Phil Watch: He Wants To Fuck The Rays Mascot

It's the only explanation, really.

This turd is the third article in a month discussing the Tampa Bay Rays for Phil.

From a guy...who writes..for a Chicago newspaper.

In the last month or so, Phil's coverage of spring training has given us three columns on the Rays and one about the Reds' signing of Jeremy fuckin' Affeldt, outside of the Cubs and Sox. That's it.

Your national baseball correspondent, gentlemen.

Maybe he has Alzheimer's and thinks he writes for the St. Petersburg Times.

I don't know. He's a strange bird.

Let's get started.

Last week's mini-firestorm about the Tampa Bay Rays' interest in Bonds was not a smoke screen. Despite general manager Andrew Friedman saying this was a "non-story" there's no doubt the St. Petersburg Times had it right. The Rays, especially principal owner Stuart Sternberg, are monitoring the availability of Bonds, who still might be capable of a 40-homer season at Tropicana Field.

Okay. Let's give a timeline. Phil submitted this story late Saturday afternoon.

On Thursday, Rays GM Andrew Friedman said this:

"If I didn't entertain ideas, be it a signing of a great hitter like Bonds or a trade, I should be fired," general manager Andrew Friedman says. "But that is past."

This is the article that Phil is referencing. It was written last Monday.

Smoke-screen? "Non-story"?

Here's a thought. Use these internets and see if your story is still in the least bit relevant or even correct. Ya know, based in facts before you get all uppity.

And 40 homers in Tropicana? That would presuppose at least an above-average park factor, right? Nope. Below the curve. 18th, actually.

Really. It's two clicks away.

Signing Bonds might allow the Rays to trade one of their outfielders, either Rocco Baldelli or Jonny Gomes. But it would mean they'd have to play Bonds or Cliff Floyd in the outfield, as the rules only give them one designated hitter.

So, in your opinion, the Rays should sign a 43 year-old outfielder with the definition of baggage for one year and who is absolutely brutal at doing outfieldy-type things while trading a 26 year-old five-tool player in Baldelli to make room?

Can I make absolutely ludicrous suggestions, too? Please!

I think the Angels should trade a six boxes of baseballs and a strap-on dildo to the Mets for Johan Santana. Just a thought. And since I thought it, I should write it.

Internal dialogue, Phil. Keep a few things to yourself.

Nothing could be stupider in realm of stupid thoughts written by the stupid.

If Friedman wanted to really roll the dice, he would sign Bonds and then trade his most marketable chip, Carl Crawford, for pitching and prospects. The Rays think they have a chance to be taken seriously this year, with or without Bonds, but it would be fun to see him battle the Yankees in New York and the Red Sox in Boston.

And I'm wrong.

That is the stupidest thing I've heard in weeks. If I were to close my eyes and imagine the stupidest person in the world was standing in front of me, he (or she, probably he) would say something closer to the same continent as logical as what Phil wrote.

Wait...

He said, "I think The Black Dahlia is a masterwork of postmodern filmmaking."

...Phil's is more dumb.

And that last sentence is pretty telling. He secretly likes Bonds. He wants a three-way with Bonds and the Rays' mascot.

Where else could Bonds fit?

Cleveland, but only if the Indians were willing to play him in left field.

Again, bad at catching baseballs and the definition of baggage for a team already pretty good at hitting baseballs where people with gloves aren't.

The Los Angeles Angels, although he would have to rotate in and out of the lineup if Vlad Guerrero, Garret Anderson and Gary Matthews Jr. are all healthy.

JHC! You're a baseball writer! The Angels are already vexed as to how to get Guerrero, Hunter, Anderson, Matthews and Rivera in the same lineup. Let's sign Bonds. That clears things up.

Bonds probably has done enough to deserve to be exiled, but it will be a shame if he can't find one team to give him a shot.

"Probably has done enough to deserve to be exiled" and "a shame if he can't find a team".

Shame. Done enough. And...shame.

Nope. I spoke too soon. That's more dumb.

He then moves on to other silliness.

While the White Sox have imported Tomo Ohka to add depth to their corps of rotation candidates, the Red Sox are bringing Bartolo Colon to camp in hopes of easing the load on young starters Jon Lester and Clay Buchholz.

The Ohka comparison couldn't be more snide. Kenny didn't return another phone call.

The White Sox explored signing Colon but apparently weren't willing to beat a guarantee of $1.25 million that could grow to $7 million.

Well first, it's a minor league contract, not 'guaranteed', meaning he has to make the 40-man roster. Kinda relevant. If he comes out throwing 88 mph, LIKE HE HAS ALL WINTER, in no real of theoretical universe will the Red Sox pick up his contract. Hence, not really guaranteed.

And this is what Phil wrote on Monday, February 18. So...pretty fresh.

"Reinsdorf continues to spend millions — the payroll could be in the range of $115 million to $120 million, behind only the Yankees, Red Sox, Tigers and Angels — and Williams keeps trading away minor-leaguers he will miss down the road, all in the hope of being one of 2008's surprises."

So which one is it? Are the Sox irresponsibly spendy or should they spend more? And a contract for Colon that would most likely be incentive-laden in only innings pitched - maxing out at $7 million - is a good idea?

Being an Angels fan, I'm acutely aware of the risk in signing Colon. At one point last year, I expected him to contract the bubolic plague because there wasn't anything left that could go wrong with him. He's a fat tub of lard.

How exactly would that have been a wise decision?

It's Phil-logic.

And don't forget Phil-math.

Good to have Phil back. Like Rex Morgan, M.D., he's got the cure for the daily blues.