March 23, 2008

Phil Watch: More Misplaced Indignation

The Big Lead reported a few days ago that Sam Smith, the Tribune's NBA writer, stated on the Tony Kornheiser radio show that he might be taking a buy-out.
Though I've only read Smith on occasion, what I have has been reasoned, rational and entirely entertaining (I'm in the process of trying to find the absolute best article about the NBA I read two years where he was part of a roundtable about the state of the NBA - it's unbelievably good).

I give you this little tidbit because it's a good example of juxtaposition: Phil Rogers against Sam Smith in pure ability to write with a smart and entertaining flair.

Phil's most recent piece of 'work' is a bad example of juxtaposition.

Why?

Let's get started.

Shame on Curt Schilling and the other players who did an ugly little Norma Rae imitation last week. They could have solved their problems internally, without letting their inner spoiled brat come out, but that would have meant sacrifice.
Remember when you were in college and had to write fifteen papers a semester? Inevitably, five or six of them patently sucked. For me, many of the sucky ones were written the night before, filled with information vaguely heard in class while I read the newspaper. You know...just a regurgitation of the moments where the professor seemed really into it, create a hook, pound out something in record time and presto! A-.

Phil heard Red Sox and Norma Rae and thought he had a column.

Upset over whether coaches, trainers and a handful of other club employees would be cut in on the bonanza the big-leaguers from Boston and Oakland receive for traveling first class to Japan for the season opener, the Red Sox delayed their final Grapefruit League game in Ft. Myers for an hour.

Do baseball players ever fly coach?

Anyway. I followed this little scuffle as it happened. Here a recap:

Last October, as MLB continued it's little plan to make the game more 'international', they got all the players' union reps together in a conference call to pound out the details. Baseball players being...well...baseball players, got nothing in writing and it was a little vague as to how it was all going to work.

On past trips of this ilk, the whole staff was compensated on par with the players. Boston's player rep., Kevin Youkilis, was of the assumption that it would continue and misunderstood the details of the conference call (who got what, who chipped in, the percentage breakdown, etc.). When it came to light that that wouldn't be the case, the Red Sox front office and MLB tried to hold their feet to the fire. The Red Sox as a team balked at that. Go here for a full explanation.

Phil conveniently leaves out the fact that the Oakland A's were ready to do the same if it wasn't worked out as quickly as it did.

And on that 'quickly'. Where's the justification for this type of outrage on the part of Phil? A Grapefruit League spring training game was delayed for a freakin' hour! It's not like Chicago garbage collectors went on strike for a month in the middle of summer (remember that?).

If it delayed the start of the actual season, I would be a little pissed.
But...Grapefruit League game. One...Hour.

They were rewarded for their behavior by Boston's front office, in conjunction with Major League Baseball and the players' union. The pool of men pocketing $40,000 bonuses was expanded, leaving Schilling's chest puffed up about how the regrettable incident had brought the team together.

Seems fair to expand the pool to me, especially to guys making significantly less than the actual players. And a little smarmy of MLB to try to do such things.

Here in the article, after using Schilling as some form of whipping boy, you would expect a direct quote of Schilling saying something uppity and stupid, something that demonstrates his complete disconnect with the world at large.

"It shows how much this team cares about one another and the people who are involved from the traveling secretary to the video guy to the trainer to the clubhouse people," third baseman Mike Lowell said. "We believed what we were standing up for was the right thing."

Nope.

Perhaps it was, but the details weren't worked out at the appropriate time. By chipping in one-third of their bonuses, the big-leaguers quietly could have come up with enough so that players and 15 staff members each would have netted about $27,000 apiece—now that would have been a show of unity.

Why?! Why?! Why?!

Why in all that is holy should the Red Sox players cut their own bonuses when it has been common practice in the past for these typey-things to include the staff in the cut?

Baseball made over $6 billion last year and their trying this crap?

Something Phil even mentions in this column...

Player salaries have increased to an average of $2.8 million while MLB's annual revenues have passed $6 billion, both at least partly the result of international growth. Aren't trips like this one to Japan and the one to China that the Padres and Dodgers just completed a natural result of the business model?

...here.

Yes. Baseball players make just a crapload of money and have no earthly reason to complain about anything w/r/t money issues as it pertains to them individually.

But MLB has aggressively been pushing these dippy little side trips and baseball festivals like these for the last few years (see World Baseball Classic) and it seems more are on deck. It seems to me this would be a 'natural result of the UNION model' to get a cut of the oodles of cash MLB is raking in with stuff like this.

'Natural result of the business model'. I think Phil just liked how that sounded.

I'm no fan of the baseball union, but where's the issue here?

Again. One Hour. Spring Training Game.

And here's where it gets so much worse.

The Red Sox's Wednesday protest was staged about 24 hours after Cubs players made a stronger statement in Mesa.

Feeling that strength and conditioning coach Tim Buss is underappreciated, the pitching staff did something about it. They passed the hat to buy him a 2008 Nissan Xterra, valued at about $25,000. They got to take their bats to his 1995 Nissan Sentra as part of the deal.

Ugh. Did you feel Phil about to get all juxtapositiony in order to prove a badly thought-out and pretentious point?

I did, but I've become a bit of an expert on Phil-logic, not something to be particularly proud of.

He's not going to take it a step further, is he?

It also came one day after the Yankees traveled from Tampa to Blacksburg, Va., for an exhibition game in honor of those killed in the Virginia Tech campus shooting last April, and at about the same time that the Padres and Dodgers were returning from Beijing.

This makes Christo sad.

Evoking the image of the Virgina Tech shootings to somehow try to prove the silliness of the Boston Red Sox players? And using it because it happened to take place around the same time as this?

Really? That's good writing?

I'm going to use Phil's own language from this column as a juxtaposition to illustrate how terrible it is to do such things:

Shame on you, Phil Rogers. Shame, shame, shame on you.

Give the San Diego and Los Angeles organizations, especially their players, credit for approaching the China trip exactly the right way. Closer Trevor Hoffman and setup man Heath Bell were among the Padres players who embraced the chance to eat scorpions, silkworms and jellyfish, drink snake wine and visit the Great Wall.

Right way?

It's right for the staff not to be cut in on the bonuses?

Can I say that Phil is no fan of the lesser-paid peoples of the world while the obscenely-paid players got theirs?

But hey, they got scorpions, silkworms and jellyfish. Take your cake and be happy about it.

Again. MLB made over $6 billion last year and the Red Sox financial report shows they're also not exactly hurting for dollars.

And they're trying to pull this shit?

And Phil defends them?

National. Baseball. Correspondent. Chicago.

March 16, 2008

Phil Watch: An Addendum

Phil double downed on Saturday and I missed it.

Though nothing in the realm of stupid like Rays fight + Billy Crystal = No passion to play the Red Sox, there's a few nuggets.

Let's get started:

The Cubs, Red Sox, Diamondbacks and Phillies need to pick up the pace a little bit. Entering the weekend, those four 2007 playoff teams were among the 10 biggest losers this spring. There was only one playoff team from among the 10 teams with the worst records last spring

Okay. I'm going to say this once and I will never speak of it again, mainly because just typing makes Christo angry. Sad angry, sort of a shaking-head-toss-my-hands-up-in-desperation angry.

It's. Spring. Training.
It. Does. Not. Count.

When the Yankees field a lineup like this on June 18, I'll begin to consider any article that starts with such silliness.

Christian?
Battle?
Corona?
Anson?
Curtis?
Ransom?
Miranda?




Sounds like a lineup from Hardball on the Commodore 64.





And this is who the Yankees sent to the mound.

Heard of 40% of these guys? Me either.

So stop being a moron.

Kyle Lohse contributed to winning teams in Minnesota and Philadelphia but wore out his welcome in both places. He should help the Cardinals, but general manager John Mozeliak signed him out of desperation, not desire, after Lohse priced himself out of the free-agent market this winter. …

As an aside, there's something superatively funny about Lohse seeking a five year/$50 million package at the beginning of the free agent season and ending up signing a one year/$4.25 million contract. 'Priced himself out' is a bit of an understatement.

I add this Phil nugget for a reason...

The Phillies beat the odds by making the playoffs with a 4.91 ERA from their starting pitchers last season, and that deficit might have worsened with Lohse's departure. Charlie Manuel's starters have been getting pounded this spring, including ace Cole Hamels.

...and that's why.

The Phillies were indeed bad last year with starting pitching-type numbers.

Kyle Lohse was traded to the Phillies on July 30 of last year, making a grand total of 11 starts.

In those starts, he had a 4.72 ERA and a 1.44 WHIP. In his 195 career starts, he has a 4.83 ERA and a 1.43 WHIP. He's bad. He's Jason Marquis. Just a guy fortunate enough to avoid injuries.

How exactly would that deficit worsen this year with the absense of Kyle freakin' Lohse?

I guess technically he's right. Kind of like if you threw a rock at a burning car. Technically, the situation is worse.

Kevin Cash's handling of knuckleballer Tim Wakefield led to the surprising release of Doug Mirabelli. It's still hard to believe the Red Sox gave up Josh Bard, Cla Meredith and cash to get Mirabelli back from San Diego in 2006. What a deal for Padres GM Kevin Towers. …

Doug Mirabelli? Bad. So, not surprising because he's bad. He was only needed because Josh Bard looked like a monkey humping a football when trying to catch Wakefield's knuckleball.

The only reason this was seen as a lopsided trade at the time was because Bard hit out of his gourd immediately following the trade. He still can't lock down the starting job in San Diego because he's kind of bad at catching and throwing baseballs.

And it's not like the Red Sox were a loser in the trade. Their middle relief was solid at the time and Bard was becoming a liability defensively. Meredith had a great 2006 and promptly returned to Earth in 2007, especially with his peripherals.

A bit petty but 'What a Deal'? Meh.

The Braves are raving about right-hander Jair Jurrjens,who came from Detroit in the Edgar Renteria trade. The 22-year-old Jurrjens, a native of Curacao, will break camp in the rotation barring a setback.

I'll be putting this one in my back pocket for future reference. Phil in the past tried to make a case for the Tigers' rotation being 'a lot of fun'. I'm just curious to see how this one plays out.

March 10, 2008

Phil Watch: I'm Shocked...Shocked, I Say

I'm not going to say Phil didn't write this one.
Mainly because I think he did.

But my mind is awhirl with transient nodes of thought.

He used words and concepts previously foreign to his body of work. Most surprisingly, it appears Phil used a search engine.
Or the Trib has a new intern. I don't know.

In the end, putting all speculation aside, it's not a bad article. Not particularly great, but...you know...not bad.

An accident akin to a thousand monkeys at a thousand typewriters?

You make the call.

Let's get started.

Corey Patterson spent six seasons in Chicago, never fulfilling the expectations set for him when the Cubs took him with the third pick overall in the 1998 draft. His best play was for Dusty Baker in the first half of the 2003 season, when he had made himself into an All-Star candidate before tearing up a knee when he hit the first-base bag awkwardly.

It's well-documented that Phil wants Dusty's children. Within that context, the Reds' signing of Patterson made this article a bit of a fait accompli. And attributing Patterson's '03 success in any way, shape or form to Dusty Baker is a bit stupid given the fact he managed him for two more years to terrible results. Gotta take the good with the bad. No cherry-picking.

But it's only completely stupid if he continues his hard-on for Dusty.

Baker and Patterson reunited last week in Sarasota, Fla., with the Cincinnati Reds bringing the unsigned Patterson to camp to join a wide-open battle in center-field.

Again. A bit confusing that Phil would declare the centerfield position in Cincinnati wide-open given Phil's propensity to use wildly out-of-control superlatives for prospects (see Gio Gonzalez and Fautino de los Santos) and not take into account that Jay Bruce, the Minor League Player of the Year last year, is not in some way the heir-apparent in center for the Reds.

But whatever.

Those aren't horrible averages (.276 & .269), especially for someone who is a defensive asset, but Patterson's unwillingness to walk has left him with a career on-base percentage of only .298. He has almost five times more strikeouts than walks, including 142 whiffs and only 19 walks in 2002, his first full season in the big leagues.

What..The...Hell...Did...I...Just...Read?

Christo confused.

Let's get the bad news out of the way. Defensive asset? Meh. 'Asset' may be a bit strong. How about defensive-not-brutally-terrible-but-not-really-that-great-either type (DNBTBNRTGET).

But Phil mentioned OBP! And he used it at the beginning of an evaluation, not as an afterthought! What the...

And K/BB ratio? Two-for-two! Personally, I knew Patterson was pretty terrible at such things, but I didn't know 2002 was that bad. Holy crap, that's awful. I mean comically awful. I would think a player would have to try to be that bad. If so, good job.

And it took an extreme example of inherent badness like Patterson for Phil to find it relevant but it's a start. Or something.

But, you know, there are worse players out there. Heck, Edgardo Alfonzo is in the Rangers' camp. And while his K rate has been historically awful, it's improved lately, if ever so slightly. But still, in his 924 abs in Baltimore the last two years, Patterson walked...42 times.

Both Don Baylor and Baker were frustrated by Patterson's unwillingness with the Cubs to make adjustments in his swing-for-the-fences style. But Patterson appreciates the familiar face.

I have a question. Not really for Phil, just a general question regarding the brilliance that is Dusty Baker.

If Baker was indeed frustrated with Patterson's swing-for-the-fences style, then why in the hell did he bat him third for 37 games in 2003?

It gets better. Following a mule-like stubbornness on the part of Patterson to adjust his swing, Baker hit him first or second for 102 games in 2004.

It took months like these to finally drop Patterson in Baker's lineup in 2005.

Now we know that Baker doesn't believe in 'clogging up the bases', so I guess it fits.

In a related note, FireJoeMorgan.com is diligently following 'The New Dustiness' in Cincinnati.

Baker wants Dunn and Votto to swing more...because walks are what pussies take.

Same shit, different city. Should be good.

March 06, 2008

Phil Watch: The Twins Could Be Dangerous?

No. No they can't.

For now, they're bad, Phil.

And it's okay to say that. It doesn't have to be a scathing preview, just, you know, a little less limp than something that sounds like you're writing for HGTV.

And I giggled when Phil used 'bromides' in the first paragraph. Kinda like Ann Coulter describing someone as a shrill, manipulative harpy.

Let's get started.

The word in the Minnesota Twins' camp this spring is "162+ (no excuses)."

Translated, this means: Sure we lost Torii Hunter, Johan Santana and general manager Terry Ryan, but we plan on playing some playoff games anyway. It is not the least bit realistic, not in a division that includes the powerhouses in Cleveland and Detroit, but raise your hands if you saw the White Sox coming in 2005, the Tigers in '06 or even the Indians in '07.

That's more than one word.

Rewritten: The number and plus sign following by two words in parentheses in the Minnesota Twins' camp this spring is "162+ (no excuses)."

I'm feeling petty today. Blame Ohio and Texas.

Back to more important matters. Does Terry Ryan hit or pitch? I haven't heard of this guy. Is he good?

Oh, BTW, he's still the Twins' senior advisor. He didn't die.

Analyze Ryan's trade history and tell me, outside of the Pierzynski for Liriano/Nathan/Bonser trade (Giants were the dipshits there), that he was some sort of baseball guru. I dare ya. He did a decent job and it stops there.

Moving on. What's Phil building to? He mentioned three AL Central teams w/r/t their performances over three consecutive years. He's not gonna...

The American League Central teams that won six postseason series over the last three years were a combined 22 games below .500 the year before they reached the World Series or, in the case of last year's Indians, expired on the threshold of the Series. So why, then, couldn't the perennially-in-transition Twins pull off a surprise this season?

Oh No He Didn't!

What? Who? How? Why?

This is what Phil wrote on January 30 in response to the Santana trade:

Without Hunter and Santana, the Twins are going to have trouble finishing .500 the next few seasons.

Which one is it? And I'm getting sick of writing 'which one is it?' Are the Twins going to 'surprise' like the Sox, Tigers and Indians did in the last three years or are they going to have trouble finishing .500? I hardly think six spring training games and the acquisition of Livan Hernandez did anything for rational humans to make type of leap.

And because other teams in a regionally-placed division happened to have success recently, that means the Twins have a shot at winning 90 games this year?!?!?!?!?!?!

I would have more respect for this if Phil injected some astrology into the argument, saying 'the moon is in Pisces, bringing good fortune to anyone wearing a Twins baseball hat.'

More respect. Absolutely no justification for it but at least it's an argument. Cuckoo for Coco Puffs argument...but an argument nonetheless. Not that.

The career .232 hitter (Gardenhire) has guided the Twins to four 90-victory seasons and only one losing one, when they went 11-16 in September to wind up four games below .500.

Why include that? Does Gardenhire hit? I have to watch more Twins games. Gardenhire's takin' swings?

Chuck Knoblauch, David Ortiz, Doug Mientkiewicz, A.J. Pierzynski, Eddie Guardado, LaTroy Hawkins, Kyle Lohse and Jacque Jones are among the players who were traded for economic reasons or left as free agents. Right fielder Michael Cuddyer is the only holdover player from 2002, which was the year Gardenhire replaced Kelly.

Kyle fucking Lohse. Somebody please send a memo to Phil that Lohse is bad. I'm too tired.

Career: 63-74, 4.82 ERA and a 1.43 WHIP. That's bad. Not even a left-hander.

Personally, I think the impetus of this column was to give Jacque Jones yet another reach-around. He's the ring leader of the 'Jacque Jones for the Hall of Fame' fan club.

Oh, I forgot. He'll probably just forget to vote.

Thirty of the 60 players in Minnesota's camp are new this spring, either added from other organizations or elevated through the Twins' efficient farm system.

Right there! There's your lead. Everybody knows that the Twins traded away the ship. But I didn't know that exactly half of camp is new. I knew it was a lot, but not exactly half. See. That's information to build around and starts a column with a pop, not some dippy slogan crap. I learned something in a Phil column. It was two-thirds of the way into the column but I learned something.

The newcomers include 22-year-old left fielder Delmon Young, who hit .288 and drove in 93 runs for Tampa Bay last season, and known-quantity free agents Livan Hernandez, Adam Everett and Mike Lamb.

Known-quantity? (In Frank Constanza voice) What the hell does that mean?

Picking up Hernandez was a solid move. He'll eat innings and probably eat everything in the clubhouse (Ba-dum).

But Adam Everett is pretty bad at hitting baseballs. If known-quantity means you know he'll be bad, I get it.

Mike Lamb might be the definition of replacement player (if his average were 20 points lower, he would be). He's already 32, rarely takes a walk and, if given 550 abs this year, will strike out 100 times.

How do these additions build on anything resembling a 'Twins surprise' argument?

Count Gardenhire's Twins out at your own risk. They dare you.

I'll take that dare. If the Twins finish over .500, I'll eat a bag of glass.

March 03, 2008

Phil Watch: He's Getting Voluminous Again

Hot off Saturday's turd that caused Boers to hand it to him in afternoon drive yesterday, Phil offers us this.
BTW, he came off as much of a stumbling old boob as I envisioned. Me likes it when things match up.

Let's get started.

Dontrelle Willis looks good with a bat in his hand. He knows what to do with it too.

Willis set a record with 15 home runs in his Little League, collected three hits against the Cubs in a playoff game and batted .286 last season, when he averaged one extra-base hit every nine at-bats--not that any of this means anything to his new team, the Detroit Tigers.

How this is relevant, IDK (I've been working on my shit-ass internet speak). Maybe he's building to something. But I have a question. Is that the worldwide Little League record?

What's the criteria? Just askin'.

Unless Bud Selig abolishes the designated hitter rule, Willis won't be going to the plate anytime soon. He insists he won't miss it.

He's not so why write it. This is the kind of shit that comes from people who have little to say.

Kind of like listening to first-year journalism students in Basic Reporting class demonstrate what they think an intro and nut graph are (Yes, I know I ended that with a preposition. Fuck you. It's hip now).

For Willis and the Tigers' other pitchers, including ace Justin Verlander and 2006 World Series holdovers Jeremy Bonderman, Kenny Rogers and Nate Robertson, it could be a lot of fun.

Ambiguous enough for you? A lot of fun? That nails down the crux of Detroit's rotation.

Again.

Bonderman? 2-8 with a 7.38 ERA in the second half last year.

Robertson? Bad. He's Garland without the inexplicably amazing win every third start.

Rogers? 98 years-old and coming off pretty major elbow surgery (arteries).

I wonder if Phil will mention a bullpen consisting of players with names like Grilli, Seay, Brydak and Miner (yes, that Jason Grilli)? Rodney has tendinitis in his shoulder and Zumaya isn't due back until July at the earliest. Closer? Todd Jones.

I wonder if he'll at least talk about it.

And again, I'm not sayin'. I'm just sayin'. These are concerns.

The Tigers added Miguel Cabrera, arguably baseball's best young hitter, rock-solid shortstop Edgar Renteria and left fielder Jacque Jones to an already loaded lineup after missing the playoffs last season.

One of these kids is doin' his own thing. One of these kids is not like the other.

C'mon. It's odd to include Jacque Jones in the discussion. It's just odd.

There's no longer room for Brandon Inge, who hit .273 as the third baseman in the '06 playoffs.

Why include that? .273 in the playoffs. Is this a stream-of-consciousness column? Just include a detail - any detail - that's in front of you?

Fuck it. I'm going to do it as well. Tonight, I took a shit. It was funny that I had to go because I had already did it today but I guess I ate a decent amount of food to warrant it. And it was nice that the new Baseball America showed up because it gave me somethinnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

...Sorry. I fell asleep on my keyboard just typing it.

With a collection of hitters that includes the 24-year-old Cabrera, Magglio Ordonez, Gary Sheffield, Curtis Granderson and Carlos Guillen, the Tigers may have surpassed the Red Sox, Yankees and Angels as the most dangerous team in the majors.

Offensive team. Offensive team in the majors. Pitching counts in these leagues that are considered big.

Consider this: Cabrera, who has averaged 32 homers and 115 RBIs in his four full big-league seasons, will hit fourth; the three men in front of him (Granderson, Placido Polanco and Ordonez) batted a combined .335 and scored 344 runs a year ago.

And the pièce de résistance:

Top four offensive teams by year based on runs scored:

2006: NYY, CLE, CWS, PHI. Only the Yankees made the playoffs. Cards 14th.

2005: NYY, BOS, TEX, CIN. Only two made it. White Sox finished 13th.

2004: NYY, BOS, CWS, TEX. Only two made it again. Boston was first.

2003: NYY, BOS, ATL, TOR. Three made it. Florida was 17th.

2002: NYY, BOS, CWS, LAA. Two made it. Angels were 21st in home runs.

2001: TEX, SFG, CWS, COL. None made it. D'Backs were 8th.

Go here and here to check for yourself.

Just some thoughts. Pitching matters...a lot.

Granderson, the center fielder from Illinois-Chicago, agrees.

Pandering to the base.

He's the least experienced cog in a lineup that could have 14-time All-Star Ivan Rodriguez hitting eighth.

Do you know why Ivan Rodriguez will hit eighth? Because he's bad at touching first base in a safe manner lately.

OBP in the last three years: .290, .332, .294. That's Pedro Feliz territory.

Pitching is the question with the Tigers. They have no clear No. 2 starter behind Verlander--Willis has the pedigree but Bonderman is the best bet--and the bullpen is thin behind all-guts closer Todd Jones. They figure to pound a lot of opponents into submission, but their season could turn on whether they lose too many 9-7 games.

See. Was that so hard? Just mention it. And not in the second to last paragraph.

And what the hell does 'all-guts' mean? Does it mean bad and inexplicable as to how Leyland thinks he's a good idea to close baseball games? If it does, then I get it.

4.26 ERA, a 1.42 WHIP and a veritable cornucopia of Thigpenesque saves last year. Really. He's bad. He's 40 years-old, looks like a truck driver and kinda bad. Study these gamelogs and tell me if you want him closing for your team.

Give Willis seven runs and he'll take his chances.

Phil bets on that as the Tigers' #2/#3 pitcher.

March 01, 2008

Phil Watch: He Wants To Fuck The Rays Mascot

It's the only explanation, really.
This turd is the third article in a month discussing the Tampa Bay Rays for Phil.

From a guy...who writes..for a Chicago newspaper.

In the last month or so, Phil's coverage of spring training has given us three columns on the Rays and one about the Reds' signing of Jeremy fuckin' Affeldt, outside of the Cubs and Sox. That's it.

Your national baseball correspondent, gentlemen.

Maybe he has Alzheimer's and thinks he writes for the St. Petersburg Times.

I don't know. He's a strange bird.

Let's get started.

Last week's mini-firestorm about the Tampa Bay Rays' interest in Bonds was not a smoke screen. Despite general manager Andrew Friedman saying this was a "non-story" there's no doubt the St. Petersburg Times had it right. The Rays, especially principal owner Stuart Sternberg, are monitoring the availability of Bonds, who still might be capable of a 40-homer season at Tropicana Field.

Okay. Let's give a timeline. Phil submitted this story late Saturday afternoon.

On Thursday, Rays GM Andrew Friedman said this:

"If I didn't entertain ideas, be it a signing of a great hitter like Bonds or a trade, I should be fired," general manager Andrew Friedman says. "But that is past."

This is the article that Phil is referencing. It was written last Monday.

Smoke-screen? "Non-story"?

Here's a thought. Use these internets and see if your story is still in the least bit relevant or even correct. Ya know, based in facts before you get all uppity.

And 40 homers in Tropicana? That would presuppose at least an above-average park factor, right? Nope. Below the curve. 18th, actually.

Really. It's two clicks away.

Signing Bonds might allow the Rays to trade one of their outfielders, either Rocco Baldelli or Jonny Gomes. But it would mean they'd have to play Bonds or Cliff Floyd in the outfield, as the rules only give them one designated hitter.

So, in your opinion, the Rays should sign a 43 year-old outfielder with the definition of baggage for one year and who is absolutely brutal at doing outfieldy-type things while trading a 26 year-old five-tool player in Baldelli to make room?

Can I make absolutely ludicrous suggestions, too? Please!

I think the Angels should trade a six boxes of baseballs and a strap-on dildo to the Mets for Johan Santana. Just a thought. And since I thought it, I should write it.

Internal dialogue, Phil. Keep a few things to yourself.

Nothing could be stupider in realm of stupid thoughts written by the stupid.

If Friedman wanted to really roll the dice, he would sign Bonds and then trade his most marketable chip, Carl Crawford, for pitching and prospects. The Rays think they have a chance to be taken seriously this year, with or without Bonds, but it would be fun to see him battle the Yankees in New York and the Red Sox in Boston.

And I'm wrong.

That is the stupidest thing I've heard in weeks. If I were to close my eyes and imagine the stupidest person in the world was standing in front of me, he (or she, probably he) would say something closer to the same continent as logical as what Phil wrote.

Wait...

He said, "I think The Black Dahlia is a masterwork of postmodern filmmaking."

...Phil's is more dumb.

And that last sentence is pretty telling. He secretly likes Bonds. He wants a three-way with Bonds and the Rays' mascot.

Where else could Bonds fit?

Cleveland, but only if the Indians were willing to play him in left field.

Again, bad at catching baseballs and the definition of baggage for a team already pretty good at hitting baseballs where people with gloves aren't.

The Los Angeles Angels, although he would have to rotate in and out of the lineup if Vlad Guerrero, Garret Anderson and Gary Matthews Jr. are all healthy.

JHC! You're a baseball writer! The Angels are already vexed as to how to get Guerrero, Hunter, Anderson, Matthews and Rivera in the same lineup. Let's sign Bonds. That clears things up.

Bonds probably has done enough to deserve to be exiled, but it will be a shame if he can't find one team to give him a shot.

"Probably has done enough to deserve to be exiled" and "a shame if he can't find a team".

Shame. Done enough. And...shame.

Nope. I spoke too soon. That's more dumb.

He then moves on to other silliness.

While the White Sox have imported Tomo Ohka to add depth to their corps of rotation candidates, the Red Sox are bringing Bartolo Colon to camp in hopes of easing the load on young starters Jon Lester and Clay Buchholz.

The Ohka comparison couldn't be more snide. Kenny didn't return another phone call.

The White Sox explored signing Colon but apparently weren't willing to beat a guarantee of $1.25 million that could grow to $7 million.

Well first, it's a minor league contract, not 'guaranteed', meaning he has to make the 40-man roster. Kinda relevant. If he comes out throwing 88 mph, LIKE HE HAS ALL WINTER, in no real of theoretical universe will the Red Sox pick up his contract. Hence, not really guaranteed.

And this is what Phil wrote on Monday, February 18. So...pretty fresh.
"Reinsdorf continues to spend millions — the payroll could be in the range of $115 million to $120 million, behind only the Yankees, Red Sox, Tigers and Angels — and Williams keeps trading away minor-leaguers he will miss down the road, all in the hope of being one of 2008's surprises."
So which one is it? Are the Sox irresponsibly spendy or should they spend more? And a contract for Colon that would most likely be incentive-laden in only innings pitched - maxing out at $7 million - is a good idea?

Being an Angels fan, I'm acutely aware of the risk in signing Colon. At one point last year, I expected him to contract the bubolic plague because there wasn't anything left that could go wrong with him. He's a fat tub of lard.

How exactly would that have been a wise decision?

It's Phil-logic.

And don't forget Phil-math.

Good to have Phil back. Like Rex Morgan, M.D., he's got the cure for the daily blues.