See.Off-season Phil is da bomb!
Christo's gonna need something to get himself through another winter and Phil's going to be his chenille throw blanket providing a reassuring warmth on those cold wintry evenings.
Let's get started.
It's a long shot, but don't count out Hendry's go-for-broke approach
Let's rephrase that. The Cubs already have almost $130 million committed before making pitches to Dempster and Wood. $150 million after that. The Cubs are about to be sold, the economy's in the porcelain poop dispenser and the stadium revenue streams are maxed out.
Hey, let's write a completely nonsensical article about the Cubs' chances of signing a 36 year-old left fielder demanding a six-year contract at $20 million per year. With another wildly overpaid and untradeable player currently occupying his position.
I'll say this. Phil knows these internets. I can only imagine the number of people clicking on this one just to see how stupidly stupid it might be. It's about page hits, people. Shrewd devil, that Phil.
Manny Ramirez won't be going to Boston for the World Series. No one knows where he will wind up in 2009, including Ramirez or his agent, Scott Boras, both of whom are the cleanup hitters of their businesses.
Despite unprecedented production under the brightest lights, the baggage Ramirez carries is so heavy that it's unclear if the Los Angeles Dodgers will pay to bring him back. His fit elsewhere is equally unclear, as is the outlook for improving a Cubs team that has gone 0-6 the last two Octobers.
Could those uncertainties merge?
Ooooh, Phil Game! Pick two uncertainties in life and ask if they can somehow merge. No criteria and critical thinking needed. Just think of two things and ask if it will get Joe The Ass Picker from Cicero to read your column. Points for coming up with an enticing headline.
It's uncertain right now if Green Party presidential candidate Cynthia McKinney will win the election. People are uncertain about the economy and want a new face.
Will those uncertainties merge?
With the aggressive nature of general manager Jim Hendry and the anything-to-win approach in the Lou Piniella era, don't rule this out—not if the Dodgers would take on a big contract or two from the Cubs.
Every big contract the Cubs have right now includes...(drumroll)...A NO-TRADE CLAUSE! And why specifically the Dodgers? Manny's a free agent and the Dodgers get two draft picks if they offer and he walks.
Soriano? Where does he fit with the Dodgers? They have 5.4 billion outfielders right now, including two with bad contracts (Pierre/Jones) and two leadoff hitters (Furcal if signed and Pierre). Why, exactly would the Dodgers bite, Phil? So far, you sound like a Score caller.
Ramirez? He's less than two years away from being a 10-5 player. Why is he waiving his no-trade clause?
Lee? Loney equals his production and is 42 years younger and $8 billion cheaper.
But before getting all speculative, let's revisit Ramirez's impact after being traded from Boston to the Dodgers at the July 31 deadline.
Let's.
Baseball's most dreaded hitter, he batted .520 with four homers, 10 RBIs, nine runs and 11 walks in eight postseason games. He played 61 games in all for Los Angeles, a team that was punchless before adding him, and delivered a .410 average with 21 home runs and 63 RBIs.
Baseball's most dreaded hitter, he batted .520 with four homers, 10 RBIs, nine runs and 11 walks in eight postseason games. He played 61 games in all for Los Angeles, a team that was punchless before adding him, and delivered a .410 average with 21 home runs and 63 RBIs.
But...but...but...that doesn't tell me why the Dodgers would take a couple of big (see: Bad) contracts from the Cubs. Does Phil know Manny's a free agent?
He had a .513 on-base percentage and a .783 slugging average—numbers that combine for a 1.296 OPS. He has played in 108 career postseason games for Cleveland, Boston and the Dodgers and delivered a .286 average with 28 homers, 74 RBIs and a .949 OPS.
Phil did math! It wasn't Phil-Math. Just regular, logical math. Still don't know why the Dodgers are taking on Cubs' contracts.
Ramirez gave up a $20 million option in Boston to become a free agent after this season.
Whew!! Phil knows it. I was worried.
Wait a minute...that makes this even stupider!
He is 36 and, according to Boras, deserving of a six-year contract that will pay him top-of-the-scale money until he's 42, as Alex Rodriguez will be and Barry Bonds was in his last contract. Boras points out a quality that separates Ramirez from those other elite hitters.
Well, shit. If Boras said it, it must be true. Always trust guys in life who are looking to get paid. Trust everything out of their mouth without question. That's today's life lesson from Christo.
"He not only gives you performance of the highest level during the season, but in the postseason he just carries a team," the agent told ESPN Friday.
Are quotes from Boras supposed to buttress this argument? Still don't know how Manny fits into the Cubs scheme and why the Dodgers and specifically the Dodgers are taking Cubs' contracts.
Boras believes this quality trumps questions about Ramirez's on-again, off-again effort and the selfishness that eventually made him persona non grata after two World Series parades in Boston. It's unclear whether Hendry or executives with other teams will bite.
Wait just one moment. I say again. Phil posited the question, "Could Manny Ramirez Join The Cubs?" and we're 1/2 of the way through this shit and he still hasn't even formed something resembling an argument that would hold up to the scrutiny of my four year-old nephew. Well, that nephew might be six...or ten by now, but you get my drift.
If there's a fan base ripe for that pitch, it's the fans in the bars in Wrigleyville.
Ka-boom! There we go. That's his argument right there. The Cub fans might want it so it could, should and will happen. Because the economics and rationale of baseball moves don't even enter the picture in Cub fan fantasyland. It just should happen.
Just like the last caller on the Holmes & Hampton show that said the Cubs should trade Fukudome, Fontenot and Howry to the Orioles for Brian Roberts. Forget the fact that Howry's a free agent. Angelos should do it because the Cubs deserve a World Series and any player that once put on a Cub uniform is as valuable and the most valuable valuables on the planet.
They have watched Alfonso Soriano and Aramis Ramirez go a combined 5-for-51 in the crushing first-round losses to the Dodgers and Arizona and are hungrier than ever for the full ride, not just the big tease.
I would pay money to see the Cubs only acquire players that have had post-season success. Craig Counsell, Tito Landrum and Scott Brosius are looking for work, I'm sure.
There's no way the Cubs can play two left fielders, so Soriano would have to go for Ramirez to come.
Whhhhaaaaa? Phil's addressing actual issues? Let's see where this goes.
Soriano seems to be essentially an immovable object with six years and $106 million left on his contract, but the Dodgers will need two things if they don't re-sign Ramirez—power hitting and another buzz guy.
And too tweaky, moody and demands to lead off or he'll pout. Forgot that, Phil.
Could Soriano soften the blow of losing Ramirez?
Yeah, the Dodgers need more guys prone to missing baseball games to injuries. And what baseball fan doesn't know what Soriano really is? Buzz guy? Last time I checked, the Dodgers don't have problems putting butts in seats. Who in their right mind would make a decision whether to go or not go to a baseball game based on the presence of Alfonso Soriano?
"I have a lot of work to do and a lot of decisions to make," Dodgers GM Ned Colletti told the Los Angeles Daily News last week. "I'll do a lot of listening."
And if Coletti takes Soriano's contract, he will not be a GM much longer. Even the lame-ass LA media will eat him alive.
If Hendry, who still needs his own contract extension, decides to make major changes, the Cubs and Dodgers could have lots to talk about.
Again. WHY DO THE CUBS AND DODGERS SPECIFICALLY HAVE ANYTHING TO TALK ABOUT!!!!!!
With Derek Lowe eligible for free agency and Brad Penny and Jason Schmidt physical wrecks (Penny has a $9.25 million option that might not be exercised), the Dodgers likely will be in the market for starting pitching. The Cubs have it to trade, especially if they keep Ryan Dempster and Kerry Wood off the free-agent market.
Who...what the...why....how would...????? WHO'S BEING TRADED FOR WHO AND WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH MANNY AND THE DODGERS????!!!!!!
They could move Soriano or Aramis Ramirez to address the Dodgers' need for power hitting, although like Carlos Zambrano both have full no-trade clauses that would have to be waived. Both teams have bad contracts they might be willing to discuss to try to get a deal done (most notably Kosuke Fukudome, Andruw Jones, Juan Pierre and Schmidt).
Phil had to be drunk when he wrote this. I bet he woke up the next morning and had some vague memory of doing something last night. He clicked on the Trib site and saw it.
And then I bet he was proud of himself that he didn't, in his mind, embarrass himself.
It's a sliding scale when taking into account everything he's written.
I ask again/again/again/again. How would the Cubs trading for Andruw Jones, Juan Pierre and/or Jason Schmidt help the Cubs SIGN MANNY RAMIREZ?!%^&#%AA@
JHC, this is a rambling, incoherent piece of poo!
Manny Ramirez's first option is to go back to the Dodgers. But if owner Frank McCourt isn't willing to make that happen, all bets are off.
Ending with 'all bets are off' is like those people that posit a stupid-ass argument and reply to logic that debunks said argument with a "You neeevvveeerrr kkkknnnoooowwww..."
I tried to put together a scenario using Phil's logic here. I took a shower, ate some lunch and pondered anything in the same universe as rational and I couldn't come up with anything. Could the Cubs acquire Pierre and Jones and trade Soriano and Zambrano to make room (?) for Manny? There were charts and graphs and logarithms and tarot cards and I came up with nothing.
I did come up with one thing.
Phil's back. It's going to be a good winter.
