Phil Watch: The Trend Is Not The Cubs' Friend

Editor's Note: There will be no discussion about the Angels allowing no hits to the Dodgers and LOSING THE FUCKING GAME!!!! Ever. I'm dangerously close to becoming a meatball Angels fan that demands they go get Teixeira.

Anybody who's lived within 500 miles of Chicago for their whole life understands the peculiar Cub fan mindset.

When things aren't going well, they're cute in their badness. When things are going well, they're so absolutely blind to their team's shortcomings that any voiced concern about anything immediately brands you as some sort of interloper trying to poo-poo on this fairy tale season.

I give you exhibit A.

At Christo's restaurant, a place about 10 blocks from Wrigley, Cub fans abound. Not the staff, just the customers. Last night, the fans in full Cub regalia came in droves. I left for work with the game tied at five in the fifth so I was curious how the game turned out.

One four-top with two people in Cub jerseys couldn't tell me who hit the homer to put the Sox up, insisting it was Ramirez while another went on a spiel about Fukudome, pronouncing his name 'Koo-Sake' numerous times. I figured they probably watched it at a bar in the neighborhood, drank a few and lost their focus. Nope. Ticket stubs came out.

And, while it's an old and tiresome tale, this shit happens all the time.

Phil attempts to inject some level of concern about the Cub pitching staff in a column today.

It's not a bad attempt (well...it pretty much is), but BRE can do it better.

Let's get started.

Headline: Cubs pitching putting damper on all-Chicago World Series dreams

[sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh]

[note: headline changed during the typing of this - now it's more reasoned]

From the BRE useless proclamation department, I offer this.

Chicago. Can we please stop this shit? It makes me think that a World Series championship for either fan base would only mean something if it happened against the other team.

By golly, these last two weeks have been chockablock with idiotic idiocy.

Lou Piniella, a full-time manager and part-time oracle, issued a proclamation late Saturday afternoon.

"The White Sox should win that division by a half-dozen games or more, to tell you the truth," Piniella said. "They have everything you need. Everybody looks at the Cubs … look at the White Sox."

Book it, Sox fans. Lao-Tzu has spoken.

Imagine, if you can: An afternoon game at U.S. Cellular Field in October, then a short ride on the Red Line to Wrigley Field for a night game. Madness on both sides of town, times 21.

Phil is channeling his inner-Carol Slezak.

At least he hasn't proclaimed Chicago the center of the baseball universe as Mariotti did today.

It's pretty cool they're both in first place and it makes following baseball in the city distinctly unboring. But let's tone down the superlatives, please.

On Mariotti, can we also stop saying ESPN stands for the Eastern Seaboard Programming Network? It's a stupid-ass joke that every mouth-breathing sports fan says outside of the East Coast. It wasn't that funny 15 years ago.

No, the Cubs' manager didn't guarantee that the White Sox would run away with the American League Central. But after losing for the second day in a row on the South Side, Piniella did say the Sox "should" win easily over the likes of Minnesota, Detroit and Cleveland. That leaves his Cubs to take care of their business over the second half of the season. And the Cubs are a mortal lock to protect the lead they have had since May 11, right?

Cleveland? WTF puts them into the equation?

Detroit, on the other hand, hit the .500 mark yesterday. 40-40. Verlander's back to form (3.38 ERA and a 1.25 WHIP after a terrible April) and everybody's finally hitting. But lest we forget, this nice little winning streak they've put together came against the malodorous AL West. But they're going to hit their way back into this and Galarraga seems like the steal of the year.

And I'm going to make a prediction that will completely nullify any baseball authority I've acquired over these 35 years on this Earth. The Twins and Royals will finish within five games of each other. Book. That. Ha!

Most people, perhaps even Tony La Russa, Ned Yost and the others chasing them in the National League Central, believe they are the best team, by far. The Cubs have produced 5.5 runs per game, better than every team in the majors except Texas. Their pitching staff has a 3.88 ERA, third best in the NL. What do they have to worry about?

Tony 'Confucius' LaRussa has spoken, my friends. Well, not really spoken but he perhaps did in Phil's head so it's relevant.

The Cubs are 16-12 since May 29, exactly one month ago. Decent little record, right (in the parlance of Phil)?

Here's how the Cubs have performed in June:

Pitching: 4.50 ERA as a team, good for 22nd in the league. 1.42 WHIP, good for 20th in the league.

Hitting: 12th in the league in runs in June. Still in the top ten in most offensive categories but no longer in the top two in any of them, as they were in April and May.

Just a little trend to keep an eye on reflecting 1/3 of the season. Probably more relevant when discussing recent trends rather than the last five games.

For the first time this season, Piniella's pitching staff is in a mini-funk. Carlos Marmol is suddenly a problem. He has had some trouble throwing strikes, and one he threw Saturday wound up on the wrong side of the right-field bullpen wall, courtesy of Carlos Quentin.

As I typed just 2 1/2 minutes ago, not a mini-funk. A 1/3 of the season funk.

And this is 'suddenly a problem'? No. This is marginally irresponsible misuse of Marmol. Like Dusty misuse territory.

Marmol used to be a starter in the minors so he's thrown a lot of innings before. But a starter's routine is dramatically different from a reliever. He's currently on pace to throw almost 100 innings and has thrown back-to-back games this year 15 times and pitched on one day's rest 13 times. His delivery isn't conducive to the 'rubber-arm' moniker used for Linebrink or Scot Shields and you would expect his workload would increase if the NL Central remains close.

This is an issue.

Rookie Sean Gallagher gutted out a 121-pitch effort Saturday, causing Piniella to say he was "proud" of him. But Gallagher coughed up two leads while allowing five runs in six innings, the fourth game in a row a Cubs starting pitcher has allowed at least four earned runs. That had happened only 21 times in the first 76 games, and never more than twice in a row.

Grinder alert!

Gives up 8 hits, walks 3, allows 5 earned runs and serves up two dingers but he's a gutty grinder channeling his inner-David Eckstein/Darin Erstad (lots of channeling going on today).

"We're scuffling right now," Piniella said. "We're not at full strength."

Zambrano's out. That's it. What does that have to do with the other four days Carlos wouldn't have pitched?

There's a sense that the Cubs think games shouldn't count if anybody's injured. Part. Of. The. Game.

It wasn't that long before the Zambrano injury that Piniella pointed out to reporters the Cubs' pitching staff wasn't as deep as people thought, and he seems to have been right. Without Zambrano and the invisible man, Rich Hill, the Cubs have Gallagher, Marshall and Jason Marquis at the back end of the rotation.

Drop an opinion now and then, Phil.

Starting five: Zambrano, Dempster, Lilly, Marquis, Marshall/Gallagher.

It's just not that good or scary?

At the beginning of the season, we here at BRE said one injury makes this staff go from average to bad astonishing quick.

By not giving Hill a chance to get out of the first-inning mess he created at St. Louis on May 2, Piniella called attention to Hill's problems throwing strikes. He had walked four of the six hitters he faced in that game, throwing 27 pitches to get two outs, but the time before he had allowed only two runs in five innings at Colorado, walking four. Yet Piniella pulled the plug because Hill seemed too unsure of himself.

So Lou should have given him a chance? Hill threw 353 pitches this season with only 194 for strikes, good for a 55% success rate. That's bad.

Thing is...he's never thrown strikes.

From Baseball America:

Background: Hill always had a knockout curveball, but his inability to throw strikes (6.3 walks per nine innings) held him back in his first three seasons as a pro. The light turned on in 2005, which he credits to improved mental focus. Hill led the minors with 13.4 strikeouts per nine innings and made his major league debut.

Weaknesses: For all his progress, Hill didn’t throw strikes when he joined the Cubs and big league hitters took advantage. He needs to trust and use his changeup more often.

It's called a track record.

General manager Jim Hendry hoped Hill, an 11-game winner in 2007, could get himself back together at Iowa, but instead he walked 28 in 26 innings. He's now on emotional life support at the spring training complex in Arizona.

He's missed.

Or the Cubs shouldn't have relied on Hill with no backup plan. Oh, wait...they got Lieber. It's a domino effect. The loss of Hill means Lilly and Marquis move up the chain. That's not good.

Hendry is likely to go in search of starting pitching before the July 31 trading deadline. Among those who could wind up on his radar screen are Cleveland's C.C. Sabathia, Oakland's Rich Harden, the Los Angeles Angels' Jon Garland and San Diego's Greg Maddux.

Oh, JHC!!!!!!

Let's get a couple out of the way. Garland isn't going anywhere because the Angels have nobody...I repeat, NOBODY...to take his place right now. Escobar is ahead of schedule but any real gauge as to his effectiveness won't be known until after the trade deadline. But Garland was drafted by the Cubs and if he came back, Phil would find it to be uh so cute.

And Maddux isn't coming back to the Cubs. Not gonna happen.

The other two are intriguing but both will require a type-A prospect and a couple of low minors guys. Beane or Shapiro aren't going to bite on Pie or Patterson because they're not stupid and Murton doesn't even enter the discussion. So who would the Cubs give up?

Phil is officially a Cub fan. He assumes either everybody else is a moron or wildly overvalues the prospects in the Cub farm system.

Phil's back, people. I'm warm, fuzzy and just let out a little pee.

In the meantime, Piniella can take some comfort in those 93- and 94-m.p.h. fastballs Gallagher was blowing past White Sox hitters after his pitch count had climbed above 100. He probably slept well.

Gallagher threw hard, which was neato to watch. Oodles of pitchers, including many average-to-bad pitchers, throw harder later in the game than they did at the beginning of the game. It's commonly referred to as the 'stretching-out process'. 8 hits, 3 walks, 2 homers, 5 earned runs in a 6 inning, 121-pitch outing. How does that make anyone sleep well? It's just stupid to say that. Is it just me?

"I knew I needed to last a little longer," Gallagher said. "After [giving up four early runs], I didn't see anybody in the bullpen. I said, 'This is my game.' "

It's never too early to start pitching your way onto a playoff roster.

If Sean Gallagher makes the playoff roster and is given anything resembling a significant role, the Cubs have issues and will not go far.

Cripes.

Phil Watch: Saturday Salmagundi

Christo has been MIA for a bit this week as he attempts to do something resembling productive with his life. More news on that later - if it ever comes to fruition.

It's a Week of Exits

These internets lost a couple of great writers this week.

Will Leitch, the editor and co-founder of Deadspin, announced he's taking a real-life job at New York Magazine as editor-at-large. Recently the target of the televised insane meanderings of one Buzz Bissinger, Leitch made Deadspin what it was - a satisfying diversion from and counterbalance to the über-serious world of sports. He'll be missed.

Adam Peltz, writer of the Chicago MenuPages blog, also announced he's done with the silliness of internet food writing and going back to school. Always a smart and funny look at the food world in the Chicago area, I've been reading the blog since its inception. The guy could write and put the Trib and Reader food blogs to shame.

And MLBTradeRumors is saying Billy Beane might be done as GM of the A's as early as the beginning of next season. As an Angels fan, I gotta say...Thank God! But to become a soccer GM? And speaking of insane meanderings, who's Hawk going to hate on in the fifth inning of a blowout now?

And Let's Do A Phil Watch

I knew he'd be back. And I have a strange feeling tomorrow will be teeming with more silliness.

I think I figured out why he's been so inoffensive lately. It's because he's been so damn boring. It's been something akin to Ed Mundane talking about Jimmy Blinkensop waiting for the last bell.

Well, he's inching back to form today. Nothing outrageous. Just Phil doing his best rendition of a less bombastic Mariotti - saying the same thing about the Sox for 45,000th time, as if repetition makes it more true.

Let's get started.

Kosuke Fukudome finally played a game at U.S. Cellular Field on Friday. Judging by some of the monstrous swings he took, it was a big day for him.

Cubs manager Lou Piniella talked about Fukudome's balance and "textbook" swing the first time he saw him take batting practice in Mesa. But against Jose Contreras and relievers Boone Logan and Nick Masset, Fukudome took some hacks that were so vicious they left him reeling around the dirt beside home plate.

Saw the game. He's been swinging like that all year. How has it changed?

The Sox eventually topped the Cubs' $48 million offer (reportedly going to $50 million), but by then general manager Jim Hendry had sold the Chunichi Dragons All-Star on becoming the Cubs' first Japanese import.

They're glad they did.

And on Friday, so were the White Sox.

Only on Friday? This is a non-issue. It was very early on in the negotiations. Fukudome said he didn't want to play for the Sox because he wanted to play right field and Dye was there. Quit making it sound like it was some eleventh hour decision.

If Fukudome had come to the South Side, life would have been so different for both of Chicago's first-place teams—and not just because so many among the 39,132 at U.S. Cellular Field would have been cheering Fukudome, not confusing him with a vacuum cleaner.

See what I mean. The crappy jokes are back. It's a slow return to form. And it gets better.

As Piniella said Friday, "There are a lot of ifs in baseball."

If the Sox had signed Fukudome, Nick Swisher wouldn't have been around to hit a grand slam and a double in Friday's 10-3 victory.

First, anybody else noticing that Pinella's quite the philosopher?

Second, Phil believes in Chaos Theory! If a butterfly flaps his wings in Peru, a tornado could happen in Iowa.

Who knows? If Fukudome was in the Sox lineup, the team may be 81-0 as well. Same dipshit logic here.

The girls with the "Dirty 30" signs would have had to find another object of their affection, as he would still be in Oakland or wherever Billy Beane traded him.

Why is he mentioning Billy Beane?

The White Sox wouldn't have needed to give up Ryan Sweeney and their two best pitching prospects (Gio Gonzalez and Fautino de los Santos) to get him. GM Ken Williams paid heavy freight when New Year's Day passed and he found himself running out of options. He was under fire from his fan base for failing to land off-season targets Torii Hunter, Miguel Cabrera and Fukudome, among others, but still determined to build a contender around the aging 3-4-5 combination of Jim Thome, Paul Konerko and Dye.

Oh, Holy Mother of Gibbon Crap! It's back! Phil's back! Here we go!

Now Ryan Sweeney's the crown jewel of the trade?!

Check the numbers, people. What exactly would have Sweeney offered the Sox this year or the next five years that they don't already have? He's basically a slap hitter who's had only 169 abs so far. The Sox got Nick Swisher! And cheaply!

Also, I didn't hear any Sox fans bemoan the failure of acquiring Cabrera, did you?

They're sixth in the league in OPS and fourth in homers. I think they're okay without Sweeney.

So Williams swallowed hard and rolled the dice on Swisher, a first baseman-outfielder who never had driven in more than 95 runs.

Specious, specious, specious!

Swisher spent the bulk of his time with the A's in the two-hole, not exactly the ideal spot to drive in a buttload of runs. Cripes! Look this shit up. Or watch baseball. Either one works.

While the 23-year-old Sweeney is hitting a soft .290 as Oakland's No. 2 hitter, the trade is doing exactly what Williams hoped it would. John Danks and Gavin Floyd have pitched so well that Gonzalez still would be in Triple-A (De los Santos underwent Tommy John surgery in May) and Swisher...

Soft is an understatement.

And let's really give some facts here.

Gio Gonzalez had a nice little season last year in an extremely pitcher-friendly league. Some people mentioned this. This year, he has a 5.51 ERA and a 1.51 WHIP in Triple-A in the notoriously hitter-friendly PCL. He's walked 42 guys in 81.2 innings. By every measure, he's been bad.

Santos' TJS adds oodles to the question marks everybody previously had about him. But he's young. Who knows? But we can take him out of the equation until 2010 now.

So the Sox got Swisher, a 27 year-old outfielder/first baseman who is signed through 2011 at an extraordinarily cheap price for a banjo hitter and a guy who two teams gave up on and who is stinking up Triple-A right now.

Looks like it was Beane who rolled the dice now.

Given that Swisher also is signed through 2011, at a savings of more than $5 million a year over Fukudome, Williams might be getting a bargain.

Might?

Is Phil trying to temper his previous blatherings on this issue?

Christo doesn't forget.

Orlando Cabrera never is going to be a bargain for the White Sox, not with Williams dealing Jon Garland to get him. But like the Swisher deal, Garland-for-Cabrera is providing an immediate dividend (it better, as Cabrera looks like a rental who will be gone after this season).

Where does Garland fit into this year's rotation, especially given his contract issues.

Again, I've seen every one of Garland's starts. What does Garland have in common with Ricky Nolasco, Jeff Suppan, Tim Redding and Nick Blackburn? They all have nearly the same statistics this year (and all have an ERA of 4.05). He's just a guy who doesn't get injured and gives you 200 mediocre innings.

Garland would have been a de-facto rental this year for the Sox as well. No way they would have given him the four years and $12-$13 million he'll be looking for.

Cabrera won't sign with the Sox next year and I still think he's a better #2 hitter but as of this writing and how Danks and Floyd have pitched, the Sox have gotten the better end of this deal. How can it possibly be argued otherwise? Let's go to alternate universes where Uribe is playing short for the Sox this year. How would that have gone?

With Cabrera and Swisher, the White Sox have baseball's least likely first-place team. They aren't the same punch-less bunch that scored two runs in their three games against the Cubs at the Cell a year ago.

Phil. Again. You can't take back the verbiage you wrote at the beginning of this year. And quit this 'immediate returns' bullshit. It's not like Kenny signed a bunch of 48 year-olds to make a run this year. Both trades benefitted the team immensely and they gave up little to do so.

Like their stubborn general manager, they keep fighting back.

Mariotti-lite potshot.

Where have you gone, Andy Gonzalez?

What?

Phil Watch: I'm Quite Astonished!

It started a few weeks ago.

A curious thing began to creep into Phil's text. Heck, it even began to consume his entire columns.

I can only refer to this strange beast as something resembling...REASON.

His hyperbole had been dialed back, his dumb-ass prognostications were nearly non-existent and his pick of topics have been followed with a measured analysis clearly within the ballpark of a sane and rational human being.

In short, he's been readable. With all the crap currently being written in town (see Mariotti's latest who, btw, apparently asked for a security detail in the Wrigley press box over the weekend), Phil's looking merely mundane instead insanely moronic of late.

A few weeks ago, during a particularly boring Phil Watch for me that nonetheless deserved a post, a clear feeling of redundant redundancy washed over me. As he continued to repeat himself, I felt like the gamut of barbs currently stocked in my arsenal had been exhausted. It was becoming less fun for me. In a sense, Phil had begun to win the battle of attrition.

Now he pumps out four columns over the weekend with a couple of short articles and a power ranking to boot that are only something a normal person would write. Christo confused.

So as the last two weekends have shown, Phil Watch will now pick and choose their projects instead of poring over every word plugged in by Phil's fingers.

I still say he returns to form sometime soon. Only nine days ago, he offered seven stupid-ass trade options for Griffey, so I have a feeling this is just a sabbatical for Phil.

To further back up Mate's Thome hatred, I give you his 2008 clutch statistics via baseballreference.com (click to enlarge):

Ugly.

Phil Watch: Seven Stupid-Ass Options For Griffey

No Whispers From Around The League? Ahhh, c'mon!

Phil's regular Sunday column wasn't horrible upon first glance. And then it was.

Let's get started.

Griffey entered the weekend hitting .256 with seven homers and 30 RBIs in 227 at-bats. He ranked 13th in OPS (on-base plus slugging) among 15 big-league right fielders with enough plate appearances to qualify for the batting title, sandwiched between Houston's Hunter Pence and Atlanta's Jeff Francoeur.

WHHHHAAAAA????

That's a real analysis! See. Teams cannot create a tenth position or put twelve hitters in a lineup. This is something out of their control. They can field only one right fielder and that position carries with it some expectations w/r/t offensive output.

But how is Phil going to make a case for a team taking on a player with this track record?

Neither of those guys is having a great season, but would a contender want to have them? You better believe it. So why wouldn't several teams at least strongly consider Griffey before the trade deadline? Among those who possibly could use him:

Holy mother of shit!

That's the dumbest logic I've seen in four days, right after an anorexic woman on Thursday who asked about the fat content of everything on the menu and then proceeded to order the four cheese pizza with a tiramisu and a whole milk cappuccino for dessert.

Here's seven gazillion reasons why.

Hunter Pence is 25, four years away from free-agency and currently makes $396,000 this year.

Jeff Francoeur is 24, just under three years away from free-agency and makes $460,000.

Ken Griffey is 38, makes $12.5 million this year, has a club option of $16.5 million next year with a $4 million buyout, has seen a precipitous decline in hitty-type stuff in recent years and has played something resembling a full season exactly once since 2000 due to a bevy of injuries.

And it doesn't get better. Of all major-league right fielders, Griffey is 20th out of 24 in OPS among qualified hitters.

He's 107th in all of baseball. Jason Kubel is better. Nobody's giving up prospects for Jason Kubel.

It's all relative to what is given up, how much it costs now and down the road and whether current options can equal Griffey's expected output! Cripes! That's just dumb!

Let's get to Phil's possible options.

Dodgers: They have almost no power in the outfield (zero homers in 276 at-bats by their left fielders entering the weekend) and hit 25 points less against right-handers than left-handers. Griffey could join manager Joe Torre in giving this patchwork team more presence as it continues to reel in fading Arizona.

Totally deceptive analysis. Juan Pierre is in left for the Dodgers, a guy Phil praised in the past and who is NOT a homerun hitter. So who's benched? Pierre - a guy with a huge contract and is the only thing resembling a leadoff hitter on the Dodgers team or Matt Kemp - a guy with with a better OPS than Griffey this year and is 15 years younger. Or Andre Ethier - a switch hitter also OPSing better than Griffey and is 12 years younger.

And what happens when Andruw Jones comes off the DL? Another guy with a huge contract that will have to see playing time. So the Dodgers should trade for another impossibly old player with a monstrous contract and impede the development of their young players just to have a left-handed stick who hits right-handed pitching at a .262 clip, all for a slim chance to make a run at Arizona; something that won't help/happen and only to get their brains beat in the first round of the playoffs should they make it.

Verdict: Stupid-ass option.

Diamondbacks: They loved their outfield a year ago but find themselves with disappointing production from both corners. Eric Byrnes was hitting .219 when he went on the DL with a hamstring injury, and Justin Upton is 4-for-66 with 33 strikeouts in road games since April 25. His 10th-inning double Thursday was his first extra-base hit in a road game since April 23. Both Byrnes and Upton are right-handed hitters, so Griffey could fit.

Byrnes injured BOTH hamstrings early in the season and tried to play through it, resulting in said crappy output.

Upton is one of the best and sure prospects in recent years. Sure, he's been shitty of late but Phil is positing the addition of Griffey and the subtraction of Upton. I thought Phil was all about prospects? This stupidity flies in the face of everything Phil has belched out about the White Sox for the last six months!!!!!!!

And get off this left-handed stick argument usurping every other factor. You sound like a Mike Murphy caller.

Verdict: Stupid-ass option.

Cubs: Lou Piniella has been pushing to add a left-handed run-producer. That need had been lessened by the recent hitting of Kosuke Fukudome and Jim Edmonds, but the broken hand of Alfonso Soriano changes things again. Still, it's doubtful Edmonds and Griffey could fit on the same roster.

So sign him for a month? And be left with trying to move him again, ultimately leaving the Cubs involved in some contractual obligation?

Cripes. You answered your own question.

Verdict: Stupid-ass-ass-ass option.

Mets: Left field has been a wasteland with Moises Alou experiencing a run of injuries. Like the Dodgers, they're better from the right side of the plate than the left, so Griffey could fit.

I say again. Griffey is not tearing up RHPs this year! Two. Sixty. Two.

And adding Griffey would bloat an already huge payroll. But it's not a bad option.

Verdict: Mildly reasonable.

Indians: GM Mark Shapiro admits he second-guesses himself for not adding a corner outfielder during the off-season. It's not too late for Cleveland to make a run at the White Sox, but it's not going to happen if it continues to rank at the bottom of the AL in production from right field, left field and DH. The loss of Victor Martinez for two months and possibly the season after elbow surgery and uncertain status of Travis Hafner (on the DL with a bad shoulder) exacerbates the need to add a bat.

The Indians are already wringing their hands about giving Sabathia a huge contract extension. So let's give Griffey about $10 million (this year plus buy-out) just to make it look like they care. There is nothing that says the Indians will make a run this year. Ben Francisco is having himself a nice little season and David Delucci is OPSing at the same rate as Griffey. If Shapiro makes such a move, it would be a dumb one.

Verdict: Not a stupid-ass option. Just a stupid option.

Rays: This isn't a great roster fit, as left-handed hitters Eric Hinske,Gabe Gross and Cliff Floyd are doing all right in the right field-DH mix, but geographically it could be attractive. Griffey would be an upgrade in the outfield (149 career assists, compared to five for Hinske) and packs a big presence.

Griffey would single-handedly beat teams with his infectious smile. They would crumble in the presence of such charisma. Forget LH-hitting analyses now because it doesn't fit into the Rays argument.

They're not 'doing all right'. They're better and cheaper than Griffey.

And Hinske's played 80 fucking games in the outfield IN HIS CAREER!!!!!!!

Griffey's played 2248 games!

The only reason for the Rays to add Griffey is to put butts in seats. No. Other. Reason.

Verdict: Stupid-ass option, but might happen.

Twins: Ron Gardenhire generally uses the DH spot to get his regulars some rest. Griffey could get at-bats there and in left field, where the right-handed-hitting Delmon Young has been the regular.

How dare Delmon Young be right-handed. Blasphemer.

Again. Platoon another young guy trying to get his feet wet and figure some things out with a $10 million commitment and will cost some prospects, something Phil loves and the Twins just got in the Santana deal. All for a team that is going nowhere this year.

Verdict: Stupid-ass option.

Blue Jays: Toronto's DHs are hitting a whopping .214.

Phil doesn't mention that Frank Thomas' .166 average drags these numbers down because Phil loves Frank.

And again, trade for a $10 million commitment and add him to a team going nowhere? JHC! This is getting brutally repetitive.

Verdict: Stupid-ass option.

Red Sox: Boston's need depends on the health of David Ortiz.The Red Sox will take a look at his left wrist later this week. If surgery is required, Griffey would be an ideal replacement for the defending World Series champs.

Let's see. Drew in right. Manny is left. Ellsbury in center. Crisp spelling all of them and in the DH slot when he's not. Where's Griffey playing? And what does he add that the Sox don't already have? And what happens when Ortiz comes back? Do they just dump him?

Verdict: Stupid-ass-ass option.

Power Rankings For Morons up next. Ugh.

PFRM: Anything You Can Do, I Can Do Better

Voluminous little fucker. Phil even squeezed in an article about the RBI program in Compton late yesterday.

I feel a vacation coming on. Curious, though, the power rankings weren't listed on the Tribune sports site. I had to go diggin' for it.

But it's good (or bad, or good, I'm torn) to see Phil's back to his old self by puking out recycled shit and typing random crap about each team irrespective of its actual relevance to a team's baseball goodness.

That's why it's called Power Rankings For Morons.

Let's get started.

1. Cubs (1): No team in the majors is as balanced as the one Lou Piniella runs. It is the only one that's in the top third of all the team hitting and pitching stats. That's why until further notice the Cubs have edged past powerful Boston and fading Arizona to give baseball a clear-cut team to beat.

Arizona? That train left a few weeks ago!

Look. They're good.

Some pitching concerns: Zambrano is fine. Still not a #1. Dempster is a prime candidate to regress to his career mean. Ted Lilly has a 5.51 ERA and 1.78 WHIP in his last three starts against three teams not exactly sporting a murderer's row (San Diego, Colorado & Pittsburgh). Sean Gallagher is your de-facto fifth starter because Rich Hill has been stinky and still too walky at Triple-A. Jason Marquis? Nice start yesterday but you're still Jason Marquis. Wood, Marmol and Howry are on pace to appear in 9,000 games this year. Good luck with that.

2. Phillies (3): It's a shame Philadelphia plays only two regular-season series with the Cubs. The first came in Philadelphia the second week of the season, with the Phillies winning two of three. The other is scheduled for Aug. 28-31 at Wrigley Field. If these teams stay intact until then, that should be some series. The Phillies don't have a starting rotation to scare anyone, but the rest of this team is pennant-worthy. They can put a hurt on you, especially in their bandbox ballpark.

And the Cubs rotation scares you?

3. Red Sox (2): David Ortiz's injury is a real concern. The Big Papi-Manny Ramirez combination is what has made Boston so fearsome, and it's not the same team with only half of that combination on the field. The Red Sox need Ortiz's wrist to heal. Coco Crisp's seven-game suspension for the Tampa Bay brawl was ill-timed.

Since Ortiz went down on May 31, J.D. Drew has been doing his best imitation of Leonidas I, king of Sparta, slayer of all Persians.

Let's extrapolate Drew's numbers since June 1 out to a full 162 game season, just for shits and giggles.

Drew: 547 abs 60 2b 20 3b 80 hr 200 rbi 120 bb 20 k 20 sb for a .519/1.148/1.748 line.

More relevant.

5. Angels (11): Don't judge this team by its record. It isn't as strong as the mark Mike Scioscia, probably baseball's best manager, usually produces, but could turn around quickly if Vladimir Guerrero gets it going.

Phil has never watched the Angels play baseball games. Every mention is some vague shit like this. The whole starting rotation outside of Lackey has the potential to get lit up occasionally but every one of them has the potential to sport a 0.0000008 ERA for weeks at a time. Well, not Garland but he's exceeded my expectations this year, which were abysmally low.

A team only needs just enough hitting during those stretches to win baseball games, which they've had.

6. Braves (5): John Smoltz's shoulder surgery takes away the easy road for a team that hasn't won nearly as many games as it should. Never count out Bobby Cox, but can Mark Teixeira and Chipper Jones hit enough for Atlanta to salvage a 90-win season after this shaky beginning? It's starting to look doubtful.

In Phil's 'should' universe, the Cubbies win 162 games every season and sweep through the playoffs. And they do it with a roster stocked with only their own draft picks. It's cuter that way and it's the only way a team should win.

BTW, in Phil's world, the sixth-best team in baseball is .500.

7. Rays (4): The selection of high school shortstop Tim Beckham with the first pick in the draft shows that general manager Andrew Friedman is still thinking long-term. That's impressive, given their unexpected standing as contenders.

Um...what? Did you expect them to draft Kimbo Slice because they're winning now?

8. Cardinals (8): Adam Wainwright and Todd Wellemeyer, two of the three pitchers who have kept this team together, are uncertain for their next starts because of finger and elbow injuries, respectively. Wellemeyer has never piled up innings the way he has this year, which has to be a concern.

Why isn't it a concern for the Cubs, or the A's for that matter (we'll get to that)?

9. Diamondbacks (6): When Bob Melvin hit Micah Owings eighth, in front of outfielder Alex Romero, he was admitting Arizona's new reality: Scoring runs is a daily challenge, and the lineup continues to rely on home runs.

WWWWWHHHHOOOAAAAA!!!!!!!!

Now hitting the pitcher eighth is a clear sign a team has trouble scoring runs????????

Where the fuck was this during Phil's Ned Yost snide analysis?

I give you three reasons this is dumb:

1) Hitting the pitcher eighth is always stupid

2) Hitting the pitcher eighth is always stupidly stupid

3) Hitting the pitcher eighth is always stupidly stupid stupidness

10. Athletics (15): Eric Chavez picked a good time to get back.

Now that's analysis. Remember his exultation of the A's good, young pitching staff?

Dana Eveland is his last two starts: 10.38 ERA/2.65 WHIP at home against Detroit and Toronto.

Greg Smith is his last five starts, taking out a nice start against Toronto, has a 6.26 ERA and a 1.61 WHIP.

Duchscherer has inexicably become a legitimate starting pitcher but hasn't thrown more than 97 innings in the majors and hasn't thrown more than 155 innings since 2003.

If innings are a concern for Todd Wellemeyer, why not these guys?

Oh yeah, Frank Thomas is on the DL and isn't expected back anytime soon. A little snide jab.

11. Blue Jays (9): You can't win by pitching alone. Toronto hasn't had a three-homer game since April 8. The Blue Jays hope Vernon Wells' return will give them a little more pop.

Three-homer game stat? How about a lineup, any lineup, with Kevin Mench, Matt Stairs, Rod Barajas, Brad Wilkerson, David Eckstein and Marco Scutaro in it. It's a softball team with Eckstein and Scutaro as the try-hard guys.

12. Mets (13): Now we'll see what happens when you put Pedro Martinez and Johan Santana in the same rotation.

Does Phil actually think Pedro is still a good pitcher? He currently has a shoulder and hamstring held together by bamboo and twine.

15. Yankees (14): If this is Mike Mussina's last season in New York, he's going out on his terms. He's been excellent under difficult circumstances, winning eight of his last nine starts to buy time for an otherwise shaky pitching staff.

Giambi hitting .333 with 5 hrs over the last fifteen days, A-Rod's back and hitting, Johnny Damon's 30 for his last 59 with 12 RBI, Darrell Rasner has been superlatively good and the team has kept their head above the .500 mark (if barely) while dealing with a shitload of injuries, one to the best player in the history of all history.

More relevant.

16. Brewers (20): Ned Yost is considering sticking with Salomon Torres as his closer once Eric Gagne is off the disabled list. That makes sense, but how long will Gagne will be able to coexist in a secondary role?

Does Phil read the newspaper? Gagne, himself has said his days as a closer may be over.

17. Dodgers (19): The definition of desperation: trading for Angel Berroa.

True, dat. Gotta say, that was almost funny. And they picked up all of his salary!

19. Orioles (23): Garrett Olson and Radhames Liz have left no need for Steve Trachsel in the starting rotation. Perhaps Baltimore is turning the corner.

Another WWWHHHOOOAAA!!!

Phil lamented the skipping of Trachsel's starts just two weeks ago. What's changed about his inherent Trachselness?

21. Reds (21): The White Sox were afraid Cincinnati would grab Georgia shortstop Gordon Beckham with the seventh pick of the draft, one ahead of the Sox, but instead they took power-hitting Miami first baseman Yonder Alonso. He could be a monster at the Great American Ball Park.

Unless he's switching positions. Joey Votto has first for years to come. They DFA'd Hatteburg because of Votto's goody goodness. Maybe they can play both at first. Is there some loophole in the rulebook that I don't know about? He's slower than a really slow-type slow person. Sticking him in right makes him a poor man's version of Adam Dunn in the best universe, someone who Phil was constantly demanded the Reds trade. How's that an upgrade?

23. Rangers (16): No team in the majors allows more unearned runs. You wouldn't think that would happen with a middle-infield combination of Michael Young and Ian Kinsler.

Kinsler? He's never been known as a spectacular fielder. Even Baseball America, a site Phil writes for, said as much in every minor-league scouting report on him and he's been at or near the bottom of fielding percentage for second basemen every year in the majors!

27. Nationals (25): Rob Mackowiak's release underscored the impotence of Washington's outfield. In terms of on-base plus slugging percentage, the Nats rank 30th in left field, 26th in center and 30th in right.

I'm confused. How does the release of Mackowiak underscore anything?

29. Royals (28): The annual free fall is under way. Don't know why, but one wonders if David DeJesus has deserved all this losing.

What? DeJesus? This shit's been going on for a while now. And it's not just Phil. David DeJesus is a pretty light-hitting guy with just above-average speed who doesn't walk enough to justify his inherent light-hitty, just above-average hitty-speedness.

He hits the free-agent market in 2010. I nominate him to be the most overpaid free-agent signing of that year. He's a fine little player but has not and will not substantially help any team in this or any other world.

30. Mariners (29): Something's got to give, and soon. Ownership is paying heavily for a starting rotation that ranks 27th in the majors in ERA and a lineup that is last in the majors in on-base percentage.

I didn't think they'd fall this far but what in that lineup made you think it would be any different?

Phil Watch: Let's Pound This Out

Phil did a mock draft yesterday.

He got five of the thirty picks right. Five.

By contrast, I got two of the top ten right while never even hearing the names of any of the selections until three days ago. I figure if you're going to be horribly wrong in life, at least be entertaining (read: Mike Huckabee).

Today, Phil analyses the Cubs/Sox first round picks. Well...analyse may be strong. He certainly types words into a computer.

An opening statement to Phil: I get it, you get it, everyone gets it. You don't care for the Sox farm system and the way Kenny has used it in particular. It's understood. You can shut up about it now. Writing it 18 times in the last five-plus months only makes you look like a hackneyed sportswriter devoid of new ideas and ready to be put out to pasture.

Lets' get started.

Here's hoping White Sox fans soon will love Gordon Beckham.

He could become the first homegrown regular at shortstop since Bucky Dent, who was traded to the New York Yankees for Oscar Gamble and LaMarr Hoyt at the start of the 1977 season.

I really hope Phil doesn't think Bucky Dent was a great Major-League player, a guy who had a .247 lifetime average and OPS+ed a lifetime 74. He's known for one home run.

But hey, he was homegrown, then traded. So in Phil world, he OPS+ed a 258. In Phil world, the Cubbies win the World Series every year, Dusty Baker is worshipped as the Sun God and if a team trades any draft picks or minor league talent, they're immediately disbanded.

(After a Jim Callis quote extolling Beckham's ability and how the White Sox were extremely lucky he fell to them) Given the circumstances, he's right.

Circumstances? Oh yeah! Phil's been making a curious point without actually saying it lately that the Sox 11-6 finish to the season last year cost them a higher draft pick. I don't want to think that Phil endorses tanking games but if you mention it three times in a week...well...I will think it.

But while hoping that the solid-fielding, power-hitting Beckham won't bend...

Get it?

White Sox fans should keep their eyes on two other guys: left-handed-hitting catcher Buster Posey and Cutter Dykstra, Lenny's son.

Don't watch the player your team drafted, a superlative player by every measure and a real coup for the Sox to get. Watch players the White Sox could have gotten if they tanked games in September or the guy they could have drafted with the supplement pick they surrendered for signing Linebrink.

These are more important matters.

Posey, who drew some consideration from Tampa Bay before it took Georgia high school shortstop Tim Beckham (no relation) with the first overall pick Thursday, could have been the White Sox's pick if they had not finished strong in inconsequential games in September.

I no longer think it. I know it. Phil is wholeheartedly endorsing the tanking of baseball games.

No ifs, ands or buts.

This man is getting paid to write about baseball. Paid!

As for Dykstra, a high school outfielder and bundle of energy who could wind up as an infielder and leadoff man, he was Milwaukee's pick in the second round. Maybe you won't hear of him again, but maybe you will. If you do, consider he was just as much of a cost for signing set-up man Scott Linebrink as his $19 million price tag. The Brewers got the White Sox's pick as compensation.

Phil. Stop it with this '$19 million price tag' shit. It's $4 million this year for a guy that has completely shored up the Sox bullpen this year, an issue that was a classic laugh romp in incompetence last year.

Giving away draft picks is not the way to build a deep farm system. It's something you do when you're filling gaps to try to compete now.

Have you noticed something?

Yes? Me, too.

Phil hasn't said one in-depth thing about Beckham yet outside of a dopey Bend It Like Beckham joke. But we did get a better descriptor about Lenny Dykstra's son and we are currently in the throws of yet another Philism where he blathers on about the lack of depth in the Sox farm system.

Phil. Get back to me when even one of the Sox prospects traded in the last ten years becomes a bona-fide Major League player (Chris Young doesn't count yet).

Linebrink's performance and the White Sox's spot atop the American League Central standings give general manager Ken Williams some justification for borrowing once again from tomorrow to have a better today.

Some? So if Dykstra hits .330 in Single-A this year and Linebrink regresses to some mean, it's a failure?

Single-A games don't count in the ML standings. You know that Phil, don't you?

But the philosophy has contributed to the Sox farm system being devoid of impact bats with the potential to replace Paul Konerko, Jim Thome and Jermaine Dye—average age: 34—in the middle of the order.

Yes. We've heard that. But what about Brad Eldred?

Beckham, 21, is hitting .397 with 24 homers and 65 RBIs in 62 games for Georgia entering this weekend's NCAA super regional series against North Carolina State. A quarterback-safety at The Westminster School in Atlanta, he has 49 career home runs for Georgia since turning down some football offers to concentrate on baseball.

There we go. Here's a thought, though. this might be something you insert in the first half of an analysis about yesterday's draft. Phil. Belching forth the same shit you've written 12,444,387 times is akin to watching the same crappy episode of My Boys 28 times in a row (BTW, I watched about five minutes of a My Boys rerun last night from last year and they were talking about the cicadas in Chicago - how horribly topical. New episodes next week, my friends).

The Cubs figure to be in more of a hurry with their first-round pick, Texas Christian right-hander Andrew Cashner, as he has the kind of arm that could help a big-league bullpen quickly.

What? He's not gonna...

General manager Jim Hendry and others will downplay the short-term expectations for Cashner, but scouts with other clubs believe his running fastball in the mid-90s and often-electric slider would play in the big leagues. He held batters to a .122 average this season, striking out 80 in 541/3 innings as a reliever. It's a long shot that Cashner can help a first-place team this season but not out of the question.

Yep. Phil's not the only one spewing this shit. Matt Blood of Baseball America said it as well.

The scouting report on Cashner says he throws ridiculously hard and his fastball is Major League ready. But he has no effective secondary pitch.

Please. Cubs. Rush him. I would love to see this shit happen.

I put a bet on the table - $12,000,000 he isn't called up this year and doesn't see action until September next year.

Phil Watch: The Sox Need A Miracle And His Name Is...

Brad Eldred?

I was going to branch out from Phil Watch and skewer this superlatively shit-ass Woody Paige column that I happened upon where Woody goes over the possible trading chips the Rockies could get for Matt Holliday but FireJoeMorgan beat me to it.

Phil doesn't post on Tuesdays. But he did this Tuesday and it's quite a gem.

Apparently the White Sox are in such dire shape at the top of the AL Central with 26 of their next 38 at home and the competition far from stellar that they should correct their inherent slowness and feast-or-famine type lineup with an career minor leaguer who is an inherently slow, feast-or-famine type hitter.

Let's get started.

Brad Eldred is 27 and a mountain of a hitter. He is listed at 6 feet 5 inches and 275 pounds, and he's leading the Triple-A International League with 52 runs batted in—15 more than the heralded Jay Bruce had when Cincinnati promoted him a week ago.

Eldred indeed has 52 RBI to go along with 19 homers. Which is good.

What is not good is using RBI, a statistic entirely flawed by every measure to get a sense of a prospect's ability given it's so damn reliant on the rest of your team (Eldred's batting .259 with RISP, BTW).

He also in hitting .256 overall, has a pitiful .314 OBP (13 walks in 203 abs) and has already struck out 64 times this year, averaging one every 3.17 abs. That's bad. Real. Bad.

How's this type of production going to help? I can't wait to see how Phil details Eldred's playing time options. Who's he going to sit?

And w/r/t that stupid-ass Bruce/Eldred comparison:

Bruce: .364/.393/.630 - hit .381 with RISP.

Eldred: .256/.314/.606 - hit .259 with RISP.

I think it's safe to say Bruce probably had a few less opportunities (58-42). And is a ridiculously better player.

Eldred spent six seasons in the Pittsburgh organization before the White Sox signed him as a minor-league free agent last winter. He hit 136 homers during that time, but only 14 of them came in the National League. His average was .199 in 74 big-league games.

This doesn't even tell half the tale of Brad Eldred in the Majors.

I know. I watched him because every year, Christo thinks he's smarter than everyone else in fantasy baseball and drafts a few players in the mid to late rounds that he thinks are going to surprise the baseball world (this year, it was J.R. Towles).

Eldred was my guy in 2005-07 and he was bad. Remember Ryan Shealy? He was the Rockies first baseman blocked by Helton a few years ago that was shipped off to Kansas City for Phil's favorite guy, Jeremy Affeldt.

The Royals thought they got a steal of a guy who hit 900 home runs in the minors. The problem was that he was 14 feet tall and Major League pitching found 8,000 holes in his swing and he struck out 1000 times in 999 at bats.

Eldred was worse.

Maybe he's ready to take his hitting to the next level, as Carlos Quentin has done since joining the Sox. But maybe he's not.

Two totally different players, you dope. And way to cover your ass.

Guillen's frustration is as understandable as the public back-and-forth between him and Sox general manager Ken Williams has been intriguing. In the end, this is most likely leading nowhere, like most of the Guillen sound bites that end with his saying the situation was overblown because "that's the way it is with the Chicago media."

Actually, Guillen got a free pass on this one in my view.

I don't think it was 'understandable' at all. The guy essentially called for the firing of Greg Walker and used the media as an outlet to do it. If I were Walker, I would have called him a two-faced piece of shit. Then he essentially told his boss to do his damn job, which if I were Kenny, I would have said, 'Don't let the door hit your ass on the way out.'

You see, you can't bitch and moan about the media ad nauseam and then use it to do the dirty work. And quit saying 'I'm not going to protect my players anymore.' It's dipshitty. Nowhere else in baseball is this type of shit talked about more than the Sox clubhouse. It's pricky and stupid.

And on that note, don't ever trust anyone in life who constantly refers to his words as 'I'm just being honest.' It usually means he's not being honest, he's just going out of his way to be an asshole. It's a shield for the stupid and graceless.

The facts are that this is a team with an old, all-or-nothing lineup that finished last in the American League in several hitting statistics a year ago, including batting average and on-base average, and that the two guys imported by Williams to be impact guys haven't gotten it done.

So let's add another guy who is all-or-nothing with a bad batting average and brutal OBP. Heck, toss him on the pile.

The guys who are really hurting the Sox — who, yes, are still in first place in an unexpectedly wide-open AL Central — are 37-year-old Jim Thome and 32-year-old Paul Konerko, whose combined 16 homers in 364 at-bats aren't enough to offset their batting averages of .212 and .205, respectively.

Both Konerko and Thome are historically better hitters from June through September.

Where exactly does Phil think Eldred is going to play?

The one move available to Williams is to put Konerko on the disabled list, letting him rest his bruised right thumb and take a break after wearing himself down mentally. But the Sox's system doesn't have highly regarded prospects pushing to put themselves in the big-league mix.

Didn't Phil just make a case for Brad Eldred?

Jerry Owens could move into center field, allowing Swisher to fill in for Konerko at first base. Owens would provide some of the speed Guillen has rarely had since Scott Podsednik's legs went out on him early in 2006.

But this whole dealio was about Brad Eldred???!!!

Where would these Sox be if Williams hadn't also brought in Quentin in a terrific trade last winter? You can moan that there is no hitter like Cincinnati's Bruce in the farm system and that Williams grabbed Swisher and Cabrera from the discard pile rather than Josh Hamilton last winter, but give the GM credit for Quentin, who has put himself into the early MVP discussion.

Now it's kind of Kenny's fault for not getting Josh Hamilton. Who in their right mind thought Josh Hamilton was going to have a gazillion home runs before June?

And Cabrera? Discard pile? He was coming off a career offensive year and won a Gold Glove!

Swisher? Everyone expected Swisher to surpass his career numbers in every offensive category while playing in U.S. Cellular.

Discard Pile!!!???

If I lined up 100 monkeys and asked them which situation would be better for a team - Cabrera/Swisher or Josh Hamilton - 999 would have said Cabrera/Swisher with the last one leaving the group to play with his own feces, thereby abstaining from voting.

Of course, Arizona probably wouldn't have dealt Quentin if it hadn't taken an even better young player, center fielder Chris Young, from the White Sox in the Javier Vazquez trade.

(music) And the drums beat on and the drums beat on. The drums beat on and the drums beat on.

BTW, Chris Young is hitting .239 (again) and is on pace to strike out 150 times in the leadoff spot.

I think Javier Vazquez contributes more to his team than Young. Just a thought.

And what's happening here? Is Phil just using Guillen's tirade to blather on for the 12,000th time since the Swisher deal about the thin farm system?

That's the way it goes in the big leagues. You almost always have to give something to get something. That's why you are better off developing your own stars. The Sox got away from that philosophy with the win-now mandate Williams established in his early years on the job, and the bill for the short-term success is coming due.

Yep.

You sly dog, you.

Remember folks. World Series Championships don't count unless you do it the cutesy way - with your own players.

Guillen enjoyed the ride he was given when Williams went out and got guys like Freddy Garcia, Jose Contreras, A.J. Pierzynski and Podsednik before the World Series season.

Give it back, Sox. It doesn't count.

Every time a Sox fan references the 2005 championship from now on, I'm going to tell them it didn't count because your team was a bunch of bought-and-paid-for mercenaries.

Real men don't do it the home-grown way. Pussies.

But when all the established talent was arriving, home-grown run-producers Magglio Ordonez and Carlos Lee were departing, their price tags no longer a fit for the budget. The Sox are in their current quandary because they didn't get much from the generation of supposed run-producers behind Ordonez and Lee.

Um...what? I'm not even going to try to dissect that meandering detritus.

Except for...what's this current quandry? A sweep at Tampa Bay? It was three games in late May/early June! They're still in first place and coming home for a ridiculously long stretch of games!

Phil sounds like a meatball Sox fan who, inexplicably, are beginning to morph into something resembling Cub fans. THE SKY IS FALLING! THE SKY IS FALLING! with every. fucking. loss.

If Williams wants to do something dramatic — and isn't that always his style? — he can try to cut a deal with Barry Bonds. That would certainly give Guillen something to chew on. The surly Bonds could replace the respected Thome in the biggest clubhouse shake-up imaginable.

WE HAVE A WINNER! This is the stupidest thing Phil has EVER wrote, thoroughly drubbing the second place Phil-Math.

MY. FREAKING. GOD!

You're a moron x 1,254,679,631.

Would it help the Sox score runs? Maybe a little, but not enough to justify the move.

Then why write it. And why are you getting paid to write it.

Phil Watch: Less Interesting Interestingness

And we're back.

Ever have an acquaintance that keeps saying the same things over and over again?

For example, anytime a certain topic comes up, he/she just belches out the same opinion/fact/statistic/anecdote to bolster his/her already dopey argument.

Sometimes, in the course of discourse, you just sit back and wait for said person to get to it. You know it's coming and, if the conversation is dull (and it usually is), you make a game for yourself to see how they're going to find some nebulous way to insert their little nugget into the conversation.

As an aside, this game works for narcissists as well. Sit back and see how every conversation works back to some boring-ass tidbit about their personal life.

Well, we know Phil fits the former mold and this week, he doesn't disappoint.

And today, we will take what Phil offers and simply insert a more interesting offering that can be found on these internets in less than 4.000003333084575763 seconds.

Let's get started.

Root, root, rooting for the home team is especially rewarding this season.

In one of those trends that defy explanation, home-field advantage is a big factor in the major leagues this season—a really big factor, in fact. Just ask the Cubs or the Red Sox, the Braves or the Diamondbacks.

Home teams entered the weekend with a .577 winning percentage, with only seven of the 30 teams under .500 in their home park. That percentage was in the .550-.555 range in each of the last three seasons, and was barely .530 in 2004.

What gives?

First, do you have to ask the question? How about offering a few possible reasons.

Like...

Parity. The mantra of nearly every sportswriter this season has been the fact that no team or select group of teams are head-and-shoulders above the rest. Why? Many established stars got suspiciously old and old quickly (see the own boring-ass example of Travis Hafner who just went on the DL with a 'shoulder' issue).

Include the fact that many historically bad teams have injected gobs of superior young talent into their lineups/pitching staffs over the last two years and you have a recipe for parity alla milanese with a glorious garlic gremolata.

With this season being even closer to 'all things being equal', home-field advantage means superlatively more. I'm not going to get into why home field matters, like Phil does, because it's like asking if you get a better night's sleep in your own bed or the trunk of your car.

But a more interesting fact: In May, adding up the month's records of every team brings a combined record of 256-157, a .620 winning percentage.

That's a more interesting fact. See. More interesting. And would bolster Phil's argument even more. But, well, it took me about ten minutes to do some addition and subtraction with a pen and paper. So, you know.

Oh, BTW, the D'backs are 9-9 at home in May. So I won't be 'asking them'.

May Breakdown:

AL East: 50-15 (TB: 13-3, BOS: 12-0, TOR: 10-3)

AL Central: 34-33 (CWS: 6-3, CLE: 8-7, everyone else .500 or worse)

AL West: 33-23 (LAA and OAK: 9-6)

NL East: 46-26 (FLA: 11-4, ATL: 14-3)

NL Central: 60-22 (CHI: 14-2, CIN: 12-2)

NL West: 33-38 (Padres only team over .500 at 7-6, SFG: 3-9)

According to sources, Tampa Bay will select either Vanderbilt third baseman Pedro Alvarez or Georgia high school shortstop Tim Beckham with the first pick in Thursday's draft.

That narrows it down.

More interesting: The age (24) and play of Dioner Navarro going back to late last year have pushed the Rays off taking a catcher with the first pick, allowing them to look at other needs and possibly take a bigger chance in this year's draft.

Following a crapload of filler chronicling Pedro Martinez's opinion on David Price chockablock with quotes culled from MLB.com's Minor League site (I'm beginning to think Phil takes the same amount of time to write his columns as I do mocking him), we are offered this:

"That club over there is playing with more confidence, and they are a little tougher than we are now." — Indians manager Eric Wedge on the White Sox, who won five of six over Cleveland in May, dealing the Indians a serious blow.

Beat another fucking drum!

This is the fourth time Phil's mentioned this in the last two weeks!

Let's go to Phil's whispers. Ear to the ground, my friends.

Carlos Zambrano's 130-pitch start on Wednesday matched the total in Jon Lester's no-hitter, the highest in the majors this season. Five teams (Oakland, Washington, Arizona, Tampa Bay and Toronto) hadn't allowed a pitcher to throw even 115 in an outing entering the weekend. Eyebrows were raised when the Giants let Tim Lincecum throw 119 on Tuesday, but his next-to-last pitch was clocked at 97 m.p.h.

First, good little nugget here. I didn't know the specifics of that. Thanks, Phil.

But. Just because a hard-throwing starter is still throwing 97 late in the game doesn't mean everything's peachy. Pitch counts are watched because of the resulting wear and tear on arms revealed in days after a start and over the days, weeks and months of the season.

See the gazillions of hard throwers derailed by stupid managers (see Dusty) overusing young, hard throwing arms (see Prior and Wood). You know, an example that took place about four miles from Phil's cubicle. But hey, Prior was still throwing hard in the eighth. Let's let him throw a few dozen more pitches in a game in early May.

What would C.C. Sabathia bring at the trade deadline? The Indians are going to have to consider that question if they don't get turned around. The Brewers might likewise have to swallow hard and deal Ben Sheets. Both will be free agents.

More previously-stated filler. I'm beginning to think Phil is resigned to the fact that he doesn't have regular readers or thinks his regular readers are falling asleep in the course of reading.

Tickets for the All-Star Game have increased from a top price of $285 in San Francisco last year to $725 at Yankee Stadium. It will be interesting to see what they are dialed back to when the event moves to St. Louis in 2009 and Anaheim in 2010.

Or not interesting. Either/or.

With the Brewers 12th in the NL in scoring, manager Ned Yost decided it was time to abandon his experiment of batting the pitcher eighth and catcher Jason Kendall ninth. The other plan was making it easy to pitch around No. 7 hitter J.J. Hardy, who was hitting .146 with men in scoring position.

Thank God this dopey-ass little gimmick is starting to go away. What?! The no. 7 hitter's pitch selection was affected? The hell you say! Who da thunk it? Sticking the pitcher between the two worst hitters in the lineup makes a difference, effectively creating an even crappier bottom three than you previously had? Who could have expected that outcome?

Dodgers manager Joe Torre loves what he has seen from 20-year-old lefty Clayton Kershaw, who joined the Dodgers' rotation last weekend. "He's the real deal," Torre said.

Well I'm sold. What do you think of his 12-6 curveball? "He's the real deal." How do you plan to use him once Jason Schmidt returns? "He's the real deal." Must have been the only quote Phil could find on MLB.com.

It's possible Mets manager Willie Randolph will outlast first baseman Carlos Delgado at Shea Stadium. Minaya has been making calls about available first basemen, left fielders and right-handed relief pitchers and some believe he's sufficiently down on Delgado to swallow what's left on his $16 million salary.

Some? My mom? Ronnie Woo-Woo?

The Mets aren't going to swallow Delgado's contract one-third into the season. They're not going to swallow over $10 million yet. C'mon.

Deadline deal, maybe, nay probably. With serious cash considerations.

AND HOLY CRAP!!!!

We can take Phil Rogers' name off this offering about Uggla and Utley.

Why? Because it's the same exact offering from a columnist at the South Florida Sun-Sentinel that Phil vaguely cites as a source. Same quotes. Same structure. Same everything!

Really! What's the fucking point?

Somebody please explain to me why this is allowed at the Trib? I need an answer.