Phil Watch: The Twins Could Be Dangerous?

No. No they can't.

For now, they're bad, Phil.

And it's okay to say that. It doesn't have to be a scathing preview, just, you know, a little less limp than something that sounds like you're writing for HGTV.

And I giggled when Phil used 'bromides' in the first paragraph. Kinda like Ann Coulter describing someone as a shrill, manipulative harpy.

Let's get started.

The word in the Minnesota Twins' camp this spring is "162+ (no excuses)."

Translated, this means: Sure we lost Torii Hunter, Johan Santana and general manager Terry Ryan, but we plan on playing some playoff games anyway. It is not the least bit realistic, not in a division that includes the powerhouses in Cleveland and Detroit, but raise your hands if you saw the White Sox coming in 2005, the Tigers in '06 or even the Indians in '07.

That's more than one word.

Rewritten: The number and plus sign following by two words in parentheses in the Minnesota Twins' camp this spring is "162+ (no excuses)."

I'm feeling petty today. Blame Ohio and Texas.

Back to more important matters. Does Terry Ryan hit or pitch? I haven't heard of this guy. Is he good?

Oh, BTW, he's still the Twins' senior advisor. He didn't die.

Analyze Ryan's trade history and tell me, outside of the Pierzynski for Liriano/Nathan/Bonser trade (Giants were the dipshits there), that he was some sort of baseball guru. I dare ya. He did a decent job and it stops there.

Moving on. What's Phil building to? He mentioned three AL Central teams w/r/t their performances over three consecutive years. He's not gonna...

The American League Central teams that won six postseason series over the last three years were a combined 22 games below .500 the year before they reached the World Series or, in the case of last year's Indians, expired on the threshold of the Series. So why, then, couldn't the perennially-in-transition Twins pull off a surprise this season?

Oh No He Didn't!

What? Who? How? Why?

This is what Phil wrote on January 30 in response to the Santana trade:

Without Hunter and Santana, the Twins are going to have trouble finishing .500 the next few seasons.

Which one is it? And I'm getting sick of writing 'which one is it?' Are the Twins going to 'surprise' like the Sox, Tigers and Indians did in the last three years or are they going to have trouble finishing .500? I hardly think six spring training games and the acquisition of Livan Hernandez did anything for rational humans to make type of leap.

And because other teams in a regionally-placed division happened to have success recently, that means the Twins have a shot at winning 90 games this year?!?!?!?!?!?!

I would have more respect for this if Phil injected some astrology into the argument, saying 'the moon is in Pisces, bringing good fortune to anyone wearing a Twins baseball hat.'

More respect. Absolutely no justification for it but at least it's an argument. Cuckoo for Coco Puffs argument...but an argument nonetheless. Not that.

The career .232 hitter (Gardenhire) has guided the Twins to four 90-victory seasons and only one losing one, when they went 11-16 in September to wind up four games below .500.

Why include that? Does Gardenhire hit? I have to watch more Twins games. Gardenhire's takin' swings?

Chuck Knoblauch, David Ortiz, Doug Mientkiewicz, A.J. Pierzynski, Eddie Guardado, LaTroy Hawkins, Kyle Lohse and Jacque Jones are among the players who were traded for economic reasons or left as free agents. Right fielder Michael Cuddyer is the only holdover player from 2002, which was the year Gardenhire replaced Kelly.

Kyle fucking Lohse. Somebody please send a memo to Phil that Lohse is bad. I'm too tired.

Career: 63-74, 4.82 ERA and a 1.43 WHIP. That's bad. Not even a left-hander.

Personally, I think the impetus of this column was to give Jacque Jones yet another reach-around. He's the ring leader of the 'Jacque Jones for the Hall of Fame' fan club.

Oh, I forgot. He'll probably just forget to vote.

Thirty of the 60 players in Minnesota's camp are new this spring, either added from other organizations or elevated through the Twins' efficient farm system.

Right there! There's your lead. Everybody knows that the Twins traded away the ship. But I didn't know that exactly half of camp is new. I knew it was a lot, but not exactly half. See. That's information to build around and starts a column with a pop, not some dippy slogan crap. I learned something in a Phil column. It was two-thirds of the way into the column but I learned something.

The newcomers include 22-year-old left fielder Delmon Young, who hit .288 and drove in 93 runs for Tampa Bay last season, and known-quantity free agents Livan Hernandez, Adam Everett and Mike Lamb.

Known-quantity? (In Frank Constanza voice) What the hell does that mean?

Picking up Hernandez was a solid move. He'll eat innings and probably eat everything in the clubhouse (Ba-dum).

But Adam Everett is pretty bad at hitting baseballs. If known-quantity means you know he'll be bad, I get it.

Mike Lamb might be the definition of replacement player (if his average were 20 points lower, he would be). He's already 32, rarely takes a walk and, if given 550 abs this year, will strike out 100 times.

How do these additions build on anything resembling a 'Twins surprise' argument?

Count Gardenhire's Twins out at your own risk. They dare you.

I'll take that dare. If the Twins finish over .500, I'll eat a bag of glass.