Phil Watch: Power Rankings For Morons

Anybody else surly because of the weather?

And I mean deeply-embedded surliness, the kind where you realize ten times a day that you have a scowl on your face for no immediate reason.

I used to get mad at people whose mood was affected by the weather, thinking they were wholly incapable of controlling their emotions and willingly letting something as simple as weather dictate their level of contentedness.

But if someone told me to shut the fuck up today, I would have relented...and said thank you. I deserved every bit of that.

But you know what immediately makes me giddy?

Phil putting fingers on the keyboard.

He's got the cure for the daily blues.

Did you know that he has weekly baseball power rankings?

Let's get started.

2. Angels (4): With John Lackey and Kelvim Escobar out, Jered Weaver, Jon Garland and Joe Saunders have been as good as the front end of any rotation in the majors. That says a lot about the depth of a well-balanced team.

I sort of hate being a fan of a team that all the baseball writers and oodles of fans like but don't know anything about because their games end at midnight. The bullpen blows. Darren Oliver is the best pitcher in the pen. Get it. Not the second-best team in baseball right now.

3. Indians (1): This is a very strong team, but it already has one serious question: Is the pressure of pitching for a nine-figure contract a negative for C.C. Sabathia? The reigning Cy Young Award winner allowed nine runs in 10 2/3 innings in his first two starts.

Yes. C.C. Sabathia forgot how to throw a baseball. Those first few years where he went 100-64 with a 3.86 ERA actually didn't happen and were a mirage. His first two starts of the season are an absolute determiner of future success. Fuck, why play the rest of the season?

Is it just me or has this year brought out more stupid stupidness about hot/cold starts from players/teams?

The. Season. Is. About. Ten. Days. Old.

Shut. The. Fuck. Up.

5. Padres (10): Oh, what would Jake Peavy give to have turned in a performance against Colorado in that one-game playoff last season like either of his first two 2008 starts? He's the best pitcher in baseball until stakes get raised.

The Padres are the fifth-best team in baseball. Maybe he means the Padres in the Camanche Minors 12 and under league sponsored by Determann Blacktop.

You see, in order for the powers that be to consider a particular team the victor in a given contest, they must score more runs than the other group of guys in a different colored uniform on the field at the same time.

The Padres do not score more runs than other teams. It's not in their blood.

Sidenote: There Will Be Blood was quite good. A bit of a mess but a glorious mess.

6. Smart hitters (NR): Kosuke Fukudome's bunt single Saturday was a stroke of genius. It's embarrassing how much better Japanese superstars understand the game than those who learn in North America, watching sluggers swing for the fences.

Too cute by half, ranking 'Smart Hitters' in the power rankings. And get ready for this drum to be beaten all season long. I expect many dopey columns about Fukudome from Phil when he can't think of a topic.

Gutsy + Smart + Heady + Playing the Right Way + Smarmy Comment About How Stupid American Players Are = Column.

Throw in a few quotes loaded with platitudes from a five-minute, pre-game walk-through and presto! You have a column. And it takes you about twenty real minutes.

7. Cardinals (20): Remember us? The next few weeks will determine if Tony La Russa is capable of making a rebuilt Cardinals team matter again. Who would have predicted an 0.79 ERA the first trip through the rotation?

The Cardinals are the seventh-best team in baseball in the Rogers' household. Better than the Cubs, Mets, Yankees, Blue Jays, Rockies, Phillies and so on and so on.

9. Cubs (6): For this to be a magical season, they will have to play better. They were on a pace to allow a majors-worst 162 unearned runs through five games.

More dippy 'magical' talk from a Cubs fan. How about scoring more runs than the other team on a consistent basis that spans 162 games. I heard that works.

10. Mets (9): Despite one of the most productive lineups in the NL, these guys spun their wheels out of the gates. The loss of Pedro Martinez to a hamstring injury robbed them of early buzz.

Because buzz wins games.

11. Rays (27): A good lineup flexed some surprising muscle on a season-opening trip to Baltimore and Yankee Stadium. Two homers in the first three games is a good sign for Carlos Pena.

And promptly lost four straight until tonight. What would prompt this 16 spot jump? They played the Orioles once (the second game was rained out) and THEY LOST that one. They split the Yankees series and according to your own rankings, the Yankees aren't that good.

15. Royals (25): That season-opening sweep of Detroit signals improvement under rookie manager Trey Hillman. Kansas City won't outslug anyone but might have the pitching to make a run at .500.

Last year, the Boston Red Sox won the World Series. They were good. In July, they lost two of three to the Royals in Fenway.

Now unless I missed the memo, games in April count the same as games in July. And the Royals were bad at winning games last year. So I'm confused. What's the signal? Good for them and their pitching indeed looks better but a signal?

17. Twins (18): Livan Hernandez beat the Angels and Royals in his first two starts, for the moment neutralizing the loss of Johan Santana.

In Phil's world, the Twins are one notch better than the Yankees. And simple math tells me L. Hernandez ≠ J. Santana ever. Two Starts.

30. Orioles (30): George Sherrill, acquired from Seattle in the Erik Bedard trade, nailed down easy saves in three consecutive games against Tampa Bay and Seattle.

I'm confused. The Cardinals jump 13 spots, the Rays jump 14 spots and the Royals jump 10 spots but the Orioles start 6-1 and stay at #30. What is God's name is the criteria for this shit?

This makes me think Phil believes these rankings are, indeed, the rankings in terms of quality of each club w/r/t the rest of the league and not some hot/cold bullshity-type bullshit.

Holy Crap!

31. Tigers (7): Yes, this is a harsh ranking, but it's no worse than the postgame assessments of Jim Leyland. This lineup is going to hit but will feel a big strain from the weight of high expectations and a mediocre pitching staff.

Yes. Only the Giants are worse at baseball than the Tigers. You win, Phil. I give up.