Voluminous little fucker. Phil even squeezed in an article about the RBI program in Compton late yesterday. I feel a vacation coming on. Curious, though, the power rankings weren't listed on the Tribune sports site. I had to go diggin' for it.
But it's good (or bad, or good, I'm torn) to see Phil's back to his old self by puking out recycled shit and typing random crap about each team irrespective of its actual relevance to a team's baseball goodness.
That's why it's called Power Rankings For Morons.
Let's get started.
1. Cubs (1): No team in the majors is as balanced as the one Lou Piniella runs. It is the only one that's in the top third of all the team hitting and pitching stats. That's why until further notice the Cubs have edged past powerful Boston and fading Arizona to give baseball a clear-cut team to beat.
Arizona? That train left a few weeks ago!
Look. They're good.
Some pitching concerns: Zambrano is fine. Still not a #1. Dempster is a prime candidate to regress to his career mean. Ted Lilly has a 5.51 ERA and 1.78 WHIP in his last three starts against three teams not exactly sporting a murderer's row (San Diego, Colorado & Pittsburgh). Sean Gallagher is your de-facto fifth starter because Rich Hill has been stinky and still too walky at Triple-A. Jason Marquis? Nice start yesterday but you're still Jason Marquis. Wood, Marmol and Howry are on pace to appear in 9,000 games this year. Good luck with that.
2. Phillies (3): It's a shame Philadelphia plays only two regular-season series with the Cubs. The first came in Philadelphia the second week of the season, with the Phillies winning two of three. The other is scheduled for Aug. 28-31 at Wrigley Field. If these teams stay intact until then, that should be some series. The Phillies don't have a starting rotation to scare anyone, but the rest of this team is pennant-worthy. They can put a hurt on you, especially in their bandbox ballpark.
And the Cubs rotation scares you?
3. Red Sox (2): David Ortiz's injury is a real concern. The Big Papi-Manny Ramirez combination is what has made Boston so fearsome, and it's not the same team with only half of that combination on the field. The Red Sox need Ortiz's wrist to heal. Coco Crisp's seven-game suspension for the Tampa Bay brawl was ill-timed.
Since Ortiz went down on May 31, J.D. Drew has been doing his best imitation of Leonidas I, king of Sparta, slayer of all Persians.
Let's extrapolate Drew's numbers since June 1 out to a full 162 game season, just for shits and giggles.
Drew: 547 abs 60 2b 20 3b 80 hr 200 rbi 120 bb 20 k 20 sb for a .519/1.148/1.748 line.
More relevant.
5. Angels (11): Don't judge this team by its record. It isn't as strong as the mark Mike Scioscia, probably baseball's best manager, usually produces, but could turn around quickly if Vladimir Guerrero gets it going.
Phil has never watched the Angels play baseball games. Every mention is some vague shit like this. The whole starting rotation outside of Lackey has the potential to get lit up occasionally but every one of them has the potential to sport a 0.0000008 ERA for weeks at a time. Well, not Garland but he's exceeded my expectations this year, which were abysmally low.
A team only needs just enough hitting during those stretches to win baseball games, which they've had.
6. Braves (5): John Smoltz's shoulder surgery takes away the easy road for a team that hasn't won nearly as many games as it should. Never count out Bobby Cox, but can Mark Teixeira and Chipper Jones hit enough for Atlanta to salvage a 90-win season after this shaky beginning? It's starting to look doubtful.
In Phil's 'should' universe, the Cubbies win 162 games every season and sweep through the playoffs. And they do it with a roster stocked with only their own draft picks. It's cuter that way and it's the only way a team should win.
BTW, in Phil's world, the sixth-best team in baseball is .500.
7. Rays (4): The selection of high school shortstop Tim Beckham with the first pick in the draft shows that general manager Andrew Friedman is still thinking long-term. That's impressive, given their unexpected standing as contenders.
Um...what? Did you expect them to draft Kimbo Slice because they're winning now?
8. Cardinals (8): Adam Wainwright and Todd Wellemeyer, two of the three pitchers who have kept this team together, are uncertain for their next starts because of finger and elbow injuries, respectively. Wellemeyer has never piled up innings the way he has this year, which has to be a concern.
Why isn't it a concern for the Cubs, or the A's for that matter (we'll get to that)?
9. Diamondbacks (6): When Bob Melvin hit Micah Owings eighth, in front of outfielder Alex Romero, he was admitting Arizona's new reality: Scoring runs is a daily challenge, and the lineup continues to rely on home runs.
WWWWWHHHHOOOAAAAA!!!!!!!!
Now hitting the pitcher eighth is a clear sign a team has trouble scoring runs????????
Where the fuck was this during Phil's Ned Yost snide analysis?
I give you three reasons this is dumb:
1) Hitting the pitcher eighth is always stupid
2) Hitting the pitcher eighth is always stupidly stupid
3) Hitting the pitcher eighth is always stupidly stupid stupidness
10. Athletics (15): Eric Chavez picked a good time to get back.
Now that's analysis. Remember his exultation of the A's good, young pitching staff?
Dana Eveland is his last two starts: 10.38 ERA/2.65 WHIP at home against Detroit and Toronto.
Greg Smith is his last five starts, taking out a nice start against Toronto, has a 6.26 ERA and a 1.61 WHIP.
Duchscherer has inexicably become a legitimate starting pitcher but hasn't thrown more than 97 innings in the majors and hasn't thrown more than 155 innings since 2003.
If innings are a concern for Todd Wellemeyer, why not these guys?
Oh yeah, Frank Thomas is on the DL and isn't expected back anytime soon. A little snide jab.
11. Blue Jays (9): You can't win by pitching alone. Toronto hasn't had a three-homer game since April 8. The Blue Jays hope Vernon Wells' return will give them a little more pop.
Three-homer game stat? How about a lineup, any lineup, with Kevin Mench, Matt Stairs, Rod Barajas, Brad Wilkerson, David Eckstein and Marco Scutaro in it. It's a softball team with Eckstein and Scutaro as the try-hard guys.
12. Mets (13): Now we'll see what happens when you put Pedro Martinez and Johan Santana in the same rotation.Does Phil actually think Pedro is still a good pitcher? He currently has a shoulder and hamstring held together by bamboo and twine.
15. Yankees (14): If this is Mike Mussina's last season in New York, he's going out on his terms. He's been excellent under difficult circumstances, winning eight of his last nine starts to buy time for an otherwise shaky pitching staff.
Giambi hitting .333 with 5 hrs over the last fifteen days, A-Rod's back and hitting, Johnny Damon's 30 for his last 59 with 12 RBI, Darrell Rasner has been superlatively good and the team has kept their head above the .500 mark (if barely) while dealing with a shitload of injuries, one to the best player in the history of all history.
More relevant.
16. Brewers (20): Ned Yost is considering sticking with Salomon Torres as his closer once Eric Gagne is off the disabled list. That makes sense, but how long will Gagne will be able to coexist in a secondary role?
Does Phil read the newspaper? Gagne, himself has said his days as a closer may be over.
17. Dodgers (19): The definition of desperation: trading for Angel Berroa.
True, dat. Gotta say, that was almost funny. And they picked up all of his salary!
19. Orioles (23): Garrett Olson and Radhames Liz have left no need for Steve Trachsel in the starting rotation. Perhaps Baltimore is turning the corner.
Another WWWHHHOOOAAA!!!
Phil lamented the skipping of Trachsel's starts just two weeks ago. What's changed about his inherent Trachselness?
21. Reds (21): The White Sox were afraid Cincinnati would grab Georgia shortstop Gordon Beckham with the seventh pick of the draft, one ahead of the Sox, but instead they took power-hitting Miami first baseman Yonder Alonso. He could be a monster at the Great American Ball Park.
Unless he's switching positions. Joey Votto has first for years to come. They DFA'd Hatteburg because of Votto's goody goodness. Maybe they can play both at first. Is there some loophole in the rulebook that I don't know about? He's slower than a really slow-type slow person. Sticking him in right makes him a poor man's version of Adam Dunn in the best universe, someone who Phil was constantly demanded the Reds trade. How's that an upgrade?
23. Rangers (16): No team in the majors allows more unearned runs. You wouldn't think that would happen with a middle-infield combination of Michael Young and Ian Kinsler.
Kinsler? He's never been known as a spectacular fielder. Even Baseball America, a site Phil writes for, said as much in every minor-league scouting report on him and he's been at or near the bottom of fielding percentage for second basemen every year in the majors!
27. Nationals (25): Rob Mackowiak's release underscored the impotence of Washington's outfield. In terms of on-base plus slugging percentage, the Nats rank 30th in left field, 26th in center and 30th in right.
I'm confused. How does the release of Mackowiak underscore anything?
29. Royals (28): The annual free fall is under way. Don't know why, but one wonders if David DeJesus has deserved all this losing.
What? DeJesus? This shit's been going on for a while now. And it's not just Phil. David DeJesus is a pretty light-hitting guy with just above-average speed who doesn't walk enough to justify his inherent light-hitty, just above-average hitty-speedness.
He hits the free-agent market in 2010. I nominate him to be the most overpaid free-agent signing of that year. He's a fine little player but has not and will not substantially help any team in this or any other world.
30. Mariners (29): Something's got to give, and soon. Ownership is paying heavily for a starting rotation that ranks 27th in the majors in ERA and a lineup that is last in the majors in on-base percentage.
I didn't think they'd fall this far but what in that lineup made you think it would be any different?
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