Phil Watch: Oh, Brother

Big Weekend for Phil.

Five, count them, five articles from Phil with the Hall of Fame induction on Sunday and the trade deadline this week.

I can't tell you anything about his HOF article because I fell asleep after the third paragraph.  I challenge you to not do the same.  I think Phil was running out of gas.  

It's hard work, this baseball writing and stuff.  Can you imagine having to write 3,000 words a week that comprises of never having to pick up the phone while taking most of your quotes from MLB.com's beat writers?  It's hard.

Let's get started with Power Rankings For Morons:

1. Yankees (3): Alex Rodriguez is playing with a mission after hip surgery and his steroid revelations. He turns 34 on Monday but is showing he's not too old to learn new tricks, like hitting in the clutch and playing within a team concept. Thirty-one of his 55 RBIs either tied the game or gave the Yankees the lead.

l;KJ['98afwewg8uiovbncjw!!!!  Already crapped my pants.  This is going to be a long one.  

I challenge Phil to show me one instance in A-Rod's career when he did something that was not within a team concept.  

I don't have the energy to get into this 'A-Rod isn't clutch' bullshit.  It's right here.  You do the work.

3. Red Sox (1): Last week's five-game losing streak has unsettled Red Sox Nation, which holds its breath when anyone other than Jon Lester or Josh Beckett is on the mound. The addition of Adam LaRoche has done nothing to spark a lineup that was fourth in the AL in scoring in June but has slipped to 10th in July.

Phil filed this on Saturday morning.  As of Saturday morning, Adam LaRoche hadn't had an at-bat with the Red Sox.  

Adam's a jerk.  His non-playing essence hadn't been anything to 'spark' the Carmines.

8. Rockies (5): Might have grabbed wild-card lead too early. Could be tougher to maintain position than to take it.

Would somebody tell me what the fuckity-fucking fuck that fucking means!!!!!!????

That easily goes directly into the top 10 of the stupidest things Phil has ever written.

I say #6 without checking.

11. Tigers (13): Keep an eye on Justin Verlander. He's made four 120-plus-pitch starts. The Royals' Gil Meche wound up on the disabled list shortly after his third of that length.

(Trying...not...to...make...a...Dusty...Phil...hummer...joke)  Alright, I could be wrong but I've been told on good authority that Verlander and Meche aren't the same person.  The logistics alone of pitching for two different teams under two different names without anyone catching on with be a nightmare.  Imagine when they play each other.  I don't think it could happen.

15. Braves (21): Finally, the run we'd been waiting for. The starting rotation has been the key but don't overlook the contributions from Yunel Escobar, Brain McCann and others.

I love it when Phil tells us to not overlook players ('don't be surprised' is another Phil-ism).  It's the kind of stuff that comes from people who probably did some overlooking themselves in life so they overcompensate by couching it in language that falsely asserts some sense of authority after the fact.  Ya know, like guys who steer a perfectly normal conversation into some subject that just read an article on and then talk about it like they're the freakin' messiah on the subject.

 

19. Astros (18): Traditional second-half climbers, they swept St. Louis last week but still haven't proven their staying power. Expect a move or two before the deadline.

32-20 since May 28.  No staying power?  That's a 100-win pace over a full season. 

And no significant moves will happen.  GM Ed Wade has been on the record numerous times on that.  It's called the internet.  Use it.

Dope.

A prospect of some note was traded from St. Louis this week.  Phil took time out of a three day sobbing fit to write some stuff on it.  

Brett Wallace never played a game for the St. Louis Cardinals. He did get into one at Busch Stadium, however, and he was cheered by St. Louis fans like he was already one of the franchise's greats.

The sports media collectively wet their pants over Brett Wallace when the trade happened.  The formula certainly played itself out quite well.  All the writers caught the Futures Game where Wallace went 0-2 with two walks and heard the announcers blowing him during every at-bat.  Poof!  They know everything they need to know about Brett Wallace.

But...

Wallace, viewed as the future of the franchise since being landed in the first round of the 2007 draft, batted third for the United States team in the Futures Game two weeks ago. He put on a show in batting practice, hitting line drives all around the field before sending some balls in the seats.

I know when I see batting practice, nothing gets me all tingley like seeing line drives off a 70 year-old coach throwing 65 MPH.

Want to know more about Brett Wallace?

He's 6'1", 245 lbs!  God.  Dang!  The BMI indicator puts him into the "obese" category.

More?

His defense is bleech.  One scout went so far to say, "He can hit but he throws like a girl."

So he will being moving from third base in the future when he ascends to the throne of "The Future Of Some Franchise."  

So...in St. Louis...would he have gone to first base?  Well...they have this guy over there that they're quite high on.  Time will tell, though.

Outfield?  245 lbs.  Put him in center because I need to see that.

DH?  Oh, wait.  The NL doesn't have one.  

Where's he playing for St. Louis again?

What?  Keep him around as insurance against a Pujols injury?  Keep that instead of sticking Holliday in left in a year where the division is COMPLETELY wide open?  

Brett Wallace is EXACTLY the kind of guy that you sell high on.

Yes, this was the guy the St. Louis fans had read about -- the one who twice won Triple Crowns in the Pac-10 conference while at Arizona State. And he didn't disappoint them in the game, twice working highly regarded prospects for walks before leaving.

Only 22 and already at Triple-A, the sweet-swinging, heavy-legged Wallace seemed poised for a long and productive career as a Cardinal.

And now he's not there any more.

We have an emerging new disease that the CDC should probably keep an eye on.

It's called the Pablo Sandoval Disease.  Just because "The Heavy-Set One" is overcoming his fatness to hit well and play multiple positions well (including catcher, a position reserved for the fat ones), we now can dismiss girth as a possible negative worth examining. 

Oh, and Wallace wasn't exactly chewing up and spitting out Triple-A pitchers this year.

If Beane values him, you sell that.  The other two prospects are worth mentioning.  Phil only cites their names (Baseball America contributor, everyone). 

Ownership's willingness to spend had been question, but now the Cardinals have added about $8 million to an Opening Day payroll of about $88.5 million.

A $96.5 million budget is now bad in Phil's world...for a team with a new ballpark, a fanbase loyal to a fault, averaging over 40,000 per home game and a healthy ownership situation that's more than willing to spend. 

If the budget ISN'T about $96.5 million, THAT would be a tragedy.   

Rick Ankiel, a disappointment this year, has gone from the middle of the lineup to the front of the bench. La Russa plans to play Holliday in left, Colby Rasmus in center and Ryan Ludwick in left.

This is the kind of stuff that started Phil Watch.

Ankiel, since the Holliday trade, has been the center fielder.  Why?

Tell me which player is which:

Player A:  .259/.309/.441 11 hrs, 34 rbi, 57 ks in 297 at-bats with a 23.4 UZR/150 in 92 games

Player B:  .236/.290/.404 7 hrs, 27 rbi, 57 ks in 250 at-bats with a 16.3 UZR/150 in 77 games

They're nearly identical (Rasmus is Player A).  

Both play great defense, Ankiel has more experience and with Holliday, DeRosa and Lugo now in the lineup, there is no added pressure on either to perform.

It is and will be a straight-out platoon because Rasmus is abysmal against lefties.  He's a rookie and had one good month.  Take out June and he's a .230 hitter this year.  

The risk is that something will go wrong and the Cardinals will lose first their playoff standing and then Holliday (a Scott Boras client) as a free agent. This is a high stakes season in St. Louis, no doubt about it.

Well no shit, Sherlock.  Of course it's a risk.  Thank you, Captain Obvious.

But the play here is getting Holliday back to the NL and putting yourself at the front of the line in the Holliday free agent sweepstakes.

The Cardinals have to address the protection of Pujols in the order.  And the suddenly-terrible 2010 free agent class doesn't have it outside of Bay, which Boston has the inside track on.  Holliday would be looking at the Yankees, Yankees and Yankees without this late-season move to St. Louis.  This puts them in the running.   

A one-two punch of Holliday-Pujols for five years makes them a front-runner in that division every year.  

The Cardinals' payroll commitments for the next three years make them absolutely able to make that happen.

2010:  $50.59 million

2011:  $44.19 million

2012:  $13.94 million

Of course, as an Angels fan, I know first-hand how that crap tends to work out (Screw you, Mark).

In short, what would you have them do, Phil?  It's not "high stakes."  It's what smart clubs do when they have the money and will.

Here's an idea.  Instead of sitting back, gauging the rest of the sports world's reaction to any deal and write something that mimics it to the letter, write something with a fresh, intelligent angle.

I forgot.  We got the fresh part.  It's "The Cubs need to dump Zambrano now."

He just missed the intelligent part.