Phil Watch: Updated Dopiness

For the last 25 years, media-types have howled about the precipitous decline in circulation of the American newspaper.

Among the myriad of reasons for the decline - and at the top of the heap - has been, of course, the rising prevalence of these internets.

But one reason particularly pertinent to my world is that newspapers pay $80,000+ to dippy dopes like Phil Rogers, a man who gives the Tribune his entirely nonsensical weekly baseball power rankings.

To wit:

2. Cardinals (7): Jason Isringhausen has been the most valuable pitcher in the majors so far, figuring in on six of St. Louis' first nine wins. Kyle Lohse and Todd Wellemeyer combined to allow two or fewer runs in five of their first six starts.

There's a trend coming. Apparently Phil found some statistical website that has a column showing a team's record relative to a pitcher's appearance in an individual game. It's a flawed statistical model with such a small sample size. I will mark it with a : ( .

Isringhausen, in his seven appearances, has come in to save a one-run lead in the ninth exactly once before blowing the save yesterday. His one win came as a result of that blown save.

And if the Cardinals are the second-best team in baseball, I'm quitting my job and becoming a Hari Krishna because everything I thought I knew about this world has been wrong.

5. Athletics (23): Two Sweeneys (Ryan and Mike) are better than none. But they need Rich Harden to get back quickly from the "mild" strain of a muscle under his right arm.

The A's had a good week. They swept the Blue Jays in Toronto and took two out of three from the Indians. How does that affect Phil's rankings. The Blue Jays are ranked #3.

They're hitting .239 as a team, good for 27th in the majors. And don't think I missed Phil slipping a Ryan Sweeney reference in there. He's bound and determined to make sure his original opinion on the Swisher deal will hold up.

7. Brewers (12): Ben Sheets is leading the way. Milwaukee is 3-0 in his starts -- against Carlos Zambrano, Barry Zito and Santana.

: (. Am I supposed to think Zito is a good pitcher again? I put the over/under on the next Ben Sheets injury at May 21, 2008.

8. White Sox (14): Gavin Floyd is starting to make the Freddy Garcia trade look like a good one. His breaking pitches against the Tigers on Saturday were nothing short of wicked.

Freddy Garcia went 1-5 with a 5.90 ERA and a 1.60 WHIP last year and probably won't pitch this year.

Starting to?

9. Marlins (24): Hanley Ramirez is picking up where he left off last season. He's as talented as any kid in the majors.

The Marlins, Athletics and Cardinals are three of the top ten teams in baseball right now in Phil's world. They sweep the Nationals and jump 13 spots. BTW, the bullpen has a 7.17 ERA, good for dead last...by far.

18. Twins (17): No manager builds the confidence of his pitchers better than Ron Gardenhire. He trusts his bullpen, which is how workhorse Livan Hernandez can be 3-0 and still have not thrown 100 pitches in a start. No Twin has yet hit the 100-pitch mark.

: (. Hernandez = bad #1 pitcher = bad team at winning baseball games.

19. Orioles (30): Doubleheader sweep at Texas ended a six-game winning streak. Did it remind the Birds of their lack of pedigree?

The Orioles jump 11 spots by going 2-4 on the week.

20. Royals (15): It's been a credit to the pitching staff that Kansas City hasn't already fallen to the bottom of the AL Central. The struggling lineup has produced two homers in the last nine games. That's exhausting for everyone involved.

Christo confused.

It's obvious that a team's unbelievably recent performance wholly determine Phil's rankings.

Kansas City starters? 3rd in the majors. Bullpen? 1st in the majors.

21. Mariners (22): The temporary loss of closer J.J. Putz hasn't derailed a team that might have the starting pitching to challenge the Angels all season.

Good enough starting pitching to challenge a team that Phil said has incredible balance and is one of the best teams in the AL. Heck, let's rank the Mariners 21st.

29. Giants (32): Zito is 0-3 but has pitched a lot better; the Giants have scored two runs in his first three starts and have been shut out twice.

: (. A lot better? He has a 4.50 ERA (meh.) and a 1.69 WHIP (ick!). 0-3 is about right. With some luck, 1-2. Only one of his three starts would qualify as a 'quality start' and he's already given up four homers in three games.

Let's start a list. It will be a list of baseball thingys that dippy sportswriters like solely because everyone else either rips on them or doesn't care about them with that being the seemingly only qualification for said sportswriters to blather on about them.

Some early entries:

Barry Zito - bad at throwing baseballs past the age of 28.

Chris Young, ARI - Superstars don't hit .237, strike out 141 times and have a .295 OBP. Stolen bases are cute and don't win games more than, you know, getting on base in the first place.

The Blue Jays - This shit got worse with the Eckstein and Rolen signings.

Erik Bedard - Just because he was the best available pitcher this offseason doesn't make him a great pitcher.

Angel Pagan - It's week two, people. And it's Angel Pagan.

Gabe Kapler - See above.