Anyone ever have a wildly irresponsible friend?You know, the kind of guy who gets drunk and tries to jump off the roof of the apartment just to see if he can do it without breaking his leg.
And this friend on occasion - say every three years or so - asks to borrow your car to see if he can drive to Midway and back in an hour to, you know, just see if can do it.
And every three years or so you have say, "Hell no!"
He counters with "What's going to happen? You can't predict accidents. You could get into an accident tomorrow!"
And you have to sit him down like he's a five year-old and tell him, "That's the difference, little one. It's my car...and I'm driving. If something happens, it's going to be on me, not because I gave the keys to some dope who's bored and wants to prove how big his dick is."
That's what Phil seems to be missing when ripping into John Danks for passing on the World Baseball Classic today.
Seriously, this is why people don't read newspapers anymore.
Let's get started.
White Sox fans are very proud of John Danks. He declined the chance to play for the U.S. in the World Baseball Classic, saying he wants to make sure he's prepared for the 2009 season.
This is a very popular position for him to take, but it raises a couple of questions:
• Why can't a 23-year-old in great shape make two or three starts in March, working with strict pitch limits and extreme caution, without risking his readiness for the season?
• Why would the U.S. want Danks in the first place?
Let's see. Danks just completed a season where he pitched 40 more innings than he has ever thrown and is coming into a season where the Sox are going to rely on him heavily with the back of the rotation so up in the air.
I know! He should skip the bulk of Spring Training with the Sox and go play in some dippy Bug Selig creation with absolutely no point just because he can. Let's hand the keys to your brand-new car to someone else. Why not?
Phil's first question begs another question. If every player in the "Classic" is going to have to be treated with kid gloves, then why do it? It's not even a real game. It's cutesy bullshit.
Phil's second question begs a "Huh?"
He's a good pitcher and a tough competitor with a great future. Every major-league team would want to have him on its roster. But he has had one strong season in the big leagues. Does that qualify him to represent his country?
Love it! "Represent his country," like it's some Olympian honor where people train their whole lives just for the miniscule chance to compete in something that will most likely define the rest of their lives.
That's what this is NOT!
Who'd a thunk it? Phil has taken a position on the World Baseball Classic that's even more idiotic than anything Rick Telander could offer. It's like Telander on crack, chockablock with dreamy, pie-eyed international wonderfulness.
What about CC Sabathia? Or Brandon Webb? Or at least a half-dozen others, such as Cole Hamels, Tim Lincecum, Roy Halladay, Derek Lowe, John Lackey and Cliff Lee?
Or Mickey Morandini? Or Lenny Dykstra?
You take any four of those eight guys, you have a serious staff, a real All-Star team, the kind of team that was envisioned when Commissioner Bud Selig and his staffers dreamed up the WBC.
Yes. The kind of ideas that come from dreams. Then you wake up, give it ten minutes and realize that idea was borderline retarded.
But unfortunately, major-league dugouts and front offices are populated by far too many short-sighted, self-interested players and executives.
Yeah. God forbid try to protect your investment. That's just stupid business sense.
Notice that Phil hasn't told us WHY the WBC is remotely a good idea yet?
The second edition of the WBC gets here in March, three years after the inaugural, in which the U.S. went 3-3 and failed to advance to the four-team final round.
That was such a blow to my patriotism. I felt like less of an American that day.
Once again the U.S. has put together a team lacking the bulk of American talent, limiting the possible success of the event before it even begins.
Can this country take another blow to its already diminished status around the world?
Sabathia, Webb and those other six starting pitchers are among the huge group of American stars who didn't submit their names for inclusion on the provisional roster or whose names were pulled back before the roster was released.
Sabathia pitched 40,000 innings last year and just signed a 40 year deal worth 40 bazillion dollars. The Yankees should allow him to run out there on the mother of all short rests for no real reason.
That plan is flawless! This isn't play money, Phil. It's real, like money that can buy stuff.
...The guys who are eager to play, like the Cubs' Derrek Lee and the White Sox's Matt Thornton, deserve credit for getting it.
Derrek Lee and Matt Thornton are better Americans than C.C. Sabathia and Brandon Webb.
Traitors. Somebody call Michelle Bachmann.
The WBC should be a welcome break from the drudgery of spring training. It's surprising that more players don't look at it like this.
My God, Phil. Just have sex for Selig and get it over with.
Phil here alludes to complaints on the part of some players recently that Spring Training is too long, which it probably is.
Congratulations. He just gave reason #10,659 why NOT to extend the preseason with kitschy little 'World Competitions'. To be game-ready (or what is supposed to approximate 'game-ready' for for this crap), position players have to start training two weeks earlier than usual and pitchers would need three. You know...to be stupid-ass "Classic"-ready.
It is supposed to be real games, right? Not time for pitchers to work on specific pitches and hone their location like Spring Training games are, right?
Freakin' great plan.
...Bottom line: Baseball players shouldn't be afraid to play baseball.
Thems fightin' words.
Derrek Lee = Rambo. Webb = Aldrich Ames.
I nominate this column as a top fiver in the Phil anthology, behind recommending the Rays sign Barry Bonds because it would be fun to see him hit in Fenway but ahead of the entire column dedicated to the wonders of Jeremy Affeldt.
Phil was a voluminous little fucker again this Sunday with no mid-week columns.
His second long-form offering discusses the sale of the Cubs to the Ricketts family. It gives nothing in the way of substance outside of recapping the obvious with a few dippy Cub fan '100 year' jokes thrown in.
But here's two nuggets:
That way, when Phil achieves immaculate conception and has Greg Maddux's baby, he'll be closer for family time.
President. Greg Maddux. Jus cuz he's all Cubbie and shit.
...(discussing the renovation of Wrigley Field) For this to happen, the Cubs may have to shift a season's worth of games to U.S. Cellular Field and possibly even Milwaukee's Miller Park—and the sooner the better. Why not get the work done in time for the 2014 season, allowing fans to celebrate Wrigley's 100th anniversary in a much-improved park?
The Cubs should rearrange theirs and two other teams' entire schedules because 100 is a round number. It's pretty. Oh, so pretty.
