Phil Watch: It's Been Awhile

Last night's 11-3 loss to the Orioles coupled with the Twins' come-from-behind win proves yet again that Kenny Williams and Ozzie Guillen are too arrogant to understand the complexities and importance of every game in August.

Uhhh...wait. Jay doesn't write for a Chicago newspaper anymore.

But unlike Jay, I don't want Phil to go away. He's my muse, a man truly tapped into the mind of dippy Chicago Baseball Fans (an Icky Eight contender in BRE's TOA-AE).

He does the work so I don't have to.

When Mate, Rube and I used to play pickle in Mate's side yard, conversations like this used to happen.

We were eight.

Sox are Cubs' worst nightmare

Nightmare scenario for North Siders is finally getting to World Series and seeing team with nothing to lose

Beware the sneak attack.

I think that's a gay joke and it's entirely uncalled for.

In baseball, more than any other sport, it's unwise to draw attention to yourself. First-round draft picks who come with hype often turn out to be Corey Patterson or Kip Wells. The trades that don't make big headlines, like the White Sox's deal for Carlos Quentin, often turn out to be a lot better than the ones that are analyzed in day-by-day detail for weeks, like the Mets' addition of Johan Santana.

Boy, it HAS been awhile. Christo forgets.

Um...yeah. Phil himself gave Johan Santana a reach-around by comparing him to Sandy Koufax and Bob Gibson a mere eight months ago and thought giving up Chris Carter was another bad move by Kenny because - drum-roll - giving up prospects is bad.

So...you know...hype and big headlines...Phil means his own oeuvre.

Just ask those New York Yankees. They have won exactly one of their last six playoff series—being "upset" by Florida (2003), Boston ('04), the Angels ('05), Detroit ('06) and Cleveland ('07)—and find themselves awaiting regular-season extinction this time around. Headlines, sadly, are like Alex Rodriguez. They can't hit in the clutch.

I'm already tired. I have the demented melancholy of a Tennessee Williams heroine.

Alex Rodriguez has a lifetime .303 average with RISP. He's hit...oh, hell, just go here.

It seems Jay may be going to Boston. Maybe Phil wants to go to New York? He'd fit right in with the 'JETER RULES!' crowd.

This brings me to the newest nightmare scenario for the Cubs: A date with the White Sox in the World Series.

[Flashback to 1980] "Rube, you're a pud. No way the Brewers'll play the White Sox in the playoffs."

"Yeah they will. Shut up. Ben Oglivie and Moose Haas are awesome!"

"The White Sox are going to win the World Series. Burns and Dotson are more awesome."

"What if the Cubs played the White Sox in the World Series?"

"Shut up, Christo. The Cubs suck."

"Let's go to Casey's and get Suzy-Qs."

There's little doubt the Lou Crew is not only the best team in Chicago but the best in the majors. No lineup is as deep as the one that goes from Alfonso Soriano through Jim Edmonds and Reed Johnson. No rotation is as talented and as durable as the one that begins with Carlos Zambrano and runs through Jason Marquis. No bullpen has more impact arms than the one with Kerry Wood, Carlos Marmol and Jeff Samardzija.

"The Cubs are so awesome, man, they're so awesome, Samardzija rules! Go Cubs, YEAH! WOOOOOOOO!!!!!

But the Cubs won't want any part of the White Sox in October. If this is going to be the year the North Siders scratch their 100-year itch, it won't include a matchup against the Sox in October.

DINGDINGDINGDING!!!! And that's the one ga-jillionth time I've heard about the '100-year itch' in the last month.

Under normal circumstances, I am one of those rare people who believe Chicago's baseball fans should all get along—that it's silly to root against the Cubs just because you're a White Sox fan, or vice versa. But these are hardly normal circumstances, right?

Shouldn't this really be the normal circumstances? Or maybe the circumstances that put mindless platitudes to the test? All Chicago Baseball Fans (IECITBREsTOA-AE) should probably worry about their own damn team ALL THE TIME!

With five weekends left before baseball's postseason passion play begins, it's looking more and more likely that the Cubs and White Sox will both earn spots in the field. It has only been 102 years since that happened.

Umm. The Cubs are in but I'd ask White Sox fans whether it seems 'more and more likely' that the Sox will earn a spot in the playoffs.

The Cubs were expected to make it. The White Sox, leading the American League Central by two games and almost even with Boston on the wild-card landscape, would be surprise guests—the worst kind from the perspective of other teams. A team with almost nothing to lose.

But, but, but, but...Phil just said it's 'more and more likely'! Christo needs a drink.

We're getting ahead of ourselves, sure. But imagine the fear and loathing in Wrigleyville if the Cubs advance to the World Series for the first time since 1945 and have to start the event at U.S. Cellular Field, where Michael Barrett couldn't budge A.J. Pierzynski with a sucker punch, where Jerry Reinsdorf put staffers in tuxedos to deliver World Series rings to Mark Buehrle and the fellows a mere 29 months ago.

"I think Jerry Stenulson is going to hit a thousand home runs in Pony League next year."

Wouldn't it be just like the Cubs to put together arguably their best team ever and have it lose the World Series to a White Sox team that had been picked for third place or worse?

At least he didn't write 'ultimate irony'. I'm trying to find the bright side of things, here.

He also didn't write "Dusty Baker should be managing this team. He deserves it."

See. Good things have come from this.

More to the point, wouldn't it be just like the White Sox once again to outplay their crosstown neighbors with the bigger fan base, superior resources and historic ballpark?

Anybody else love what Obama said about Cub fans yesterday? And Derrek Lee agreeing with it? And the calls to 670 from Cub fans?

'Member that? That was awesome.

While the Cubs have continued to stretch their margin for making the playoffs—a comfortable 10 games when their sweep of Pittsburgh was completed Wednesday—the White Sox have shown strong signs of outlasting Minnesota for their second AL Central title in the last four years.

Wouldn't it be awesome if the Sox could play the Reds and Pirates 18 times a year? And the entire NL West. That would be awesome.

They are pitching well again—compiling a 3.98 staff ERA in August after marks of 4.44 in July and 5.14 in June—in part because lefty Clayton Richard and right-hander Lance Broadway have more than filled Jose Contreras' spot.

Filling in so well that they have a combined 6.81 ERA. I don't think any Sox fan wants to rely on these two right now.

They go to Boston this weekend with a chance to be measured head-to-head with the defending World Series champion Red Sox, who are in what has become a three teams-for-two playoff spots battle with the White Sox and Minnesota. Most analysts favor Chicago's Sox to last into October.

Well, shit. Let's end the season. Analysts favor the Sox. Let's call it by acclamation.

Any team that makes it to October is a threat to win it all.

Thank You, Captain Obvious.

Imagine how Cub fans are going to feel if their supposed once-every-century season ends with them being overshadowed by the White Sox, of all surprise guests.

"Girls are bleeeecccchhhh!"