Phil Watch: Moronic Monday

åChristo and Mrs. Ney took a weekend trip back to where it all began Saturday and Sunday.

It's still the same. I could still feel three or four panic attacks going off within a square mile radius and everyone still passes the time by shopping, drinking and morosely bitching about their situation in life.

In other words, par for the course.

So no restaurant/grocery store tales today.

Moronic Monday will get all old-school today and do a feature not seen for about a month.

It's Phil Rogers' Power Rankings For Morons! Seems apt.

Let's get started.

2. Yankees (10): Brian Cashman has a habit of making helpful moves at the trading deadline. He did it again by adding the underrated Xavier Nady and Damaso Marte in the weekend deal with Pittsburgh. He’s still working to add another starting pitcher (Jarrod Washburn?) or catcher before Thursday’s deadline. Hank Steinbrenner might have spurred Cashman into action by leaking his interest in signing Barry Bonds.

And this is why it was time to explore Phil's PRFM again...Barry Bonds.

First, let's clear this up. Cashman was asked about Bonds as an option and he said:

So when Cashman was asked on Friday if he had talked with Jeff Borris, the agent for Barry Bonds, he quickly amended his instinctive response.

“I wouldn’t say,” Cashman said, before waiting a moment and answering definitively. “I have not. I don’t want to take this down the wrong path.”

All this came from a reporter asking Cashman whether Bonds will be discussed in Tampa and Cashman played the 'all options open' card to display his gritty determination to improve the team. He was a dope to not see this coming but after signing Sexson and trading for Nady, where does Bonds hit?

Second, let's review recent quotes by Phil on Bonds. Numero Uno:

If Williams wants to do something dramatic — and isn't that always his style? — he can try to cut a deal with Barry Bonds. That would certainly give Guillen something to chew on. The surly Bonds could replace the respected Thome in the biggest clubhouse shake-up imaginable.

and my personal favorite that's stood the test of time:

If Friedman wanted to really roll the dice, he would sign Bonds and then trade his most marketable chip, Carl Crawford, for pitching and prospects. The Rays think they have a chance to be taken seriously this year, with or without Bonds, but it would be fun to see him battle the Yankees in New York and the Red Sox in Boston.

Phil gets a little pregnant every time he types Bonds' name. And it continues.

4. Cubs (3): You can argue that this is no longer a top-five team, given the 11-11 record in July, but the Cubs’ plus-110 run differential is still the best in the majors. It suggests that they will be able to hold their own in the upcoming four-game series in Milwaukee. It may seem that the Brewers have captured the NL Central mojo, but we don’t remember anyone offering $1.3 billion when Bud Selig’s team was for sale.

And they had a +90 run differential at the end of May. You do the math.

I had to get the mildly annoying thing out of the way before we get to that last sentence.

And for it, I can only say...WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN AND WHAT DOES IT HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING?!

6. Red Sox (2): David Ortiz’s long-awaited return resulted in a 1-0 loss to the Yankees, and now they’re seriously considering trading Manny Ramirez? It’s Panic Time in Beantown!

I hate it when people refer to Boston as Beantown. Not worse than Hotlanta, but still bad.

Did putting Ortiz into the lineup Friday result in negative five runs scored? Ortiz. That bum. He lost that game.

7. Rays (4): The All-Star break couldn’t have come at a better time for the first-time contenders. After dropping seven in a row going into the break, they’ve won their first three series in the second half, showing signs that they might be able to hang with Boston and the Yankees a little longer.

They took two of three from a brutally mediocre Toronto team and a refreshingly lightweight Oakland team at home and split a four game series at Kansas City. 6-4 since the break.

Aside from being wrong about winning three series, that isn't exactly competition that would tell you where they stand in playoff goodness.

9. Mets (12): There’s no way Philadelphia can hang with New York if Johan Santana turns in one of his typical August-September performances. He’s as strong a finisher as there is in the business.

More evidence that Phil concerns himself with about eight things relating to baseball at the beginning of the season and sticks with it throughout the year.

The Mets are 17-6 in July and have a run differential of +56 this month! They're hitting .309 for July, 45 points higher than any month this year. Carlos Delgado, a guy everyone thought was creeping into Richie Sexson futility, is now on pace to hit 34 home runs this year and is hitting .379 for July. Reyes is back to being the superlative leadoff hitter he should be and Wright's found his stroke after a fair to middling start. And oh yeah, Matt Pelfrey record, ERA and every peripheral is the same as Santana's outside of those pretty strikeouts in the last two months.

This team was dead 45 days ago. Santana's a part of the comeback but not even one of the top two or three stories. BTW, that took me about eight minutes to find. And I don't write for a sports column for a living.

11. Phillies (11): Something’s up with Jimmy Rollins this year, and a lot of smart people haven’t been able to figure it out. He hasn’t been quite himself and it has carried over to his team. Could it be a little jealousy after all that Chase Utley MVP talk in April and May?

Read that a couple of times and tell me it's not more dumb than the dumbest of dumb things.

Rollins isn't playing well because of the residual jealousy of Chase Utley MVP talk.

And because he's playing bad, the rest of the team has decided to also play bad.

I mean, what do you do with that as a reader?

12. Twins (7): It’s time to play the Francisco Liriano card. The longer they keep Liriano in the minors, the better things are for the White Sox and the wild-card contenders from the East.

Liriano had a nice little five-start streak this month. In fact, it was pretty great, giving up one paltry earned run in 35 innings.

He got shelled again last night, giving up 8 hits and 4 runs in 6 innings.

I will say this once. Tommy John surgery a year and a half ago and 35 innings against Triple-A teams does not translate to the majors. Let's cool our jets here a bit, people.

18. Diamondbacks (19): Mark Reynolds has become one of the best players no one knows. He’s outplaying all the young Diamondbacks who carry bigger reputations and wallets. Arizona’s win on Saturday gave the NL West a team over-.500 for the first time in almost a month.

Phil's still under the assumption that everybody pays the same amount of attention to teams outside of Chicago as he does.

Reynolds has been a decent little player for about a year now. And that's as far as one can go when using descriptors for him.

He's on pace to hit 34 home runs and drive in 105. That's pretty good.

He's also on pace to strike out 205 times and hit .246/.330. He's mini-Rob Deer.

23. Orioles (21): Will they really trade closer George Sherrill? They would have some explaining to do with their fans.

Why? Sherill is at absolute peak value right now. He won't get better than this. Trading him makes smart baseball sense. Any Oriole fan who thinks otherwise is a stupid baseball fan.

29. Giants (29): Lincecum, like Volquez, is showing signs of a second half not befitting his impressive first half.

Um...What?! He had one bad start against the Brewers since the break!

Against Arizona on Saturday, he went 7 innings, giving up 2 earned, walking none and striking out 13 fucking batters!

Cripes!

I forgot how frustrating doing this shit is!

He just makes me so mad!

Phil Watch: It's Like A Roundup Of First Half Phil

Before we get to Phil, BRE would like to give a stand-up, hands over their heads clapping Bravo! to Jack Cust.

When he struck out yesterday against the Angels, it was the 19th consecutive game he's done so. It also was his 114th strikeout of the year, one short of the team record for Ks before the All-Star break. C'mon Jack, give me a couple of whiffs today and break that record (remember, Dave Kingman, Reggie Jackson, Jose Canseco and Mark McGwire played for this team).

And Jack's passed the minimum 1000 PAs to now qualify for the all-time TTO list! His 56.5% career mark puts him well ahead of the historical pack! He's well off the prodigious 61.2% that Russell Branyan put up in 2000 for a single season, but 55.2% this year for Jack? Not Bad. Not bad at all.

Now to put this in perspective, in 2004, when Barry Bonds walked 232 times, his TTO that year was 52.5%.

On to Phil.

It's Phil's Whispers. You know, that regular column where Phil puts together a hodgepodge of items he found in the game recaps at MLB.com. Journalisme très sérieux.

Let's get started.

The Tigers and Orioles will be playing Thursday while every other AL team gets a four-day All-Star break. Detroit manager Jim Leyland calls that quirk "a joke," and he's right. …

Sorry. Not MLB.com. The Detroit News. Hot damn. I can do this shit. Sign me up.

And anybody else think if someone interrupts Leyland's morning poop, he'd be a raging asshole the rest of the day?

The Mariners put Erik Bedard on the disabled list with some tightness in his forearm but still hope to trade him before the July 31 deadline. He hasn't gone more than six innings since May 28, so look for the Mariners to try to get seven-plus innings out of him his next couple of times out. …

Ya think? Don't go out on a limb there, Phil.

Frank Thomas, out since late May with a partial tear in his right quadriceps, has been cleared to start hitting and hopes to get back in Oakland's lineup before the end of the month. …

Phil got his undies all in a bunch over the Blue Jays trading Frank. He screamed, he moaned, he threw himself on the coffin. It's was a full-fledged death-wail.

First, let's get the patent wrongness out of the way. He's not expected back until the beginning of August, not before the end of the month. That's straight from Big Hurt's mouth.

Second, how's that roster move for the Blue Jays lookin' now? He's had 180 PAs so far this year. Let's say he comes back on August 1 and gets 3.5 PA/game over the last 60 games of the season. The A's will be on the hook for $10 million next year as his 2009 option is guaranteed with 1000 PAs over 2007-08...for a 41 year-old who CAN'T play the field and can't stay healthy. Future HOF? Sure. Worth $10 million in 2009. Fuck No.

The Mets are crediting the more relaxed attitude created by new manager Jerry Manuel for their winning 8 of 10 entering the weekend. They had eight consecutive starts with their starters allowing three or fewer runs. …

The Mets are up 86 games in the alternate standings that measure relaxed attitudes.

Ron Mahay just keeps increasing his value for Kansas City. …

More please. And I can't name one middle reliever that helped a team win the World Series in recent memory. Can you? There's been a lot of disasters (see Kyle Farnsworth, Scott Linebrink, Eric Gagne, et al) but I can't name one that really helped.

There's also rumblings that KC might spend a little next off-season. I don't know if he'll really be moved.

Bob Sheppard, the Yankees' 97-year-old PA man, isn't going to make it to Yankee Stadium for the All-Star Game. …

Phil had to go to the bathroom, stopped typing and just moved on to the next whisper.

Geovany Soto made a Futures Game appearance last year before joining the Cubs late in the season. The White Sox could follow that scenario with infielder Chris Getz, who could wind up as Alexei Ramirez's double-play partner in 2009. …

Wait a gosh darn minute here. I thought the White Sox farm system was decimated? They have a couple of guys playing in the Futures Game.

Again, an organization absolutely should build their farm system. But a team in a large market with moderately deep pockets doesn't need 5,000 prospects playing at Triple-A and are near major league-ready. They need two or three each year at key positions. The rest is fodder for trades. Like trading for Nick Swisher (we're getting to that).

Boston and Arizona did talk about signing Barry Bonds, but why not the Angels? Or the Dodgers? Or Minnesota? Somebody should gamble on Bonds, but nobody wants him around. …

Oh JHC! First, didn't he just answer his query. Should but nobody wants him.

And the Angels will NOT sign Bonds! Quit pushing this shit! Please tell me where he fits. Do they trade/release Anderson or Matthews? How is that going to work? Just because a team is bad at hitting home runs doesn't mean they should force-fit a new player known in the past for hitting home runs (among other things to put it mildly) into a lineup.

If anybody is trying to find a Joe Baseball Fan as an example of someone who represents the surge in baseball attendance in the late 90s that thought home runs were pretty and nothing else matters, see Phil Rogers.

Rangers newcomer Chris Davis might be having the best season of anyone in baseball. The 22-year-old first baseman has 28 homers and 84 RBIs in 91 games. …

And he's struck out 87 times while walking only 30 times. He's eight foot tall and has about 12,000 holes in his swing. He was so bad at third and in the outfield, he had to be moved to first to limit his defensive liability. I have more.

He's had a great year so far but screams Dallas McPherson and Brad Eldred to me.

Left-hander Gio Gonzalez, who was sent to Oakland by the Sox in the Nick Swisher trade, is leading the Pacific Coast League in strikeouts. …

Just a wee bit has been omitted here. Phil's still hoping his January hissy fit will somehow hold up. So far, we have Fautino De Los Santos having Tommy John Surgery and Ryan Sweeney losing his starting and platooning job to Matt Murton. Gio's the only one left.

Gonzalez is also 4th in the league in walks and sports a 4.56 ERA and 1.36 WHIP. And that was dramatically improved by a stellar three game stretch (0.86 ERA in 21 IP) where he pitched against three teams that are a combined 26 games below .500 right now. On June 28, he had a 5.51 ERA and a 1.51 WHIP.

He's a good pitching prospect that has oodles of issues. The Sox weren't going to get Swisher for free and giving up Gonzalez was right and just. You know what you get with Swisher and he's signed through 2011. With Gonzalez, nothing's guaranteed.

Boston is moving Justin Masterson to the bullpen, which could be a good thing for Waubonsie Valley product Michael Bowden. He entered the weekend 9-4 with a 2.33 ERA in 19 starts for Double-A Portland.

How? How?!

Who's he going to hurdle in the starting rotation? The Red Sox just recalled Buchholz and they have Beckett, Matsusaka, Wakefield, Lester and Colon possibly coming back in August. Unless the Red Sox go to a seven-man rotation, how's he going to pitch in the majors this year? Even with Buchholz's struggles, they wouldn't waste an another option on him. If anything happens to any of the starting pitchers, Masterson is first in line for a spot start. This is basic baseball logic. Cripes!

But he's a local Chicago kid. How could the Red Sox ignore that?

PFRM: What The...

Phil upped the dosage on his medication! In this new world, everybody has a chance!

It's like old Phil and I don't know how to feel about that.

I would recommend a second opinion for him on the dosage but where's the fun for me?

Let's get started.

3. White Sox (4): Don Cooper is officially the White Sox’s secret weapon. How do you trade one of your top starters (Jon Garland) for a shortstop and shave 1.36 off the staff ERA? The work by John Danks and Gavin Floyd has kept Sox fans from missing Garland, which says a lot. This marks the first time all season that the White Sox have been ahead of the Cubs in our rankings. If they can stay ahead of the Cubs, they should extend their lead over Minnesota and Detroit.

JHC! Let it go. I don't think there is one Sox in the city that has thought about Garland in the last two months. Quit beating this frakkin' drum! Even as a qualifier for Danks and Floyd. The Sox are eminently better off without him now. And that was news two months ago.

And nobody gives a shit about where the Cubs and Sox sit in the Trib's power rankings...except for the dipshit commenters on the webpage.

5. Angels (5): Let’s see. You’ve got Vladimir Guerrero, Garret Anderson, Gary Matthews Jr. and Casey Kotchman on the roster, and you add Torii Hunter. So, of course, your home run leader is Mike Napoli. The Angels always win, but they almost never do it the way you think they would.

This would be relevant if it were true. Guerrero has led the Angels in homers since June 20, over two weeks ago. Wouldn't it be neat if things were relevant even if they weren't true. It would be sooo neat. And convenient.

That 3.29 team ERA in June may have had something to do with winning recently. IDK, I think good pitching is a way to win the way I think they would (does that make sense?).

And Casey Kotchman? Did I miss the time when he was a prodigious home run threat?

8. Athletics (6): Hawk Harrelson was right to point out how dangerous this team could be if Frank Thomas and Eric Chavez come back to have big second halves. They’re not nearly as deep as the Angels, but could challenge them.

Eric Chavez? The last time he was a real offensive threat was 2005! That like saying the Cardinals could be dangerous when Mark Mulder comes back. Or the Braves could make a run when Mike Hampton comes back.

How about talking about plausible shit. And has Phil mentioned Duchscherer yet? I quit keeping track.

9. Brewers (14): It’s time to take Milwaukee seriously again. The Brewers are 23-11 since May 30 and have a chance to have C.C. Sabathia and Ben Sheets start 32 of their remaining 74 games. That is, if Sheets holds together. How much longer does Ned Yost think he can push Sheets like he was the second coming of Joe “Iron Man’’ McGinnity? Sheets, who has been sidelined by injuries in each of the last four seasons, leads the majors with three 120-pitch starts. Sabathia threw 123 in his last start for Cleveland. They are going to be pushed hard.

This is Phil's newest boner stat. 120-pitch starts. It took the place of one-run game records, which replaced catchers' caught stealing percentage.

Sheets is averaging 105 pitches/start. Sabathia's averaging 107.5 pitches/start. Those aren't ridiculous numbers in the least.

10. Phillies (9): Philadelphia was 4-11 in interleague play, losing series to Toronto, Boston, the Angels, Oakland and Texas. Yet the Phillies quickly extended their lead in the NL East when they were allowed to play the Braves and Mets.

I thought the Braves were good? More on that later.

11. Cardinals (10): Tony La Russa’s message to ownership is that St. Louis must improve if it is to hang with the Cubs. That’s putting a lot of pressure on rookie GM John Mozeliak, but he’s backed by ownership that will want him to look good after running off Walt Jocketty, one of the game’s best executives.

Because making their GM look good is the most important thing on the Cardinals' plate.

13. Mets (12): Who would have guessed that Johan Santana would miss the All-Star Game in his first season in the National League? The team that went 34-35 under Willie Randolph is 10-9 since Jerry Manuel took over. This wasn’t the bounce owner Fred Wilpon wanted.

I did! I did! I did! Pick Me!!!!!

Of course, the All-Star game selection wasn't part of the equation because All-Star game selections are the definition of stupid stupidness (see Varitek over Pierzynski).

Now I've never met Santana. Don't personally watch his workouts and have only seen him pitch in person once. But multiple scouts talked about a strange drop in velocity and a diminished sharpness in his curveball last year. I read this kind of stuff on these internets that you're currently using. It took no talent on my part. Just the ability to click a mouse. He's not struggling in the real sense but many predicted an adjustment period as he attempts to become a more crafty pitcher without the blazing fastball.

14. Blue Jays (18): When you’ve got pitching, you’ve got a chance.

Went 2-4 for the week and jumped four spots. Currently, they're dead last in the AL East, 13 games back.

They're 33 back in real games back, a new fangled stat that adds the team's current games back and includes all the teams between them and the first place team, which is really a better gauge, isn't it, given they have to hurdle those teams as well.

Their pitching has been meh over the last month, something they can't have with that shit-ass lineup.

15. Rangers (21): Historically, these guys haven’t won too many series at Yankee Stadium. They did it last week, with C.J. Wilson outpitching Mariano Rivera.

.500 team. Good for them. Craptastic pitching again this year. Just like last year and the year before and the year before and the year before...

17. Orioles (16): Andy MacPhail could face a tough buy/sell decision at the All-Star break. Baltimore has overachieved to get into the fringe of wild-card contention, but he might get a good return if he deals Brian Roberts and Aubrey Huff.

Would somebody take a closer look at this team (I know Phil won't). They're not that bad.

Oh, they're not going to win anything this year but there's a decent amount of power here, they field the ball, don't give up a crapload of hits and have the 6th best bullpen in baseball. If Teixeira signs with them next year, as he's indicated he wants to sign with either Baltimore or Washington, and they go get a decent starter, this team could be quite good next year.

Sell? Why?

21. Reds (27): A friendly stretch of schedule helped Cincinnati climb toward .500. Bronson Arroyo has won his last two starts after a terrible first half.

Hey, the Reds swept Washington! Dusty's makin' a mooooovvvvveeee!!!

Before the sweep this weekend, they lost 11 of their last 17 games.

22. Dodgers (20): GM Ned Colletti is hoping he can get a lift from Andruw Jones. If Jones doesn’t start hitting for power—and why would he now?—then Colletti will be pressured into doing something he doesn’t want to, like dealing Clayton Kershaw for the best bat available.

This might be dumber than the patent falsehood about the Angels. No. Fucking. Way. The Dodgers trade Kershaw. And for who? What 'best bat available' will be available at short, the only position for which the Dodgers are desperate? Khalil Greene?

23. Diamondbacks (19): How did these guys get off to that 19-7 start?

Lest we forget, Phil declared the AL West race over after said 19-7 start.

How? By saying It's Over.

It's over

The remaining five months of baseball will be played, but Arizona's 20-8 April took any suspense out of what figured to be a very good race in the National League West.

The Diamondbacks led the second-place Dodgers by 51/2 games at the end of the month, becoming only the 10th team to lead a division by at least five games at the end of April. All nine of their predecessors rode the fast start to a division title, with seven of them winning by 91/2 or more games and five of them advancing to the World Series.

It's one of my favorites.

26. Pirates (25): In his last big move, former GM Dave Littlefield traded for Matt Morris. Who is first-year GM Neal Huntington going to add at midseason this year, Barry Zito? Carlos Silva? Paul Byrd?

Phil's got jokes.

27. Giants (26): With Barry Bonds, 38-48 at the All-Star break a year ago; without Bonds, 38-48 through 86 games this season. Is that the definition of a non-factor?

What?

28. Camouflage uniforms (NR): Good idea in San Diego, given that area’s military population, but they should be banned outside Petco Park. Still, Jeff Cox’s combat helmet was a stroke of comic genius when the White Sox tried it.

Phil's against the troops! Traitor!

I thought the Sox unis looked kinda cool.

29. Mariners (29): Ichiro Suzuki blew it. He had a chance to go to a contender but signed a contract extension last season.

That asshole! Staying where he's treated like a God and where he loves the area. Fuckwad!

30. Marlins (15): Yes, Florida probably does deserve to be ranked above the likes of Seattle and San Francisco. But the Marlins scored 17 runs in Colorado and still lost 18-17. That dubious achievement deserves special mention.

Probably?

I know this is Phil trying to be cute. But it's not. It's stupid. The opposite of cute.

31. Padres (29): The ex-Cub factor still lives. Just look at Michael Barrett. Who was the last guy to have to go on the disabled list after fouling a ball off his nose? Pete LaCock?

Okay. Phil's a Cub fan and he doesn't even know what the ex-Cub factor is. Hint: It has nothing to do with going on the disabled list with a freak injury.

Good ta have ya back, boy.