Phil Watch: My Stomach Muscles Are Completely Shredded

I read it two hours ago and I haven't stopped throwing up since.

It can't be for real. He didn't say these things.

Let's get started.

Cubs right-hander Rich Harden just what Twins need
There's a good chance they'll part with prospects for chance to catch Tigers

I'm not sure what the game was called, but back in high school, during a study of global politics, we played a decision-making contest of strategies, with the goal being world domination.

I was appointed leader of an imaginary country named Nordo and pretty much made every poor choice possible on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. On Friday, in a desperate situation, I opted for nuclear warfare. The world was destroyed, and there was no winner. Everyone tied for last.

Somehow that comes to mind as I consider the possibility of the Cubs trading Rich Harden to the Minnesota Twins.

Where in the hell is he going with this?

It's not that Harden is nuclear. It's just that he has been the Cubs' best starting pitcher the last two months and that he appears to be exactly what the Twins need -- not just for this season, but maybe the three after it.

Um...okay. I don't know why a Chicago newspaper would discuss in depth the Twins for the 98B%14&th time but I'll go wit ya. Phil's been lobbying for the national baseball writer spot with the Star-Trib for years now. What's one more Twins update in the grand scheme of things.

While the Cubs deal with their own lost season, a performance almost as woeful as mine in that high school classroom, they may be doing to the Chicago baseball landscape what I did to the teams that had played the game the right way. Jim Hendry, by completing a Harden trade before Monday's deadline, will make it tougher for the White Sox to win.

HOLY MOTHER OF SHITTY COCK TERDS!!!!!!

He. Did. Not. Write. That!

Didn't happen. For the sake of my sanity, I need to believe that didn't happen.

Jim Hendry is making moves in order to stick it to the Sox. I need to play in Phil's head. That's a world unlike anything ever imagined by every novelist, filmmaker, musicians and cuckoo for Coco Puffs psychopath that ever existed on this or any other planet.

Wow. Just! Wow!

It's not a done deal that Harden is going to the Twins, although it seems certain he's not coming back to the Cubs. Hendry has set a high asking price for the guy he acquired from Oakland a little more than 13 months ago, reportedly seeking two solid prospects -- perhaps relievers Anthony Slama and Rob Delaney?

But the guess here is that Twins general manager Bill Smith is going to wake up Monday, consider how catchable the Detroit Tigers remain and pay the price.

Phil, grown men don't need deadlines in order to make a rational decision in life, like the mythical pressure of the clock ticking will provide some level of clarity. Smith knows what he's going to do. And how far the Twins are back now compared to tomorrow coupled with the inherent mediocrity that is the Tigers won't change much in 24 hours.

God, I hate it when sportswriters try to paint pictures of a made-up decision-making processes and I especially hate it when they do it badly.

Thanks to the White Sox's continued reliance on Jose Contreras and Freddy Garcia -- where's Daniel Hudson, a young gun who could have been a big help? -- the AL Central is looking like a two-team race. And the Twins have an easier schedule than the Tigers, whom they face seven times in September.

September schedule in order:

Detroit ---------- Minnesota

3 vs. Cleveland --------- 3 vs. White Sox

3 @ Tampa Bay --------- 3 @ Cleveland

3 @ Kansas City --------- 4 @ Toronto

4 vs. Toronto ------------ 3 vs. Oakland

3 vs. Kansas City -------- 3 vs. Cleveland

3 @ Minnesota --------- 3 vs. Detroit

3 @ Cleveland ---------- 3 @ White Sox

3 @ White Sox --------- 3 @ Kansas City

4 vs. Minnesota -------- 4 @ Detroit

3 vs. White Sox -------- 3 vs. Kansas City

So...both teams play the White Sox, Cleveland and Kansas City six times, split evenly home and away.

Both play Toronto four times, Detroit has them at home, Minnesota has them on the road.

The only difference in their schedules are that Detroit has three at Tampa Bay and the Twins have Oakland at home for three.

Easier? Ever so marginally. Oakland's playing .500 ball over the last 30 games and if the Twins make a run. So has Tampa Bay. Detroit can essentially control their own destiny with four at home against Minnesota in the second-to-last series on the year.

Oh yeah, Detroit has 17 at home and 15 on the road. Minnesota is the opposite of that, something that comes close to negating the tiny difference in schedules.

It's not simply 'easier' and it's probably not 'easier,' period. There's nuances here.

...Harden, a Canadian, would be a good choice to front a Twins staff working in cold-weather conditions.

HOLY MOTHER OF POOPY DROPPINGS!!!

Phil just pulled a reverse Dusty!

Remember when Dusty talked about the sun and heat in August not affecting Latin players as much because they were used to it?

Harden wouldn't be pitching in January, Phil. And Minneapolis isn't in Greenland.

...The Twins' biggest challenge this winter is re-signing Mauer, who is eligible for free agency after 2010. He and Morneau have been outspoken about wanting the front office to be more aggressive. Trading for -- and hanging on to -- Harden sends that signal.

Again. Ryan Braun = Asshole for asking. Morneau = Stand-up guy. His butt looks cuter in the the Twins uni.

With Carlos Zambrano, Ryan Dempster and Ted Lilly signed to long-term deals and Randy Wells looking like a fit, Harden is a luxury for the Cubs. But there are probably 28 other places the White Sox would rather see him going than Minnesota.

(glurp) Oooooh, here we go again!!!!