing's guaranteed.

Boston is moving Justin Masterson to the bullpen, which could be a good thing for Waubonsie Valley product Michael Bowden. He entered the weekend 9-4 with a 2.33 ERA in 19 starts for Double-A Portland.

How? How?!

Who's he going to hurdle in the starting rotation? The Red Sox just recalled Buchholz and they have Beckett, Matsusaka, Wakefield, Lester and Colon possibly coming back in August. Unless the Red Sox go to a seven-man rotation, how's he going to pitch in the majors this year? Even with Buchholz's struggles, they wouldn't waste an another option on him. If anything happens to any of the starting pitchers, Masterson is first in line for a spot start. This is basic baseball logic. Cripes!

But he's a local Chicago kid. How could the Red Sox ignore that?

PFRM: What The...

Phil upped the dosage on his medication! In this new world, everybody has a chance!

It's like old Phil and I don't know how to feel about that.

I would recommend a second opinion for him on the dosage but where's the fun for me?

Let's get started.

3. White Sox (4): Don Cooper is officially the White Sox’s secret weapon. How do you trade one of your top starters (Jon Garland) for a shortstop and shave 1.36 off the staff ERA? The work by John Danks and Gavin Floyd has kept Sox fans from missing Garland, which says a lot. This marks the first time all season that the White Sox have been ahead of the Cubs in our rankings. If they can stay ahead of the Cubs, they should extend their lead over Minnesota and Detroit.

JHC! Let it go. I don't think there is one Sox in the city that has thought about Garland in the last two months. Quit beating this frakkin' drum! Even as a qualifier for Danks and Floyd. The Sox are eminently better off without him now. And that was news two months ago.

And nobody gives a shit about where the Cubs and Sox sit in the Trib's power rankings...except for the dipshit commenters on the webpage.

5. Angels (5): Let’s see. You’ve got Vladimir Guerrero, Garret Anderson, Gary Matthews Jr. and Casey Kotchman on the roster, and you add Torii Hunter. So, of course, your home run leader is Mike Napoli. The Angels always win, but they almost never do it the way you think they would.

This would be relevant if it were true. Guerrero has led the Angels in homers since June 20, over two weeks ago. Wouldn't it be neat if things were relevant even if they weren't true. It would be sooo neat. And convenient.

That 3.29 team ERA in June may have had something to do with winning recently. IDK, I think good pitching is a way to win the way I think they would (does that make sense?).

And Casey Kotchman? Did I miss the time when he was a prodigious home run threat?

8. Athletics (6): Hawk Harrelson was right to point out how dangerous this team could be if Frank Thomas and Eric Chavez come back to have big second halves. They’re not nearly as deep as the Angels, but could challenge them.

Eric Chavez? The last time he was a real offensive threat was 2005! That like saying the Cardinals could be dangerous when Mark Mulder comes back. Or the Braves could make a run when Mike Hampton comes back.

How about talking about plausible shit. And has Phil mentioned Duchscherer yet? I quit keeping track.

9. Brewers (14): It’s time to take Milwaukee seriously again. The Brewers are 23-11 since May 30 and have a chance to have C.C. Sabathia and Ben Sheets start 32 of their remaining 74 games. That is, if Sheets holds together. How much longer does Ned Yost think he can push Sheets like he was the second coming of Joe “Iron Man’’ McGinnity? Sheets, who has been sidelined by injuries in each of the last four seasons, leads the majors with three 120-pitch starts. Sabathia threw 123 in his last start for Cleveland. They are going to be pushed hard.

This is Phil's newest boner stat. 120-pitch starts. It took the place of one-run game records, which replaced catchers' caught stealing percentage.

Sheets is averaging 105 pitches/start. Sabathia's averaging 107.5 pitches/start. Those aren't ridiculous numbers in the least.

10. Phillies (9): Philadelphia was 4-11 in interleague play, losing series to Toronto, Boston, the Angels, Oakland and Texas. Yet the Phillies quickly extended their lead in the NL East when they were allowed to play the Braves and Mets.

I thought the Braves were good? More on that later.

11. Cardinals (10): Tony La Russa’s message to ownership is that St. Louis must improve if it is to hang with the Cubs. That’s putting a lot of pressure on rookie GM John Mozeliak, but he’s backed by ownership that will want him to look good after running off Walt Jocketty, one of the game’s best executives.

Because making their GM look good is the most important thing on the Cardinals' plate.

13. Mets (12): Who would have guessed that Johan Santana would miss the All-Star Game in his first season in the National League? The team that went 34-35 under Willie Randolph is 10-9 since Jerry Manuel took over. This wasn’t the bounce owner Fred Wilpon wanted.

I did! I did! I did! Pick Me!!!!!

Of course, the All-Star game selection wasn't part of the equation because All-Star game selections are the definition of stupid stupidness (see Varitek over Pierzynski).

Now I've never met Santana. Don't personally watch his workouts and have only seen him pitch in person once. But multiple scouts talked about a strange drop in velocity and a diminished sharpness in his curveball last year. I read this kind of stuff on these internets that you're currently using. It took no talent on my part. Just the ability to click a mouse. He's not struggling in the real sense but many predicted an adjustment period as he attempts to become a more crafty pitcher without the blazing fastball.

14. Blue Jays (18): When you’ve got pitching, you’ve got a chance.

Went 2-4 for the week and jumped four spots. Currently, they're dead last in the AL East, 13 games back.

They're 33 back in real games back, a new fangled stat that adds the team's current games back and includes all the teams between them and the first place team, which is really a better gauge, isn't it, given they have to hurdle those teams as well.

Their pitching has been meh over the last month, something they can't have with that shit-ass lineup.

15. Rangers (21): Historically, these guys haven’t won too many series at Yankee Stadium. They did it last week, with C.J. Wilson outpitching Mariano Rivera.

.500 team. Good for them. Craptastic pitching again this year. Just like last year and the year before and the year before and the year before...

17. Orioles (16): Andy MacPhail could face a tough buy/sell decision at the All-Star break. Baltimore has overachieved to get into the fringe of wild-card contention, but he might get a good return if he deals Brian Roberts and Aubrey Huff.

Would somebody take a closer look at this team (I know Phil won't). They're not that bad.

Oh, they're not going to win anything this year but there's a decent amount of power here, they field the ball, don't give up a crapload of hits and have the 6th best bullpen in baseball. If Teixeira signs with them next year, as he's indicated he wants to sign with either Baltimore or Washington, and they go get a decent starter, this team could be quite good next year.

Sell? Why?

21. Reds (27): A friendly stretch of schedule helped Cincinnati climb toward .500. Bronson Arroyo has won his last two starts after a terrible first half.

Hey, the Reds swept Washington! Dusty's makin' a mooooovvvvveeee!!!

Before the sweep this weekend, they lost 11 of their last 17 games.

22. Dodgers (20): GM Ned Colletti is hoping he can get a lift from Andruw Jones. If Jones doesn’t start hitting for power—and why would he now?—then Colletti will be pressured into doing something he doesn’t want to, like dealing Clayton Kershaw for the best bat available.

This might be dumber than the patent falsehood about the Angels. No. Fucking. Way. The Dodgers trade Kershaw. And for who? What 'best bat available' will be available at short, the only position for which the Dodgers are desperate? Khalil Greene?

23. Diamondbacks (19): How did these guys get off to that 19-7 start?

Lest we forget, Phil declared the AL West race over after said 19-7 start.

How? By saying It's Over.

It's over

The remaining five months of baseball will be played, but Arizona's 20-8 April took any suspense out of what figured to be a very good race in the National League West.

The Diamondbacks led the second-place Dodgers by 51/2 games at the end of the month, becoming only the 10th team to lead a division by at least five games at the end of April. All nine of their predecessors rode the fast start to a division title, with seven of them winning by 91/2 or more games and five of them advancing to the World Series.

It's one of my favorites.

26. Pirates (25): In his last big move, former GM Dave Littlefield traded for Matt Morris. Who is first-year GM Neal Huntington going to add at midseason this year, Barry Zito? Carlos Silva? Paul Byrd?

Phil's got jokes.

27. Giants (26): With Barry Bonds, 38-48 at the All-Star break a year ago; without Bonds, 38-48 through 86 games this season. Is that the definition of a non-factor?

What?

28. Camouflage uniforms (NR): Good idea in San Diego, given that area’s military population, but they should be banned outside Petco Park. Still, Jeff Cox’s combat helmet was a stroke of comic genius when the White Sox tried it.

Phil's against the troops! Traitor!

I thought the Sox unis looked kinda cool.

29. Mariners (29): Ichiro Suzuki blew it. He had a chance to go to a contender but signed a contract extension last season.

That asshole! Staying where he's treated like a God and where he loves the area. Fuckwad!

30. Marlins (15): Yes, Florida probably does deserve to be ranked above the likes of Seattle and San Francisco. But the Marlins scored 17 runs in Colorado and still lost 18-17. That dubious achievement deserves special mention.

Probably?

I know this is Phil trying to be cute. But it's not. It's stupid. The opposite of cute.

31. Padres (29): The ex-Cub factor still lives. Just look at Michael Barrett. Who was the last guy to have to go on the disabled list after fouling a ball off his nose? Pete LaCock?

Okay. Phil's a Cub fan and he doesn't even know what the ex-Cub factor is. Hint: It has nothing to do with going on the disabled list with a freak injury.

Good ta have ya back, boy.

Phil Watch: The Trend Is Not The Cubs' Friend

Editor's Note: There will be no discussion about the Angels allowing no hits to the Dodgers and LOSING THE FUCKING GAME!!!! Ever. I'm dangerously close to becoming a meatball Angels fan that demands they go get Teixeira.

Anybody who's lived within 500 miles of Chicago for their whole life understands the peculiar Cub fan mindset.

When things aren't going well, they're cute in their badness. When things are going well, they're so absolutely blind to their team's shortcomings that any voiced concern about anything immediately brands you as some sort of interloper trying to poo-poo on this fairy tale season.

I give you exhibit A.

At Christo's restaurant, a place about 10 blocks from Wrigley, Cub fans abound. Not the staff, just the customers. Last night, the fans in full Cub regalia came in droves. I left for work with the game tied at five in the fifth so I was curious how the game turned out.

One four-top with two people in Cub jerseys couldn't tell me who hit the homer to put the Sox up, insisting it was Ramirez while another went on a spiel about Fukudome, pronouncing his name 'Koo-Sake' numerous times. I figured they probably watched it at a bar in the neighborhood, drank a few and lost their focus. Nope. Ticket stubs came out.

And, while it's an old and tiresome tale, this shit happens all the time.

Phil attempts to inject some level of concern about the Cub pitching staff in a column today.

It's not a bad attempt (well...it pretty much is), but BRE can do it better.

Let's get started.

Headline: Cubs pitching putting damper on all-Chicago World Series dreams

[sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh]

[note: headline changed during the typing of this - now it's more reasoned]

From the BRE useless proclamation department, I offer this.

Chicago. Can we please stop this shit? It makes me think that a World Series championship for either fan base would only mean something if it happened against the other team.

By golly, these last two weeks have been chockablock with idiotic idiocy.

Lou Piniella, a full-time manager and part-time oracle, issued a proclamation late Saturday afternoon.

"The White Sox should win that division by a half-dozen games or more, to tell you the truth," Piniella said. "They have everything you need. Everybody looks at the Cubs … look at the White Sox."

Book it, Sox fans. Lao-Tzu has spoken.

Imagine, if you can: An afternoon game at U.S. Cellular Field in October, then a short ride on the Red Line to Wrigley Field for a night game. Madness on both sides of town, times 21.

Phil is channeling his inner-Carol Slezak.

At least he hasn't proclaimed Chicago the center of the baseball universe as Mariotti did today.

It's pretty cool they're both in first place and it makes following baseball in the city distinctly unboring. But let's tone down the superlatives, please.

On Mariotti, can we also stop saying ESPN stands for the Eastern Seaboard Programming Network? It's a stupid-ass joke that every mouth-breathing sports fan says outside of the East Coast. It wasn't that funny 15 years ago.

No, the Cubs' manager didn't guarantee that the White Sox would run away with the American League Central. But after losing for the second day in a row on the South Side, Piniella did say the Sox "should" win easily over the likes of Minnesota, Detroit and Cleveland. That leaves his Cubs to take care of their business over the second half of the season. And the Cubs are a mortal lock to protect the lead they have had since May 11, right?

Cleveland? WTF puts them into the equation?

Detroit, on the other hand, hit the .500 mark yesterday. 40-40. Verlander's back to form (3.38 ERA and a 1.25 WHIP after a terrible April) and everybody's finally hitting. But lest we forget, this nice little winning streak they've put together came against the malodorous AL West. But they're going to hit their way back into this and Galarraga seems like the steal of the year.

And I'm going to make a prediction that will completely nullify any baseball authority I've acquired over these 35 years on this Earth. The Twins and Royals will finish within five games of each other. Book. That. Ha!

Most people, perhaps even Tony La Russa, Ned Yost and the others chasing them in the National League Central, believe they are the best team, by far. The Cubs have produced 5.5 runs per game, better than every team in the majors except Texas. Their pitching staff has a 3.88 ERA, third best in the NL. What do they have to worry about?

Tony 'Confucius' LaRussa has spoken, my friends. Well, not really spoken but he perhaps did in Phil's head so it's relevant.

The Cubs are 16-12 since May 29, exactly one month ago. Decent little record, right (in the parlance of Phil)?

Here's how the Cubs have performed in June:

Pitching: 4.50 ERA as a team, good for 22nd in the league. 1.42 WHIP, good for 20th in the league.

Hitting: 12th in the league in runs in June. Still in the top ten in most offensive categories but no longer in the top two in any of them, as they were in April and May.

Just a little trend to keep an eye on reflecting 1/3 of the season. Probably more relevant when discussing recent trends rather than the last five games.

For the first time this season, Piniella's pitching staff is in a mini-funk. Carlos Marmol is suddenly a problem. He has had some trouble throwing strikes, and one he threw Saturday wound up on the wrong side of the right-field bullpen wall, courtesy of Carlos Quentin.

As I typed just 2 1/2 minutes ago, not a mini-funk. A 1/3 of the season funk.

And this is 'suddenly a problem'? No. This is marginally irresponsible misuse of Marmol. Like Dusty misuse territory.

Marmol used to be a starter in the minors so he's thrown a lot of innings before. But a starter's routine is dramatically different from a reliever. He's currently on pace to throw almost 100 innings and has thrown back-to-back games this year 15 times and pitched on one day's rest 13 times. His delivery isn't conducive to the 'rubber-arm' moniker used for Linebrink or Scot Shields and you would expect his workload would increase if the NL Central remains close.

This is an issue.

Rookie Sean Gallagher gutted out a 121-pitch effort Saturday, causing Piniella to say he was "proud" of him. But Gallagher coughed up two leads while allowing five runs in six innings, the fourth game in a row a Cubs starting pitcher has allowed at least four earned runs. That had happened only 21 times in the first 76 games, and never more than twice in a row.

Grinder alert!

Gives up 8 hits, walks 3, allows 5 earned runs and serves up two dingers but he's a gutty grinder channeling his inner-David Eckstein/Darin Erstad (lots of channeling going on today).

"We're scuffling right now," Piniella said. "We're not at full strength."

Zambrano's out. That's it. What does that have to do with the other four days Carlos wouldn't have pitched?

There's a sense that the Cubs think games shouldn't count if anybody's injured. Part. Of. The. Game.

It wasn't that long before the Zambrano injury that Piniella pointed out to reporters the Cubs' pitching staff wasn't as deep as people thought, and he seems to have been right. Without Zambrano and the invisible man, Rich Hill, the Cubs have Gallagher, Marshall and Jason Marquis at the back end of the rotation.

Drop an opinion now and then, Phil.

Starting five: Zambrano, Dempster, Lilly, Marquis, Marshall/Gallagher.

It's just not that good or scary?

At the beginning of the season, we here at BRE said one injury makes this staff go from average to bad astonishing quick.

By not giving Hill a chance to get out of the first-inning mess he created at St. Louis on May 2, Piniella called attention to Hill's problems throwing strikes. He had walked four of the six hitters he faced in that game, throwing 27 pitches to get two outs, but the time before he had allowed only two runs in five innings at Colorado, walking four. Yet Piniella pulled the plug because Hill seemed too unsure of himself.

So Lou should have given him a chance? Hill threw 353 pitches this season with only 194 for strikes, good for a 55% success rate. That's bad.

Thing is...he's never thrown strikes.

From Baseball America:

Background: Hill always had a knockout curveball, but his inability to throw strikes (6.3 walks per nine innings) held him back in his first three seasons as a pro. The light turned on in 2005, which he credits to improved mental focus. Hill led the minors with 13.4 strikeouts per nine innings and made his major league debut.

Weaknesses: For all his progress, Hill didn’t throw strikes when he joined the Cubs and big league hitters took advantage. He needs to trust and use his changeup more often.

It's called a track record.

General manager Jim Hendry hoped Hill, an 11-game winner in 2007, could get himself back together at Iowa, but instead he walked 28 in 26 innings. He's now on emotional life support at the spring training complex in Arizona.

He's missed.

Or the Cubs shouldn't have relied on Hill with no backup plan. Oh, wait...they got Lieber. It's a domino effect. The loss of Hill means Lilly and Marquis move up the chain. That's not good.

Hendry is likely to go in search of starting pitching before the July 31 trading deadline. Among those who could wind up on his radar screen are Cleveland's C.C. Sabathia, Oakland's Rich Harden, the Los Angeles Angels' Jon Garland and San Diego's Greg Maddux.

Oh, JHC!!!!!!

Let's get a couple out of the way. Garland isn't going anywhere because the Angels have nobody...I repeat, NOBODY...to take his place right now. Escobar is ahead of schedule but any real gauge as to his effectiveness won't be known until after the trade deadline. But Garland was drafted by the Cubs and if he came back, Phil would find it to be uh so cute.

And Maddux isn't coming back to the Cubs. Not gonna happen.

The other two are intriguing but both will require a type-A prospect and a couple of low minors guys. Beane or Shapiro aren't going to bite on Pie or Patterson because they're not stupid and Murton doesn't even enter the discussion. So who would the Cubs give up?

Phil is officially a Cub fan. He assumes either everybody else is a moron or wildly overvalues the prospects in the Cub farm system.

Phil's back, people. I'm warm, fuzzy and just let out a little pee.

In the meantime, Piniella can take some comfort in those 93- and 94-m.p.h. fastballs Gallagher was blowing past White Sox hitters after his pitch count had climbed above 100. He probably slept well.

Gallagher threw hard, which was neato to watch. Oodles of pitchers, including many average-to-bad pitchers, throw harder later in the game than they did at the beginning of the game. It's commonly referred to as the 'stretching-out process'. 8 hits, 3 walks, 2 homers, 5 earned runs in a 6 inning, 121-pitch outing. How does that make anyone sleep well? It's just stupid to say that. Is it just me?

"I knew I needed to last a little longer," Gallagher said. "After [giving up four early runs], I didn't see anybody in the bullpen. I said, 'This is my game.' "

It's never too early to start pitching your way onto a playoff roster.

If Sean Gallagher makes the playoff roster and is given anything resembling a significant role, the Cubs have issues and will not go far.

Cripes.

Phil Watch: Saturday Salmagundi

Christo has been MIA for a bit this week as he attempts to do something resembling productive with his life. More news on that later - if it ever comes to fruition.

It's a Week of Exits

These internets lost a couple of great writers this week.

Will Leitch, the editor and co-founder of Deadspin, announced he's taking a real-life job at New York Magazine as editor-at-large. Recently the target of the televised insane meanderings of one Buzz Bissinger, Leitch made Deadspin what it was - a satisfying diversion from and counterbalance to the über-serious world of sports. He'll be missed.

Adam Peltz, writer of the Chicago MenuPages blog, also announced he's done with the silliness of internet food writing and going back to school. Always a smart and funny look at the food world in the Chicago area, I've been reading the blog since its inception. The guy could write and put the Trib and Reader food blogs to shame.

And MLBTradeRumors is saying Billy Beane might be done as GM of the A's as early as the beginning of next season. As an Angels fan, I gotta say...Thank God! But to become a soccer GM? And speaking of insane meanderings, who's Hawk going to hate on in the fifth inning of a blowout now?

And Let's Do A Phil Watch

I knew he'd be back. And I have a strange feeling tomorrow will be teeming with more silliness.

I think I figured out why he's been so inoffensive lately. It's because he's been so damn boring. It's been something akin to Ed Mundane talking about Jimmy Blinkensop waiting for the last bell.

Well, he's inching back to form today. Nothing outrageous. Just Phil doing his best rendition of a less bombastic Mariotti - saying the same thing about the Sox for 45,000th time, as if repetition makes it more true.

Let's get started.

Kosuke Fukudome finally played a game at U.S. Cellular Field on Friday. Judging by some of the monstrous swings he took, it was a big day for him.

Cubs manager Lou Piniella talked about Fukudome's balance and "textbook" swing the first time he saw him take batting practice in Mesa. But against Jose Contreras and relievers Boone Logan and Nick Masset, Fukudome took some hacks that were so vicious they left him reeling around the dirt beside home plate.

Saw the game. He's been swinging like that all year. How has it changed?

The Sox eventually topped the Cubs' $48 million offer (reportedly going to $50 million), but by then general manager Jim Hendry had sold the Chunichi Dragons All-Star on becoming the Cubs' first Japanese import.

They're glad they did.

And on Friday, so were the White Sox.

Only on Friday? This is a non-issue. It was very early on in the negotiations. Fukudome said he didn't want to play for the Sox because he wanted to play right field and Dye was there. Quit making it sound like it was some eleventh hour decision.

If Fukudome had come to the South Side, life would have been so different for both of Chicago's first-place teams—and not just because so many among the 39,132 at U.S. Cellular Field would have been cheering Fukudome, not confusing him with a vacuum cleaner.

See what I mean. The crappy jokes are back. It's a slow return to form. And it gets better.

As Piniella said Friday, "There are a lot of ifs in baseball."

If the Sox had signed Fukudome, Nick Swisher wouldn't have been around to hit a grand slam and a double in Friday's 10-3 victory.

First, anybody else noticing that Pinella's quite the philosopher?

Second, Phil believes in Chaos Theory! If a butterfly flaps his wings in Peru, a tornado could happen in Iowa.

Who knows? If Fukudome was in the Sox lineup, the team may be 81-0 as well. Same dipshit logic here.

The girls with the "Dirty 30" signs would have had to find another object of their affection, as he would still be in Oakland or wherever Billy Beane traded him.

Why is he mentioning Billy Beane?

The White Sox wouldn't have needed to give up Ryan Sweeney and their two best pitching prospects (Gio Gonzalez and Fautino de los Santos) to get him. GM Ken Williams paid heavy freight when New Year's Day passed and he found himself running out of options. He was under fire from his fan base for failing to land off-season targets Torii Hunter, Miguel Cabrera and Fukudome, among others, but still determined to build a contender around the aging 3-4-5 combination of Jim Thome, Paul Konerko and Dye.

Oh, Holy Mother of Gibbon Crap! It's back! Phil's back! Here we go!

Now Ryan Sweeney's the crown jewel of the trade?!

Check the numbers, people. What exactly would have Sweeney offered the Sox this year or the next five years that they don't already have? He's basically a slap hitter who's had only 169 abs so far. The Sox got Nick Swisher! And cheaply!

Also, I didn't hear any Sox fans bemoan the failure of acquiring Cabrera, did you?

They're sixth in the league in OPS and fourth in homers. I think they're okay without Sweeney.

So Williams swallowed hard and rolled the dice on Swisher, a first baseman-outfielder who never had driven in more than 95 runs.

Specious, specious, specious!

Swisher spent the bulk of his time with the A's in the two-hole, not exactly the ideal spot to drive in a buttload of runs. Cripes! Look this shit up. Or watch baseball. Either one works.

While the 23-year-old Sweeney is hitting a soft .290 as Oakland's No. 2 hitter, the trade is doing exactly what Williams hoped it would. John Danks and Gavin Floyd have pitched so well that Gonzalez still would be in Triple-A (De los Santos underwent Tommy John surgery in May) and Swisher...

Soft is an understatement.

And let's really give some facts here.

Gio Gonzalez had a nice little season last year in an extremely pitcher-friendly league. Some people mentioned this. This year, he has a 5.51 ERA and a 1.51 WHIP in Triple-A in the notoriously hitter-friendly PCL. He's walked 42 guys in 81.2 innings. By every measure, he's been bad.

Santos' TJS adds oodles to the question marks everybody previously had about him. But he's young. Who knows? But we can take him out of the equation until 2010 now.

So the Sox got Swisher, a 27 year-old outfielder/first baseman who is signed through 2011 at an extraordinarily cheap price for a banjo hitter and a guy who two teams gave up on and who is stinking up Triple-A right now.

Looks like it was Beane who rolled the dice now.

Given that Swisher also is signed through 2011, at a savings of more than $5 million a year over Fukudome, Williams might be getting a bargain.

Might?

Is Phil trying to temper his previous blatherings on this issue?

Christo doesn't forget.

Orlando Cabrera never is going to be a bargain for the White Sox, not with Williams dealing Jon Garland to get him. But like the Swisher deal, Garland-for-Cabrera is providing an immediate dividend (it better, as Cabrera looks like a rental who will be gone after this season).

Where does Garland fit into this year's rotation, especially given his contract issues.

Again, I've seen every one of Garland's starts. What does Garland have in common with Ricky Nolasco, Jeff Suppan, Tim Redding and Nick Blackburn? They all have nearly the same statistics this year (and all have an ERA of 4.05). He's just a guy who doesn't get injured and gives you 200 mediocre innings.

Garland would have been a de-facto rental this year for the Sox as well. No way they would have given him the four years and $12-$13 million he'll be looking for.

Cabrera won't sign with the Sox next year and I still think he's a better #2 hitter but as of this writing and how Danks and Floyd have pitched, the Sox have gotten the better end of this deal. How can it possibly be argued otherwise? Let's go to alternate universes where Uribe is playing short for the Sox this year. How would that have gone?

With Cabrera and Swisher, the White Sox have baseball's least likely first-place team. They aren't the same punch-less bunch that scored two runs in their three games against the Cubs at the Cell a year ago.

Phil. Again. You can't take back the verbiage you wrote at the beginning of this year. And quit this 'immediate returns' bullshit. It's not like Kenny signed a bunch of 48 year-olds to make a run this year. Both trades benefitted the team immensely and they gave up little to do so.

Like their stubborn general manager, they keep fighting back.

Mariotti-lite potshot.

Where have you gone, Andy Gonzalez?

What?